Fuck Star Wars. Fuck Lucas. Fuck Life.
Yes, we are just as confused as you. DasGeordie and myself dipped our toes in and indeed tried batting for the other side for a few weeks but frankly our arses are fucking killing us and we want to go back to being our normal furious, manly selves. Who like women. So, enough of that bollocks.
I’m sure you are all well aware by now that I thought the first two Star Wars prequels were unforgiveable piles of shit but wait, theres one more if memory serves. Yep, Revenge of the Sith was the last remaining prequel that I hoped would restore my faith in the series and George Lucas. As always, DasGeordie and myself along with another couple of sad fucks attended the first screening on opening day. The ushers were wielding lightsbares and generally the buzz in the theatre was good. The lights dimmed, the curtains closed and I was genuinely excited.
Upon leaving the cinema, I went on and on about how “It’s nearly as good as The Empire Strikes back” and “George Lucas has redeemed himself” All bollocks of course and frankly I still feel like a complete cunt for saying those things. You see, I have rewatched the film a few times since and guess what. It’s fucking rubbish. No surprise there then. My nerd-blinkers were well and truly on that day. But, instead of listing my usual top ten, I have decided just to rant incoherently.
First off, the film starts with a space battle which has so much fucking CGI that it is all but impossible to watch the opening five minutes without having a serious fucking seizure. Lucas, as always, in his infinite wisdom, obviously asked ILM to throw everything but the kitchen-bastard-sink at the screen and in turn gave the entire audience a migraine of biblical proportions . So, thanks for that and it’s only five minutes in. Hayden Christensen still can’t act for toffee and has clearly been given the usual “faster, more intense” shitty direction from Lucas. And ignoring it. I still find it unfathomable that out of all the actors in the world who would have made a great Anakin he chose Hayden. Mind you, its still Lucas’ fault because the cunt can’t direct for shit. Or write for that matter.
The direlogue reaches some truly earth shatteringly cringy moments in this final chapter. I mean. reeeealy fucking awful. Let me remind you with a brief converstaion between Manakin and Padme which is even painful to type.
Anakin: "You're so..........beautiful
Padme: "It's only because I'm so in love"
Anakin: "No. It's because I'm so in love with you"
Padme: "So, love has blinded you?"
Anakin: "Ha Ha Ha. Well, that's not exactly what I meant"
CRIIIIINNGE! Please, make it stop. For the love of god.
This was supposed to be the “dark” episode of the prequels but I’m sorry, it wasn’t dark enough. I wanted to see Yoda battle a chronic heroin addiction. I wanted to see Anakin beat his wife up after a prolonged White Lightning binge. I wanted to see Chewbacca sectioned for flashing his genitals at old ladies. I wanted to see R2-D2 get AIDS after an unsafe sex session with C3-PO. I wanted to see Obi-Wan get done for fiddling with the younglings. Now, THATS dark. I remember getting quite upset in the cinema when all the Jedi got slaughtered but on reflection it wasn’t nearly upsetting enough. I wanted Saving Private Shak-Tii or Full Metal Ki-Adi Mundi with heads flying and limbs exploding. But alas not. Plus, the Jedi were supposed to be near unkillable but all it took was a couple of shots from a blaster and they were fucked. Made. No. Sense. WHATSOEVER!
C3-PO is still the annoying bender he’s always been. R2-D2 has got those fucking rocket boosters again. Sam Jackson still doesn’t convince as a motherfucking Jedi. The film is over-designed to within an inch of it’s life. There is a stupid iguana, bird thing that Obi-Wan rides for some reason. I got bored of the lightsabre fights (No mean feat). Featuring Wookiees in the film was probably the most arbitrary, pointless, cynical thing Lucas has ever done since that Jango Fett nonsense. Senator Palpatine is still just a pantomime villain who’s about as scary as The Grudge 2...........ARRRGGGHHHH!
Now, I could have gone on at great length but I want to concentrate on the single most wank part of Sith. The Birth of Darth Vader. This was the moment that we had all been waiting for. 22 years to be exact. Go George! Don’t let us down. Please.
And of course he did let us down. Badly. The descent to the dark side should have been a slow burning, dread inducing transformation that would have given the original trilogy more dramatic weight. Here is a quick rundown of why Manakin decides to turn all wheezy.
Anakin has a nightmare about Padme dying. He shits himself. Senator Palpatine tells him that the Sith can stop people from dying and Anakin believes him. Senator Palpatine reveals himself to be evil to Anakin who shits himself. Anakin grasses Palpatine up to the Jedi. Jedi go to arrest Palpatine but get mullered except for Mace Windu. Anakin decides that he needs the emperor to help him save Padme so he shits himself and chops Mace’s hand off. Palaptine gets a new “evil” face for no reason that I can discern and the following direlogue is pretty close to film after that point.
