Fuck Star Wars. Fuck Lucas. Fuck Life.

Yes, we are just as confused as you. DasGeordie and myself dipped our toes in and indeed tried batting for the other side for a few weeks but frankly our arses are fucking killing us and we want to go back to being our normal furious, manly selves. Who like women. So, enough of that bollocks.

I’m sure you are all well aware by now that I thought the first two Star Wars prequels were unforgiveable piles of shit but wait, theres one more if memory serves. Yep, Revenge of the Sith was the last remaining prequel that I hoped would restore my faith in the series and George Lucas. As always, DasGeordie and myself along with another couple of sad fucks attended the first screening on opening day. The ushers were wielding lightsbares and generally the buzz in the theatre was good. The lights dimmed, the curtains closed and I was genuinely excited.

Upon leaving the cinema, I went on and on about how “It’s nearly as good as The Empire Strikes back” and “George Lucas has redeemed himself” All bollocks of course and frankly I still feel like a complete cunt for saying those things. You see, I have rewatched the film a few times since and guess what. It’s fucking rubbish. No surprise there then. My nerd-blinkers were well and truly on that day. But, instead of listing my usual top ten, I have decided just to rant incoherently.



First off, the film starts with a space battle which has so much fucking CGI that it is all but impossible to watch the opening five minutes without having a serious fucking seizure. Lucas, as always, in his infinite wisdom, obviously asked ILM to throw everything but the kitchen-bastard-sink at the screen and in turn gave the entire audience a migraine of biblical proportions . So, thanks for that and it’s only five minutes in. Hayden Christensen still can’t act for toffee and has clearly been given the usual “faster, more intense” shitty direction from Lucas. And ignoring it. I still find it unfathomable that out of all the actors in the world who would have made a great Anakin he chose Hayden. Mind you, its still Lucas’ fault because the cunt can’t direct for shit. Or write for that matter.

The direlogue reaches some truly earth shatteringly cringy moments in this final chapter. I mean. reeeealy fucking awful. Let me remind you with a brief converstaion between Manakin and Padme which is even painful to type.

Anakin: "You're so..........beautiful

Padme: "It's only because I'm so in love"

Anakin: "No. It's because I'm so in love with you"

Padme: "So, love has blinded you?"

Anakin: "Ha Ha Ha. Well, that's not exactly what I meant"

CRIIIIINNGE! Please, make it stop. For the love of god.

This was supposed to be the “dark” episode of the prequels but I’m sorry, it wasn’t dark enough. I wanted to see Yoda battle a chronic heroin addiction. I wanted to see Anakin beat his wife up after a prolonged White Lightning binge. I wanted to see Chewbacca sectioned for flashing his genitals at old ladies. I wanted to see R2-D2 get AIDS after an unsafe sex session with C3-PO. I wanted to see Obi-Wan get done for fiddling with the younglings. Now, THATS dark. I remember getting quite upset in the cinema when all the Jedi got slaughtered but on reflection it wasn’t nearly upsetting enough. I wanted Saving Private Shak-Tii or Full Metal Ki-Adi Mundi with heads flying and limbs exploding. But alas not. Plus, the Jedi were supposed to be near unkillable but all it took was a couple of shots from a blaster and they were fucked. Made. No. Sense. WHATSOEVER!



C3-PO is still the annoying bender he’s always been. R2-D2 has got those fucking rocket boosters again. Sam Jackson still doesn’t convince as a motherfucking Jedi. The film is over-designed to within an inch of it’s life. There is a stupid iguana, bird thing that Obi-Wan rides for some reason. I got bored of the lightsabre fights (No mean feat). Featuring Wookiees in the film was probably the most arbitrary, pointless, cynical thing Lucas has ever done since that Jango Fett nonsense. Senator Palpatine is still just a pantomime villain who’s about as scary as The Grudge 2...........ARRRGGGHHHH!



Now, I could have gone on at great length but I want to concentrate on the single most wank part of Sith. The Birth of Darth Vader. This was the moment that we had all been waiting for. 22 years to be exact. Go George! Don’t let us down. Please.

And of course he did let us down. Badly. The descent to the dark side should have been a slow burning, dread inducing transformation that would have given the original trilogy more dramatic weight. Here is a quick rundown of why Manakin decides to turn all wheezy.

