The Phantom Letdown
I remember the exact words that came out of my mouth the moment I left the cinema with five of my not so nerdy friends just after seeing The Phantom Menace for the first time on opening day. Those words were “Now THAT'S what I call a movie!” Those words would come back to haunt me and indeed still continue to haunt me. I’ll try to explain.
I was so excited when George Lucas announced that he would be making more Star Wars films. Three movies to be exact, that would chart the rise and fall of Anakin Skywalker. I, like millions of other fans, would have the chance to relive our childhoods and I did. A bit too much. I spent the six months before the release of Episode 1 thinking of nothing else but Star Wars. I was spending all my money on merchandise much to the worry of my friends and family. I didn’t care. “Fuck em” I’d say “you don’t get Star Wars”. Looking back they may have had good cause to worry. I was 26 in 1999 and there I was buying T-shirts, posters, action figures, pez dispensers, toy lightsabres and stickers for my Episode 1 sticker album. Yes, that's right. FUCKING STICKERS FOR A FUCKING STICKER ALBUM. But, I was like a pig in shit and didn’t care how hopelessly sad I seemed to all around me.
I spent the day before release round my mates house boring ten shades of shit out him saying things like “It will be bigger than Titanic” and “This will be life changing”. Little did I know that those comments would come back to haunt me also.
Opening day arrived and off we went to the cinema. It was the 7pm showing and there was a buzz around the place that managed to get me even more excited and I swear at one point I actually skipped to the cinema entrance. SKIPPED. Again, I repeat that I was a 26 year old man in 1999. While queing for our tickets, I remember people pouring out of an earlier screening and I overheared one bloke saying “I dont know what all the fuss is about” to a friend of his. “He must be gay” I thought as we got our tickets and sat down in the screen. The lights dimmed and I prepared myself for a life defining moment.
We all went for a few beers after the film finished and you couldn’t shut me up. “That was worth waiting 16 years for” and “It’s a perfect film” were some of the choice words that spewed out of my lying face that night. The film came and went and I was left with a serious case of Star Wars cold turkey. Fear not, I thought, it’ll be out on VHS soon and I can watch the pod race until my eyes bleed. I bought it on VHS and then on DVD and I have to say that I have probably seen The Phantom Menace about ten times now and I have reached a decision.
“Now THATS what I call a movie”
“Its a PIECE OF SHIT and Lucas is a talentless, cynical, greedy CUNT”
Both comments were said by me. The first one in 1999 and the second one every day since 2002.
The Phantom Menace is not a movie let alone a star Wars movie. It is a two hour toy commercial that treats its viewer with an almost astronomical level of comtempt. It fails on every level possible and leaves you feeling like you have just watched ten supercomputers puke their guts up. Its awful beyond words. The opening crawl gives you a pretty good insight into just how depressingly bad this film is going to be. Who the fuck cares about trade disputes? This is supposed to be a Star Wars film isn’t it?
“Darth Maul was good though wasn’t he?” some people say. FUCK YOU. “The pod race rocks”. FUCK YOU. “Ewan Mcgregor does a good Alec Guiness impersonation”. FUCK RIGHT OFF. People who still continue to say such things have either had a Lucasfilm lobotomy TM or are complete fucking morons. WAKE UP!
Much has been written about the problems with the film so I won't go into too much detail but here are my top ten things that are wrong about The Phantom Menace.
I'm glad thats off my chest. Coming soon. My appraisal of Attack of the Clones.
I was so excited when George Lucas announced that he would be making more Star Wars films. Three movies to be exact, that would chart the rise and fall of Anakin Skywalker. I, like millions of other fans, would have the chance to relive our childhoods and I did. A bit too much. I spent the six months before the release of Episode 1 thinking of nothing else but Star Wars. I was spending all my money on merchandise much to the worry of my friends and family. I didn’t care. “Fuck em” I’d say “you don’t get Star Wars”. Looking back they may have had good cause to worry. I was 26 in 1999 and there I was buying T-shirts, posters, action figures, pez dispensers, toy lightsabres and stickers for my Episode 1 sticker album. Yes, that's right. FUCKING STICKERS FOR A FUCKING STICKER ALBUM. But, I was like a pig in shit and didn’t care how hopelessly sad I seemed to all around me.
I spent the day before release round my mates house boring ten shades of shit out him saying things like “It will be bigger than Titanic” and “This will be life changing”. Little did I know that those comments would come back to haunt me also.
Opening day arrived and off we went to the cinema. It was the 7pm showing and there was a buzz around the place that managed to get me even more excited and I swear at one point I actually skipped to the cinema entrance. SKIPPED. Again, I repeat that I was a 26 year old man in 1999. While queing for our tickets, I remember people pouring out of an earlier screening and I overheared one bloke saying “I dont know what all the fuss is about” to a friend of his. “He must be gay” I thought as we got our tickets and sat down in the screen. The lights dimmed and I prepared myself for a life defining moment.
We all went for a few beers after the film finished and you couldn’t shut me up. “That was worth waiting 16 years for” and “It’s a perfect film” were some of the choice words that spewed out of my lying face that night. The film came and went and I was left with a serious case of Star Wars cold turkey. Fear not, I thought, it’ll be out on VHS soon and I can watch the pod race until my eyes bleed. I bought it on VHS and then on DVD and I have to say that I have probably seen The Phantom Menace about ten times now and I have reached a decision.