Anakin: "Oh shit. What have I done? I think I’ve shit myself"
Palpatine: "You fucked up and now you have no choice but to be my evil apprentice"
Anakin: "OK. Anything you want master"
Palpatine: "Nice one. I’ll call you Darth Vader now . Can you now go and kill loads of children for me"
Anakin: "No worries"
I have taken some liberties with that exchange but that really is how Lucas concieved Anakin’s turn to the dark side. Fuck off. Cunt. 22 fucking years for THAT??? I feel like a complete mug.
You know the opening to the original Star Wars when Darth Vader first appears through the blast doors? Great wasn’t it. He scared me when I was a youngling. Well, he’s not scary anymore because you can’t help but thinking to yourself that underneath that mask is HAYDEN FUCKING CHRISTENSEN. Thanks George, you have now even ruined the original trilogy for me.
When Anakin finally gets the mask put on him, he stands up and the coversation goes a bit like this
Darth Vader: “Where’s the missus? Is she OK? Does she need any groceries brought in? Has she made that doctors appointment for me? I hope it’s shepherds pie for tea.”
Palpatine: “Erm, she’s dead mate. You strangled her remember.”
Anakin: “Eh? Fair enough. We can save her though right? I mean, I doubt she’ll forgive me about the strangulation, infanticide and the fact that we will never be able to have sex again but I’ve heard that Relate can do wonders with failing marriages.”
Palpatine: “Don’t be a cunt Darth. Hey, do you fancy chilling out and watching the Pirates of the Carribean trilogy back-to-back?”
Anakin: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
The film ends shortly after that along with any fond memories I had concerning Star Wars. In the last ten minutes you can tell that Lucas had no idea of how to tie up the remaining links to the originals so he just wings it. Wipe the droids memory. Yoda tells Obi-Wan that he can become more powerful when he snuffs it but forgot to tell any of the other Jedis before they got killed. Split the twins up making sure that Luke gets put on his home planet while keeping his dad’s surname. Obi-Wan goes off to become a hermit. The End.
I promise from now on never to talk about Star Wars again but I may still mention Lucas every now and then. Mainly due to the fact that I hate him and partly due to the fact that Indiana Jones 4 has just started shooting and I may have something to say in the coming months about that.
Star Wars. 1977-2005. R.I.P
I’m sure you are all well aware by now that I thought the first two Star Wars prequels were unforgiveable piles of shit but wait, theres one more if memory serves. Yep, Revenge of the Sith was the last remaining prequel that I hoped would restore my faith in the series and George Lucas. As always, DasGeordie and myself along with another couple of sad fucks attended the first screening on opening day. The ushers were wielding lightsbares and generally the buzz in the theatre was good. The lights dimmed, the curtains closed and I was genuinely excited.
Upon leaving the cinema, I went on and on about how “It’s nearly as good as The Empire Strikes back” and “George Lucas has redeemed himself” All bollocks of course and frankly I still feel like a complete cunt for saying those things. You see, I have rewatched the film a few times since and guess what. It’s fucking rubbish. No surprise there then. My nerd-blinkers were well and truly on that day. But, instead of listing my usual top ten, I have decided just to rant incoherently.
First off, the film starts with a space battle which has so much fucking CGI that it is all but impossible to watch the opening five minutes without having a serious fucking seizure. Lucas, as always, in his infinite wisdom, obviously asked ILM to throw everything but the kitchen-bastard-sink at the screen and in turn gave the entire audience a migraine of biblical proportions . So, thanks for that and it’s only five minutes in. Hayden Christensen still can’t act for toffee and has clearly been given the usual “faster, more intense” shitty direction from Lucas. And ignoring it. I still find it unfathomable that out of all the actors in the world who would have made a great Anakin he chose Hayden. Mind you, its still Lucas’ fault because the cunt can’t direct for shit. Or write for that matter.
The direlogue reaches some truly earth shatteringly cringy moments in this final chapter. I mean. reeeealy fucking awful. Let me remind you with a brief converstaion between Manakin and Padme which is even painful to type.
Padme: "It's only because I'm so in love"
Anakin: "No. It's because I'm so in love with you"
Padme: "So, love has blinded you?"
Anakin: "Ha Ha Ha. Well, that's not exactly what I meant"
CRIIIIINNGE! Please, make it stop. For the love of god.