Anakin has a nightmare about Padme dying. He shits himself. Senator Palpatine tells him that the Sith can stop people from dying and Anakin believes him. Senator Palpatine reveals himself to be evil to Anakin who shits himself. Anakin grasses Palpatine up to the Jedi. Jedi go to arrest Palpatine but get mullered except for Mace Windu. Anakin decides that he needs the emperor to help him save Padme so he shits himself and chops Mace’s hand off. Palaptine gets a new “evil” face for no reason that I can discern and the following direlogue is pretty close to film after that point.


Anakin: "Oh shit. What have I done? I think I’ve shit myself"

Palpatine: "You fucked up and now you have no choice but to be my evil apprentice"

Anakin: "OK. Anything you want master"

Palpatine: "Nice one. I’ll call you Darth Vader now . Can you now go and kill loads of children for me"

Anakin: "No worries"

I have taken some liberties with that exchange but that really is how Lucas concieved Anakin’s turn to the dark side. Fuck off. Cunt. 22 fucking years for THAT??? I feel like a complete mug.

You know the opening to the original Star Wars when Darth Vader first appears through the blast doors? Great wasn’t it. He scared me when I was a youngling. Well, he’s not scary anymore because you can’t help but thinking to yourself that underneath that mask is HAYDEN FUCKING CHRISTENSEN. Thanks George, you have now even ruined the original trilogy for me.

When Anakin finally gets the mask put on him, he stands up and the coversation goes a bit like this

Darth Vader: “Where’s the missus? Is she OK? Does she need any groceries brought in? Has she made that doctors appointment for me? I hope it’s shepherds pie for tea.”

Palpatine: “Erm, she’s dead mate. You strangled her remember.”

Anakin: “Eh? Fair enough. We can save her though right? I mean, I doubt she’ll forgive me about the strangulation, infanticide and the fact that we will never be able to have sex again but I’ve heard that Relate can do wonders with failing marriages.”

Palpatine: “Don’t be a cunt Darth. Hey, do you fancy chilling out and watching the Pirates of the Carribean trilogy back-to-back?”

Anakin: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"



The film ends shortly after that along with any fond memories I had concerning Star Wars. In the last ten minutes you can tell that Lucas had no idea of how to tie up the remaining links to the originals so he just wings it. Wipe the droids memory. Yoda tells Obi-Wan that he can become more powerful when he snuffs it but forgot to tell any of the other Jedis before they got killed. Split the twins up making sure that Luke gets put on his home planet while keeping his dad’s surname. Obi-Wan goes off to become a hermit. The End.

I promise from now on never to talk about Star Wars again but I may still mention Lucas every now and then. Mainly due to the fact that I hate him and partly due to the fact that Indiana Jones 4 has just started shooting and I may have something to say in the coming months about that.

Star Wars. 1977-2005. R.I.P

Spack Attack!

If you were bored enough to read my retrospective on The Phantom Menace you'll be well aware of how astronomically let down I was by that film and you may possibly think that after realising how truly fucking awful that film was I would boycott any other film that Captain Cumsack decided to shit out of his fat arse. But no. In 2002, I experienced the exact same excitement and anticipation for the next Star Wars film that I did back in 1999. It was like I had completely erased all thoughts of Menace out of my head and convinced myself that Attack Of The Clones was going to be a proper Star Wars film. I even bought the fucking sticker album again. Bell-end!

Anyway, I won’t go on about why I was looking forward to this film and I’m not even going to write a proper review because I’m a lazy cunt and also because you won’t be surprised to hear that I thought Attack Of The Clones was and still is FUCKING RUBBISH! I went to the cinema on my own to see it this time just to make sure I didn’t make the same mistake and come out of the screen with nerd blinkers on and say something outrageously positive about it when in actual fact I hated it. Which I did. I went home after seeing it feeling like I had just been gang raped by Industrial Light and Magic. Seriously depressing. So, just for continuity, what follows is my top ten reasons why I think Episode 2 blows major cock. And then some.

1. The Title.

What. The. Fuck. Were. You. Thinking. George? I mean, we all know you based the movies around old serials like Flash Gordon and shit but you didn’t have to give it a title that would make Ed Wood groan like a fucking banshee. Rise Of The Clones? Possibly. Birth Of The Empire? Erm. How about.....The Clone Wars. Yes! That's what it should have been called George you fucking useless rim jacker. I bet everybody involved with the film secretly hated the title but were too scared to say anything. Either that or they didn’t get the chance to voice their opinion because Rick McCallum was too busy sucking the fat prick’s wrinkly pecker. Argggghhh! And by the way, just what did the clones attack? Oh, you mean that bit RIGHT AT THE FUCKING END. Lame beyond belief. I would rather it was called Star Wars Episode 2: Jedis Of The Caribbean.