“Now THATS what I call a movie”
“Its a PIECE OF SHIT and Lucas is a talentless, cynical, greedy CUNT”
Both comments were said by me. The first one in 1999 and the second one every day since 2002.
The Phantom Menace is not a movie let alone a star Wars movie. It is a two hour toy commercial that treats its viewer with an almost astronomical level of comtempt. It fails on every level possible and leaves you feeling like you have just watched ten supercomputers puke their guts up. Its awful beyond words. The opening crawl gives you a pretty good insight into just how depressingly bad this film is going to be. Who the fuck cares about trade disputes? This is supposed to be a Star Wars film isn’t it?
“Darth Maul was good though wasn’t he?” some people say. FUCK YOU. “The pod race rocks”. FUCK YOU. “Ewan Mcgregor does a good Alec Guiness impersonation”. FUCK RIGHT OFF. People who still continue to say such things have either had a Lucasfilm lobotomy TM or are complete fucking morons. WAKE UP!
Much has been written about the problems with the film so I won't go into too much detail but here are my top ten things that are wrong about The Phantom Menace.
- A staggeringly bad script written by someone who is clearly possessed by his cum sack of a throat.
- Jake Lloyd. He was in ‘Jingle all the Way’. FUCKING SAYS IT ALL! Whiny little shit. “Are you an angel?” PISS OFF.
- The direction. George Lucas’ power has obviously gone to his head if he thinks he can direct. Trust me George, you can’t. So don’t. EVER AGAIN. Fuck off back to Skywalker Ranch and wank off over your many yes men motherfuckers who helped you to make that piece of shit and who at no point sat you down and said “you know George, this film is kinda lame and you really need to make some drastic changes like, maybe THE WHOLE FUCKING CONCEPT” Just because you made billions from merchandise does not give you the right to fuck over the very people who made you a billionaire. TWAT.
- Midi-Chlorians. I imagine the day that Lucas came up with that idea went thus.
Rick McCallum: How's the script going George?
George Lucas: Great, Rick. I was sitting on the lavvie having a massive shit and something else fell out of my arse. How about if we completely demystify the force by having all Jedis have microscopic lifeforms in them called ‘Midi-chlorians” that help them use the force and stuff. Its proper radical.
Rick: George, you are a bonafied genius. Can I suck your cock?
George: Sure, Rick - CGI. TOO FUCKING MUCH. Why does Lucas insist on such wankfests? Because hes a cunt obviously, but I think the visual effects are really there to distract the viewer from how stupifyingly crap the film is. “Look kids, its R2 doing shit he couldn’t do in the original films” Stick it up your arse George. In fact, some of the so-called special effects are fucking awful. Boss Nass. Shit. The Gungan battle. Reaallllly shit. I could go on but frankly I haven’t got all day.
- Darth Vader made C3-PO. Oh, ok George, I’ll buy that. Sure. No problem. After all I am a complete wanker aren’t I. Yeah, really good idea. Love it. I know it makes no sense whatsoever but fuck it. I’ll gobble down as much shit as you can throw at me George because I love you. Can I suck your cock?
- The acting. Now, this isn’t really the actor's fault (except for Llloyd obviously). They are mostly all fine actors with plenty of experience and good back catalogues. No, its fucking George’s fault. AGAIN. He wrote a shitty script and then decided to give the actors NO DIRECTION WHATSOEVER except for his famous “Faster, more intense”. What's that shit?
Ewan Mcgregor: Hey George, I’m struggling with the scene when my mentor dies. Where should I be emotionally? It should be a heart-wrenching scene right?
George Lucas: Faster, more intense.
Ewan: But I need mor...
George: I said FASTER, MORE INTENSE. Now fuck off and leave me be. Rick's about to cum all over my back.
Rick McCallum: Faster, more intense.
Hopeless.
- Yoda. Yes, he was a puppet in the original trilogy but he had character and along with Frank Oz’s great performance you BELIEVED. In this film he is just a puppet. A shit one at that. Whats with that creepy grin? And why is he talking even more absurdly than normal. “Badly written I am.” And he’s a bloody hypocrite. “Too young to train he is”. Fuck off. Luke was probably in his early twenties when you trained him and he turned out alright. “I sense much fear in you.” According to Yoda fear is the pathway to the dark side. WHY LET OBI-WAN TRAIN ANAKIN THEN? Nice one mate. It was your fault all along.
- The design. Why does everything in this film look far more advanced than anything that is in the originals? If it wasn’t for R2, C3-PO and the lightsabres you could be easily forgiven for thinking that this is NOT a Star Wars film. Well, its not, as I said earler. The spaceships look shit. Who the fuck designed the Naboo Starfighter? The battle droids look shit. The underwater Gungan city looks like a fucking poorly rendered computer game. Its as if Lucas has to have a new world in every film.
Sand planet. Check
Snow planet. Check
Forest Planet. Check
Underwater planet, city whatever. Check
PC World. Probably
I hate the look of this film. I hate it sooooo much. 
I'm glad thats off my chest. Coming soon. My appraisal of Attack of the Clones.
Labels: Cunt, George Lucas, Jar Jar Binks, Phantom Menace, Shit, Star Wars
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