Two Angry Men

News came forth yesterday that Hollywood’s number one Cheddar-Bell, Paul W S Anderson, is to remake The Long Good Friday with the aid of a $50 million budget. Now, the problems with this are ten-fold but first of all that film is a bona-fide British classic and one that is cherished by millions not least myself. It’s a fucking great film. Gritty, violent and very much a product of its time being set during the Thatcher years and the rise of big time capitalism. It features without a doubt Bob Hoskin’s greatest ever performance. And yes, that includes Hook. Just watch his face in the closing scene being driven away by the dastardly IRA. Not a word spoken but every emotion is portrayed. It’s truly stunning. British cinema classics don’t come around very often but ‘Friday’ is up there with the best of them.

So WHY in the name of Cunty McAxe-Wound has some retard given PAUL W. S. ANDERSON THE JOB OF REMAKING IT? Fucking shithead. Anyone not familar with Anderson should first of all not get him confused with the genius Paul Thomas Anderson, he who wrote and directed the awesome Boogie Nights and the sprawling Magnolia. No, W. S. Anderson is the douche-bag cocoa-shunter who gave us such cinematic delights as the Resident Evil series, Alien VS Predator,(how did you fuck that concept up?) Soldier (a rare Kurt Russell stinker), oh, and he is in preproduction with ANOTHER remake , Death Race 2000. God have mercy on us all.

If it wasn’t bad enough that ‘Friday’ is being remade at all AND by a complete fucking moron, Anderson has, in his infinite wisdom, decided to move the action from the London Docklands to............Miami. ???????????????

And just to make sure my blood pressure hits 2000 mmHg systolic over 980 mmHg diastolic, they have confirmed the cast as follows.

Harold Shand: Gerard Butler
Victoria Shand: Beyonce Knowles
Colin: Gerard Butler
Razors: Lance Henrikson
Jeff: Gerard Butler
Harold’s Mother: Gerard Butler
Parky: Orlando Bloom
Eric: Gerard Butler
The gay IRA bloke originally played by Pierce Brosnan: Pierce Brosnan.

ABSOLUTE. FUCKING. DISGRACE!

Remakes? I shit 'em.