2. Jedi Mullets

Poor Ewan Mcgregor. If someone had told him what the bearded one was going to be putting him through just before he signed on for the prequels he would have told Lucas to go stick a Jawa up his clacker. Why does Lucas insist on over-designing everything in the prequels? Its fucking jarring. Han Solo had the same haircut all through the originals and so did Luke come to think of it and that worked just fine thank you very much. But no, George decided in his ultimate wisdom to give Obi-Wan a retarded mullet in AOTC. He looks like a complete mincing shit-stabber. How am I supposed to take this crap seriously? Simple answer? I can’t and neither can you. Only Lucas could make a haircut one of the main reasons I hate a fucking film. Thanks for turning me into an irrational, bile spewing bag of hate. No, seriously. Cheers mate.



3. Stupid Fucking Plot Devices

As well as being stupendously bad at writing dialogue, Lucas also has the dubious talent of not even bothering to make a coherent narrative. Its staggering in fact at how he comes up with shit that makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. Here's an example. Why the fuck does Jango Fett employ an assassin to kill Padme who then cant even be bothered to do it herself so sends a stupid ass droid to fly poisonous centipedes into Padme’s bedroom. DO IT YOURSELF YOU LAZY JIZZ JUGGLER. How does that make sense eh? Well, it doesn't. And remember, we are only ten bastard minutes into the film at this point. Somebody. Kill. Me. Now. I haven’t got the will in my body to list all the stupid plot devices but trust me when I say that they are legion.

4. “Jedi Pooh-Dooh!”

Yep, a creature similar to Sebulba from Episode 1 actually says that line again in this film. It was shit the first time round and guess what? It’s migraine inducingly wank the second time around. It would have been far better to have that alien say “Jedi Piss-flaps” or something. You know, something the audience can relate to. Again, only Lucas can write a line that makes we want to slash every seat in the cinema. And then my own wrists. Get fucked George. You too McCallum. Brown nosing tub of shit ya.



5. Pandering To Dickhead Fans Like Me.

Boba Fett was a cool motherfucker in The Empire Strikes Back and Return Of The Jedi. Mainly because he was mysterious, had a small but important part and just looked the fucking nuts with his rocket backpack and shit. His action figure was rock-fucking-solid to get a hold of too. And Lucas was all too well aware of this. He decided that Boba’s Dad, Jango, would be a major plot thread in the prequels. We even get to see Boba as a badly acted boy/ clone/ whatever. All traces of mystery now blown a-fucking-part because Georgy wants to sell more action figures. Cunt. If that wasn’t bad enough, Jango is played by that wife beating Mauri from ‘Once Were Warriors’. Way to fuck up my memories of the original trilogy.

6. Distractingly Bad CGI. Again.

No words. Just watch the fucking film. I can't be arsed.

7. Christopher Lee in Rent-A-Cunt Mode

Yawn. I suppose Lucas thought it would be genius casting to have Lee play one of the baddies. Yeah, he hasn’t played a baddie in, oh let me think......a month. It just goes to show the level of George’s imagination with casting him as an eeeevil Sith lord. He was Dracula for fucks sake. And bloody Saruman. And that creepy hippy in ‘The Wicker Man’. He has about as much range as Cuba Gooding Jnr. Sorry, that's a bit unfair. Lee is a genuine movie legend and I have the greatest respect for him. I really do. I just think that casting a 108 year old actor famous for playing evil characters a little....well....cunty. I bet George was shitting himself that the fucking coffin dodger would turn to dust half way through shooting. Then he would have to CG him in. Just for a FUCKING CHANGE.

8. The Following Exchange

INT: TATTOINE SHITHOLE: DAY

Padme: “What's wrong anni?”

Anankin: (Referring to the sand people he has just massacred)

“I......killed them. I killed them all. They’re dead. Every single one of them. And not just the men. But the women and the children too. They’re like animals and I slaughtered them like animals. I HATE THEM!

Padme: “To be angry is to be human”

Anakin: “I’m a Jedi. I know I’m better than this”

No fucking shit mate. You were actually quite good in ‘Shattered Glass’. Get off the set.

The point being, of course, is how the fuck could Padme marry a women/child killing whining head case who is clearly on the brink of going loopy ape shit. For years, I couldn't even get a date simply because I said the word 'cunt' a lot. Hardly Jeffrey Dahmer am I? Lucas probably thought that the scene would be dark and foreboding. Fair enough mate but IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. As per. Couldn’t. Direct. Traffic.

