Spack Attack!
If you were bored enough to read my retrospective on The Phantom Menace you'll be well aware of how astronomically let down I was by that film and you may possibly think that after realising how truly fucking awful that film was I would boycott any other film that Captain Cumsack decided to shit out of his fat arse. But no. In 2002, I experienced the exact same excitement and anticipation for the next Star Wars film that I did back in 1999. It was like I had completely erased all thoughts of Menace out of my head and convinced myself that Attack Of The Clones was going to be a proper Star Wars film. I even bought the fucking sticker album again. Bell-end!
Anyway, I won’t go on about why I was looking forward to this film and I’m not even going to write a proper review because I’m a lazy cunt and also because you won’t be surprised to hear that I thought Attack Of The Clones was and still is FUCKING RUBBISH! I went to the cinema on my own to see it this time just to make sure I didn’t make the same mistake and come out of the screen with nerd blinkers on and say something outrageously positive about it when in actual fact I hated it. Which I did. I went home after seeing it feeling like I had just been gang raped by Industrial Light and Magic. Seriously depressing. So, just for continuity, what follows is my top ten reasons why I think Episode 2 blows major cock. And then some.
1. The Title.
What. The. Fuck. Were. You. Thinking. George? I mean, we all know you based the movies around old serials like Flash Gordon and shit but you didn’t have to give it a title that would make Ed Wood groan like a fucking banshee. Rise Of The Clones? Possibly. Birth Of The Empire? Erm. How about.....The Clone Wars. Yes! That's what it should have been called George you fucking useless rim jacker. I bet everybody involved with the film secretly hated the title but were too scared to say anything. Either that or they didn’t get the chance to voice their opinion because Rick McCallum was too busy sucking the fat prick’s wrinkly pecker. Argggghhh! And by the way, just what did the clones attack? Oh, you mean that bit RIGHT AT THE FUCKING END. Lame beyond belief. I would rather it was called Star Wars Episode 2: Jedis Of The Caribbean.
2. Jedi Mullets
Poor Ewan Mcgregor. If someone had told him what the bearded one was going to be putting him through just before he signed on for the prequels he would have told Lucas to go stick a Jawa up his clacker. Why does Lucas insist on over-designing everything in the prequels? Its fucking jarring. Han Solo had the same haircut all through the originals and so did Luke come to think of it and that worked just fine thank you very much. But no, George decided in his ultimate wisdom to give Obi-Wan a retarded mullet in AOTC. He looks like a complete mincing shit-stabber. How am I supposed to take this crap seriously? Simple answer? I can’t and neither can you. Only Lucas could make a haircut one of the main reasons I hate a fucking film. Thanks for turning me into an irrational, bile spewing bag of hate. No, seriously. Cheers mate.
3. Stupid Fucking Plot Devices
As well as being stupendously bad at writing dialogue, Lucas also has the dubious talent of not even bothering to make a coherent narrative. Its staggering in fact at how he comes up with shit that makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. Here's an example. Why the fuck does Jango Fett employ an assassin to kill Padme who then cant even be bothered to do it herself so sends a stupid ass droid to fly poisonous centipedes into Padme’s bedroom. DO IT YOURSELF YOU LAZY JIZZ JUGGLER. How does that make sense eh? Well, it doesn't. And remember, we are only ten bastard minutes into the film at this point. Somebody. Kill. Me. Now. I haven’t got the will in my body to list all the stupid plot devices but trust me when I say that they are legion.
4. “Jedi Pooh-Dooh!”
Yep, a creature similar to Sebulba from Episode 1 actually says that line again in this film. It was shit the first time round and guess what? It’s migraine inducingly wank the second time around. It would have been far better to have that alien say “Jedi Piss-flaps” or something. You know, something the audience can relate to. Again, only Lucas can write a line that makes we want to slash every seat in the cinema. And then my own wrists. Get fucked George. You too McCallum. Brown nosing tub of shit ya.
5. Pandering To Dickhead Fans Like Me.
Boba Fett was a cool motherfucker in The Empire Strikes Back and Return Of The Jedi. Mainly because he was mysterious, had a small but important part and just looked the fucking nuts with his rocket backpack and shit. His action figure was rock-fucking-solid to get a hold of too. And Lucas was all too well aware of this. He decided that Boba’s Dad, Jango, would be a major plot thread in the prequels. We even get to see Boba as a badly acted boy/ clone/ whatever. All traces of mystery now blown a-fucking-part because Georgy wants to sell more action figures. Cunt. If that wasn’t bad enough, Jango is played by that wife beating Mauri from ‘Once Were Warriors’. Way to fuck up my memories of the original trilogy.
6. Distractingly Bad CGI. Again.
No words. Just watch the fucking film. I can't be arsed.
