"Yo Ho, Yo Ho. Suicide It Is For Me"

Right, I’ll start by saying that the past week has been a total fucking pisser. In the past seven days I found out that my boss is a much bigger cunt than I already thought he was, I received my new council tax bill which was tantamount to bending me over and gang raping my little brown garden with a chainsaw, my liver exploded but worst of all, I had to sit through the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie, Dead Man’s Chest. Why did I waste two and a half hours of my rapidly shortening life? Because I’m a complete rim-jimmy obviously but mainly because I promised the wife that I would take her to see the third fucking film. And, because I’m an anal retard I thought I should really watch the second film to get all the relevant plot details and whatnot. I wouldn’t want to get confused now would I?

So, I rented the bastard, closed the curtains and turned up the sound. All this with an apparent open mind that it might not be quite as bad as I was expecting. And it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. It was way worse. Short review. IT WAS FUCKING CLINKER PELLETS! Awful beyond words and believe it or not way worse than the already bobbins original.

Gore Verbinski is a massive, massive, MASSIVE clit-digit of the highest order.

It took a good hour before anything resembling a plot device was introduced.Probably because Johnny Depp was too busy in CUNT OVERLOAD MODE and spent the first act just being a total prick and thinking he’s proper funny and charismatic so to hell with the narrative. Johnny, you're not funny or charismatic mate. You're a cunt. I’ve made it clear in other posts that I thought his spacky turn as Captain Jock Strap in the first film was not only tiresome and retarded but deserved an Oscar nomination about as much as I deserve a Pulitzer for my piece on puppets that need a good fucking. But, he’s even worse in this one. Overacting, hammy, yawn inducing performances do not come any more cuntier.



“Hey! Depps an acting genius and his Captain Dick Sucker is an inspired turn. YOU are the cunt Crabman” I hear you say. Hmm. Anybody who actually thinks that is a bigger cum-guzzler than Depp and Verbinski combined. And that’s going some. Fucking nob-polishers. Get royally fucked.

And, I haven’t even mentioned Orlando fucking Bloom yet. Yet another reliably insipid performance that is easily on par with any of his previously insipid output. So bland is he that you don’t really notice the cunt in this film. Which is good. But he will continue to get plum roles in big Hollywood blockbusters. Which is bad. Apparently, he has just signed on to make ANOTHER historical epic, this time the story of Pompeii. Well fuck me backways. How awfully original Orlie. Who or what will he be playing? My guess is the fucking volcano. Anyway I digress. Orlando Bloom is a cunt. I know it. You know it. He probably knows it for that matter.

So, that ruined my already shitty week but worse is to come. The third Pirates film is out in three days and I am seriously considering faking my own death, getting plastic surgery and moving to Nepal just to get out of going to see it. I jest not. Apparently, the running time is 168 minutes. WHAT??? Even longer than the last one. Please, all involved, these films are throwaway, trashy and cynically made films that are based on a fucking Disney theme park ride. They are not the Three Colours Trilogy. So, get a grip of yourselves, grab a hold of the nearest firearm and blow your shit for brains out of your thick skulls.

I shall review Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End when I get back from seeing it. You never know. I might like it. Ish.

I think I will leave on a positive note though. The CGI on that squid, quim, whatever bloke was pretty sweet.