9. Its All Jar Jar’s Fault.

Yes, we were all very happy that Lucas decided to give Mr Binks a small cameo in this one but then he went and fucked it all up. Royally. Are we to believe that an annoying fucktard who wasn’t even welcome in his own home because he was a clumsy cunt would then go on to be appointed a senator in the galactic senate? And not only that, it is Jar Jar himself who ultimately gives Chancellor Palpatine the go ahead to have his clone army thereby starting the clone wars which in turn gives rise to the evil Empire. Fuck right off with that shit mate. There has been much Jar Jar bashing and I’m not about to give the prick any more column inches. Suffice to say that the original trilogy has at this point been tainted irreparably by this lame-o fucking plot device and also, I demand that Ahmed Best be shot.



10. Fucking Rocket fucking Boosters on R-fucking-2-fucking-D-fucking-2.

Nonsensical. Continuity? Bullshit. Anal leakage? Merchandise! Cop out. Arbitrary? Cum Sack. Mullet! McCallum. Blowjob! Ewoks? Betrayal......rambling now. Will to live fading. Angry....beyond....belief. Must......burn.... DVD.

The Phantom Letdown

I remember the exact words that came out of my mouth the moment I left the cinema with five of my not so nerdy friends just after seeing The Phantom Menace for the first time on opening day. Those words were “Now THAT'S what I call a movie!” Those words would come back to haunt me and indeed still continue to haunt me. I’ll try to explain.

I was so excited when George Lucas announced that he would be making more Star Wars films. Three movies to be exact, that would chart the rise and fall of Anakin Skywalker. I, like millions of other fans, would have the chance to relive our childhoods and I did. A bit too much. I spent the six months before the release of Episode 1 thinking of nothing else but Star Wars. I was spending all my money on merchandise much to the worry of my friends and family. I didn’t care. “Fuck em” I’d say “you don’t get Star Wars”. Looking back they may have had good cause to worry. I was 26 in 1999 and there I was buying T-shirts, posters, action figures, pez dispensers, toy lightsabres and stickers for my Episode 1 sticker album. Yes, that's right. FUCKING STICKERS FOR A FUCKING STICKER ALBUM. But, I was like a pig in shit and didn’t care how hopelessly sad I seemed to all around me.

I spent the day before release round my mates house boring ten shades of shit out him saying things like “It will be bigger than Titanic” and “This will be life changing”. Little did I know that those comments would come back to haunt me also.

Opening day arrived and off we went to the cinema. It was the 7pm showing and there was a buzz around the place that managed to get me even more excited and I swear at one point I actually skipped to the cinema entrance. SKIPPED. Again, I repeat that I was a 26 year old man in 1999. While queing for our tickets, I remember people pouring out of an earlier screening and I overheared one bloke saying “I dont know what all the fuss is about” to a friend of his. “He must be gay” I thought as we got our tickets and sat down in the screen. The lights dimmed and I prepared myself for a life defining moment.

We all went for a few beers after the film finished and you couldn’t shut me up. “That was worth waiting 16 years for” and “It’s a perfect film” were some of the choice words that spewed out of my lying face that night. The film came and went and I was left with a serious case of Star Wars cold turkey. Fear not, I thought, it’ll be out on VHS soon and I can watch the pod race until my eyes bleed. I bought it on VHS and then on DVD and I have to say that I have probably seen The Phantom Menace about ten times now and I have reached a decision.

“Now THATS what I call a movie”
“Its a PIECE OF SHIT and Lucas is a talentless, cynical, greedy CUNT”

Both comments were said by me. The first one in 1999 and the second one every day since 2002.

The Phantom Menace is not a movie let alone a star Wars movie. It is a two hour toy commercial that treats its viewer with an almost astronomical level of comtempt. It fails on every level possible and leaves you feeling like you have just watched ten supercomputers puke their guts up. Its awful beyond words. The opening crawl gives you a pretty good insight into just how depressingly bad this film is going to be. Who the fuck cares about trade disputes? This is supposed to be a Star Wars film isn’t it?

“Darth Maul was good though wasn’t he?” some people say. FUCK YOU. “The pod race rocks”. FUCK YOU. “Ewan Mcgregor does a good Alec Guiness impersonation”. FUCK RIGHT OFF. People who still continue to say such things have either had a Lucasfilm lobotomy TM or are complete fucking morons. WAKE UP!