7. Christopher Lee in Rent-A-Cunt Mode
Yawn. I suppose Lucas thought it would be genius casting to have Lee play one of the baddies. Yeah, he hasn’t played a baddie in, oh let me think......a month. It just goes to show the level of George’s imagination with casting him as an eeeevil Sith lord. He was Dracula for fucks sake. And bloody Saruman. And that creepy hippy in ‘The Wicker Man’. He has about as much range as Cuba Gooding Jnr. Sorry, that's a bit unfair. Lee is a genuine movie legend and I have the greatest respect for him. I really do. I just think that casting a 108 year old actor famous for playing evil characters a little....well....cunty. I bet George was shitting himself that the fucking coffin dodger would turn to dust half way through shooting. Then he would have to CG him in. Just for a FUCKING CHANGE.
8. The Following Exchange
INT: TATTOINE SHITHOLE: DAY
Padme: “What's wrong anni?”
Anankin: (Referring to the sand people he has just massacred)
“I......killed them. I killed them all. They’re dead. Every single one of them. And not just the men. But the women and the children too. They’re like animals and I slaughtered them like animals. I HATE THEM!
Padme: “To be angry is to be human”
Anakin: “I’m a Jedi. I know I’m better than this”
No fucking shit mate. You were actually quite good in ‘Shattered Glass’. Get off the set.
The point being, of course, is how the fuck could Padme marry a women/child killing whining head case who is clearly on the brink of going loopy ape shit. For years, I couldn't even get a date simply because I said the word 'cunt' a lot. Hardly Jeffrey Dahmer am I? Lucas probably thought that the scene would be dark and foreboding. Fair enough mate but IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. As per. Couldn’t. Direct. Traffic.
9. Its All Jar Jar’s Fault.
Yes, we were all very happy that Lucas decided to give Mr Binks a small cameo in this one but then he went and fucked it all up. Royally. Are we to believe that an annoying fucktard who wasn’t even welcome in his own home because he was a clumsy cunt would then go on to be appointed a senator in the galactic senate? And not only that, it is Jar Jar himself who ultimately gives Chancellor Palpatine the go ahead to have his clone army thereby starting the clone wars which in turn gives rise to the evil Empire. Fuck right off with that shit mate. There has been much Jar Jar bashing and I’m not about to give the prick any more column inches. Suffice to say that the original trilogy has at this point been tainted irreparably by this lame-o fucking plot device and also, I demand that Ahmed Best be shot.
10. Fucking Rocket fucking Boosters on R-fucking-2-fucking-D-fucking-2.
Nonsensical. Continuity? Bullshit. Anal leakage? Merchandise! Cop out. Arbitrary? Cum Sack. Mullet! McCallum. Blowjob! Ewoks? Betrayal......rambling now. Will to live fading. Angry....beyond....belief. Must......burn.... DVD.
Anyway, I won’t go on about why I was looking forward to this film and I’m not even going to write a proper review because I’m a lazy cunt and also because you won’t be surprised to hear that I thought Attack Of The Clones was and still is FUCKING RUBBISH! I went to the cinema on my own to see it this time just to make sure I didn’t make the same mistake and come out of the screen with nerd blinkers on and say something outrageously positive about it when in actual fact I hated it. Which I did. I went home after seeing it feeling like I had just been gang raped by Industrial Light and Magic. Seriously depressing. So, just for continuity, what follows is my top ten reasons why I think Episode 2 blows major cock. And then some.
1. The Title.
What. The. Fuck. Were. You. Thinking. George? I mean, we all know you based the movies around old serials like Flash Gordon and shit but you didn’t have to give it a title that would make Ed Wood groan like a fucking banshee. Rise Of The Clones? Possibly. Birth Of The Empire? Erm. How about.....The Clone Wars. Yes! That's what it should have been called George you fucking useless rim jacker. I bet everybody involved with the film secretly hated the title but were too scared to say anything. Either that or they didn’t get the chance to voice their opinion because Rick McCallum was too busy sucking the fat prick’s wrinkly pecker. Argggghhh! And by the way, just what did the clones attack? Oh, you mean that bit RIGHT AT THE FUCKING END. Lame beyond belief. I would rather it was called Star Wars Episode 2: Jedis Of The Caribbean.
2. Jedi Mullets
Poor Ewan Mcgregor. If someone had told him what the bearded one was going to be putting him through just before he signed on for the prequels he would have told Lucas to go stick a Jawa up his clacker. Why does Lucas insist on over-designing everything in the prequels? Its fucking jarring. Han Solo had the same haircut all through the originals and so did Luke come to think of it and that worked just fine thank you very much. But no, George decided in his ultimate wisdom to give Obi-Wan a retarded mullet in AOTC. He looks like a complete mincing shit-stabber. How am I supposed to take this crap seriously? Simple answer? I can’t and neither can you. Only Lucas could make a haircut one of the main reasons I hate a fucking film. Thanks for turning me into an irrational, bile spewing bag of hate. No, seriously. Cheers mate.