This was supposed to be the “dark” episode of the prequels but I’m sorry, it wasn’t dark enough. I wanted to see Yoda battle a chronic heroin addiction. I wanted to see Anakin beat his wife up after a prolonged White Lightning binge. I wanted to see Chewbacca sectioned for flashing his genitals at old ladies. I wanted to see R2-D2 get AIDS after an unsafe sex session with C3-PO. I wanted to see Obi-Wan get done for fiddling with the younglings. Now, THATS dark. I remember getting quite upset in the cinema when all the Jedi got slaughtered but on reflection it wasn’t nearly upsetting enough. I wanted Saving Private Shak-Tii or Full Metal Ki-Adi Mundi with heads flying and limbs exploding. But alas not. Plus, the Jedi were supposed to be near unkillable but all it took was a couple of shots from a blaster and they were fucked. Made. No. Sense. WHATSOEVER!
C3-PO is still the annoying bender he’s always been. R2-D2 has got those fucking rocket boosters again. Sam Jackson still doesn’t convince as a motherfucking Jedi. The film is over-designed to within an inch of it’s life. There is a stupid iguana, bird thing that Obi-Wan rides for some reason. I got bored of the lightsabre fights (No mean feat). Featuring Wookiees in the film was probably the most arbitrary, pointless, cynical thing Lucas has ever done since that Jango Fett nonsense. Senator Palpatine is still just a pantomime villain who’s about as scary as The Grudge 2...........ARRRGGGHHHH!
Now, I could have gone on at great length but I want to concentrate on the single most wank part of Sith. The Birth of Darth Vader. This was the moment that we had all been waiting for. 22 years to be exact. Go George! Don’t let us down. Please.
And of course he did let us down. Badly. The descent to the dark side should have been a slow burning, dread inducing transformation that would have given the original trilogy more dramatic weight. Here is a quick rundown of why Manakin decides to turn all wheezy.
Anakin has a nightmare about Padme dying. He shits himself. Senator Palpatine tells him that the Sith can stop people from dying and Anakin believes him. Senator Palpatine reveals himself to be evil to Anakin who shits himself. Anakin grasses Palpatine up to the Jedi. Jedi go to arrest Palpatine but get mullered except for Mace Windu. Anakin decides that he needs the emperor to help him save Padme so he shits himself and chops Mace’s hand off. Palaptine gets a new “evil” face for no reason that I can discern and the following direlogue is pretty close to film after that point.
Anakin: "Oh shit. What have I done? I think I’ve shit myself"
Palpatine: "You fucked up and now you have no choice but to be my evil apprentice"
Anakin: "OK. Anything you want master"
Palpatine: "Nice one. I’ll call you Darth Vader now . Can you now go and kill loads of children for me"
Anakin: "No worries"
I have taken some liberties with that exchange but that really is how Lucas concieved Anakin’s turn to the dark side. Fuck off. Cunt. 22 fucking years for THAT??? I feel like a complete mug.
You know the opening to the original Star Wars when Darth Vader first appears through the blast doors? Great wasn’t it. He scared me when I was a youngling. Well, he’s not scary anymore because you can’t help but thinking to yourself that underneath that mask is HAYDEN FUCKING CHRISTENSEN. Thanks George, you have now even ruined the original trilogy for me.
When Anakin finally gets the mask put on him, he stands up and the coversation goes a bit like this
Darth Vader: “Where’s the missus? Is she OK? Does she need any groceries brought in? Has she made that doctors appointment for me? I hope it’s shepherds pie for tea.”
Palpatine: “Erm, she’s dead mate. You strangled her remember.”
Anakin: “Eh? Fair enough. We can save her though right? I mean, I doubt she’ll forgive me about the strangulation, infanticide and the fact that we will never be able to have sex again but I’ve heard that Relate can do wonders with failing marriages.”
Palpatine: “Don’t be a cunt Darth. Hey, do you fancy chilling out and watching the Pirates of the Carribean trilogy back-to-back?”
Anakin: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
The film ends shortly after that along with any fond memories I had concerning Star Wars. In the last ten minutes you can tell that Lucas had no idea of how to tie up the remaining links to the originals so he just wings it. Wipe the droids memory. Yoda tells Obi-Wan that he can become more powerful when he snuffs it but forgot to tell any of the other Jedis before they got killed. Split the twins up making sure that Luke gets put on his home planet while keeping his dad’s surname. Obi-Wan goes off to become a hermit. The End.
I promise from now on never to talk about Star Wars again but I may still mention Lucas every now and then. Mainly due to the fact that I hate him and partly due to the fact that Indiana Jones 4 has just started shooting and I may have something to say in the coming months about that.
Star Wars. 1977-2005. R.I.P
Labels: Cunt, George Lucas, Shit, Star Wars
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