Much has been written about the problems with the film so I won't go into too much detail but here are my top ten things that are wrong about The Phantom Menace.

1. A staggeringly bad script written by someone who is clearly possessed by his cum sack of a throat.
   
   
2. Jake Lloyd. He was in ‘Jingle all the Way’. FUCKING SAYS IT ALL! Whiny little shit. “Are you an angel?” PISS OFF.
   
   
3. The direction. George Lucas’ power has obviously gone to his head if he thinks he can direct. Trust me George, you can’t. So don’t. EVER AGAIN. Fuck off back to Skywalker Ranch and wank off over your many yes men motherfuckers who helped you to make that piece of shit and who at no point sat you down and said “you know George, this film is kinda lame and you really need to make some drastic changes like, maybe THE WHOLE FUCKING CONCEPT” Just because you made billions from merchandise does not give you the right to fuck over the very people who made you a billionaire. TWAT.
   
   
   
   
   
   
4. Midi-Chlorians. I imagine the day that Lucas came up with that idea went thus.
   
   Rick McCallum: How's the script going George?
   
   George Lucas: Great, Rick. I was sitting on the lavvie having a massive shit and something else fell out of my arse. How about if we completely demystify the force by having all Jedis have microscopic lifeforms in them called ‘Midi-chlorians” that help them use the force and stuff. Its proper radical.
   
   Rick: George, you are a bonafied genius. Can I suck your cock?
   
   George: Sure, Rick
   
   
5. CGI. TOO FUCKING MUCH. Why does Lucas insist on such wankfests? Because hes a cunt obviously, but I think the visual effects are really there to distract the viewer from how stupifyingly crap the film is. “Look kids, its R2 doing shit he couldn’t do in the original films” Stick it up your arse George. In fact, some of the so-called special effects are fucking awful. Boss Nass. Shit. The Gungan battle. Reaallllly shit. I could go on but frankly I haven’t got all day.
   
   
6. Darth Vader made C3-PO. Oh, ok George, I’ll buy that. Sure. No problem. After all I am a complete wanker aren’t I. Yeah, really good idea. Love it. I know it makes no sense whatsoever but fuck it. I’ll gobble down as much shit as you can throw at me George because I love you. Can I suck your cock?
   
   
7. The acting. Now, this isn’t really the actor's fault (except for Llloyd obviously). They are mostly all fine actors with plenty of experience and good back catalogues. No, its fucking George’s fault. AGAIN. He wrote a shitty script and then decided to give the actors NO DIRECTION WHATSOEVER except for his famous “Faster, more intense”. What's that shit?
   
   Ewan Mcgregor: Hey George, I’m struggling with the scene when my mentor dies. Where should I be emotionally? It should be a heart-wrenching scene right?
   
   George Lucas: Faster, more intense.
   
   Ewan: But I need mor...
   
   George: I said FASTER, MORE INTENSE. Now fuck off and leave me be. Rick's about to cum all over my back.
   
   Rick McCallum: Faster, more intense.
   
   Hopeless.
   
   
   
   
   
   
8. Yoda. Yes, he was a puppet in the original trilogy but he had character and along with Frank Oz’s great performance you BELIEVED. In this film he is just a puppet. A shit one at that. Whats with that creepy grin? And why is he talking even more absurdly than normal. “Badly written I am.” And he’s a bloody hypocrite. “Too young to train he is”. Fuck off. Luke was probably in his early twenties when you trained him and he turned out alright. “I sense much fear in you.” According to Yoda fear is the pathway to the dark side. WHY LET OBI-WAN TRAIN ANAKIN THEN? Nice one mate. It was your fault all along.
   
   
9. The design. Why does everything in this film look far more advanced than anything that is in the originals? If it wasn’t for R2, C3-PO and the lightsabres you could be easily forgiven for thinking that this is NOT a Star Wars film. Well, its not, as I said earler. The spaceships look shit. Who the fuck designed the Naboo Starfighter? The battle droids look shit. The underwater Gungan city looks like a fucking poorly rendered computer game. Its as if Lucas has to have a new world in every film.
   
   Sand planet. Check
   Snow planet. Check
   Forest Planet. Check
   Underwater planet, city whatever. Check
   PC World. Probably
   
   I hate the look of this film. I hate it sooooo much.
   
   
10. 

I'm glad thats off my chest. Coming soon. My appraisal of Attack of the Clones.