3. Stupid Fucking Plot Devices
As well as being stupendously bad at writing dialogue, Lucas also has the dubious talent of not even bothering to make a coherent narrative. Its staggering in fact at how he comes up with shit that makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. Here's an example. Why the fuck does Jango Fett employ an assassin to kill Padme who then cant even be bothered to do it herself so sends a stupid ass droid to fly poisonous centipedes into Padme’s bedroom. DO IT YOURSELF YOU LAZY JIZZ JUGGLER. How does that make sense eh? Well, it doesn't. And remember, we are only ten bastard minutes into the film at this point. Somebody. Kill. Me. Now. I haven’t got the will in my body to list all the stupid plot devices but trust me when I say that they are legion.
4. “Jedi Pooh-Dooh!”
Yep, a creature similar to Sebulba from Episode 1 actually says that line again in this film. It was shit the first time round and guess what? It’s migraine inducingly wank the second time around. It would have been far better to have that alien say “Jedi Piss-flaps” or something. You know, something the audience can relate to. Again, only Lucas can write a line that makes we want to slash every seat in the cinema. And then my own wrists. Get fucked George. You too McCallum. Brown nosing tub of shit ya.
5. Pandering To Dickhead Fans Like Me.
Boba Fett was a cool motherfucker in The Empire Strikes Back and Return Of The Jedi. Mainly because he was mysterious, had a small but important part and just looked the fucking nuts with his rocket backpack and shit. His action figure was rock-fucking-solid to get a hold of too. And Lucas was all too well aware of this. He decided that Boba’s Dad, Jango, would be a major plot thread in the prequels. We even get to see Boba as a badly acted boy/ clone/ whatever. All traces of mystery now blown a-fucking-part because Georgy wants to sell more action figures. Cunt. If that wasn’t bad enough, Jango is played by that wife beating Mauri from ‘Once Were Warriors’. Way to fuck up my memories of the original trilogy.
6. Distractingly Bad CGI. Again.
No words. Just watch the fucking film. I can't be arsed.
7. Christopher Lee in Rent-A-Cunt Mode
Yawn. I suppose Lucas thought it would be genius casting to have Lee play one of the baddies. Yeah, he hasn’t played a baddie in, oh let me think......a month. It just goes to show the level of George’s imagination with casting him as an eeeevil Sith lord. He was Dracula for fucks sake. And bloody Saruman. And that creepy hippy in ‘The Wicker Man’. He has about as much range as Cuba Gooding Jnr. Sorry, that's a bit unfair. Lee is a genuine movie legend and I have the greatest respect for him. I really do. I just think that casting a 108 year old actor famous for playing evil characters a little....well....cunty. I bet George was shitting himself that the fucking coffin dodger would turn to dust half way through shooting. Then he would have to CG him in. Just for a FUCKING CHANGE.
8. The Following Exchange
INT: TATTOINE SHITHOLE: DAY
Padme: “What's wrong anni?”
Anankin: (Referring to the sand people he has just massacred)
“I......killed them. I killed them all. They’re dead. Every single one of them. And not just the men. But the women and the children too. They’re like animals and I slaughtered them like animals. I HATE THEM!
Padme: “To be angry is to be human”
Anakin: “I’m a Jedi. I know I’m better than this”
No fucking shit mate. You were actually quite good in ‘Shattered Glass’. Get off the set.
The point being, of course, is how the fuck could Padme marry a women/child killing whining head case who is clearly on the brink of going loopy ape shit. For years, I couldn't even get a date simply because I said the word 'cunt' a lot. Hardly Jeffrey Dahmer am I? Lucas probably thought that the scene would be dark and foreboding. Fair enough mate but IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. As per. Couldn’t. Direct. Traffic.
9. Its All Jar Jar’s Fault.
Yes, we were all very happy that Lucas decided to give Mr Binks a small cameo in this one but then he went and fucked it all up. Royally. Are we to believe that an annoying fucktard who wasn’t even welcome in his own home because he was a clumsy cunt would then go on to be appointed a senator in the galactic senate? And not only that, it is Jar Jar himself who ultimately gives Chancellor Palpatine the go ahead to have his clone army thereby starting the clone wars which in turn gives rise to the evil Empire. Fuck right off with that shit mate. There has been much Jar Jar bashing and I’m not about to give the prick any more column inches. Suffice to say that the original trilogy has at this point been tainted irreparably by this lame-o fucking plot device and also, I demand that Ahmed Best be shot.
10. Fucking Rocket fucking Boosters on R-fucking-2-fucking-D-fucking-2.
Nonsensical. Continuity? Bullshit. Anal leakage? Merchandise! Cop out. Arbitrary? Cum Sack. Mullet! McCallum. Blowjob! Ewoks? Betrayal......rambling now. Will to live fading. Angry....beyond....belief. Must......burn.... DVD.
Labels: Cunt, George Lucas, Shit, Star Wars
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