CUNT!

A Love Letter From Michael Bay

You are beautiful, like shining metal bugs hovering over my pollen of love. How I love thee, the humble helicopter.



Words cannot describe how often I think of thee. Whether I'm ordering a bagel and cappucino or directing a cunt with a stupid name to run away from an imaginary metal robot on set or just merely having a quick Jodrell Bank in between takes... I am always thinking of your lovely rotors and divine tail and what I would secretly love to do to you if it wasn't illegal in most States.



Sometimes I think nothing else matters. That I should stop it all - stop directing films and making all that money and having all that hot sex with lots of hot women... I should stop it all and devote myself completely to you. Live inside your spacious passenger compartment, read you bedtime stories like a doting father and then make sweet, sweet love to your fuel tank. But no, that way leads madness. And it is only you, the humble helicopter, who makes me this mad. In love.


Some say I love you too much, that maybe I could spare a thought for characterisation in my movies... But they are wrong. You are my all. Helicopters. Just typing it gives me a twitch. In my expensive designer pants. They want me to remake WATERSHIP DOWN next, but I can't do it. After all, where would I put the helicopters?

Yours lovingly,

Michael "Chopper" Bay

xxx

A Genuine Celebrity Product. That's SHIT!

John Hannah himself phoned me today to ask if we would be kind enough to advertise his new product on the site. Being a old friend of John's I told him to fuck off and stop wasting his hard earned cash on developing mobile shithouses but he started crying like a fucking baby like he always does so I caved in, being the gentile, kindhearted person that I am.

DasGeordie has never liked John and whenever we all go out for beers John will always get pissed and start whinging on with stuff like "It's not fair. Why won't they make another Mummy film? I'm fucking skint" or "Lend us a tenner Crabman, I'll pay you back when they get round to making another Mummy film" Honestly, he can be a right cunt sometimes but he's a mate, so what can ya do.

If successful with this new product, he said he will give up acting altogether. So, please, for everyone's sake. FUCKING BUY ONE.

Crabman's Inbox 29th June 2007

Cannes 2007 Report. I Fucked Up!

Bon jour mon amies! Yep, you may have thought that DasGeordie and myself have been lazy fuckers and not bothered to post anything for a good while because we had given up on our weekly cultural essays on the joys of cinema but you couldn’t be further from the truth. We have just got back from the 2007 Cannes film festival and let me tell you we didn’t waste our time. You see, both of us have packed in our regular jobs and decided to write nonsensical rantings for a living and we thought the best way to show how serious we were was to report on this prestigious event.

For anyone who hasn’t attended Cannes you won’t be surprised to hear that it is every bit as vacuous and tiresome as you might expect. It literally opened our eyes to the movie business and the low feats that to which substandard filmmakers will go to get their film some press. It’s depressing. Really depressing. However, it wasn’t a complete waste of time. With our press passes we managed to get a short interview with all the major players including directors and movie stars. Although it was a little depressing to see Jerry Seinfeld dressed as a fucking bee.

While DasGeordie covered all the films that would have bored 15 litres of piss out of me I had only one goal. To interview Gore Verbinski. The man who gave the world The Pirates of the Caribbean films. I wanted to talk to Verbinski because I hated the first two films and needed to get some honest answers to some very honest questions.

After spending a good six hours trying to corner the man himself he eventually caught my eye and asked me what publication I was reporting for. “Err, Rolling Stone magazine Mr Verbinski” I replied. He shook my hand and agreed to a ten minute interview. Here is a transcript. Enjoy.

Me: Mr Verbinski, or can I call you Gore?

Gore Verbinski: Mr Verbinski will be just fine.

Me: No problem. Tell me, the new Pirates film has had some seriously bad reviews even before the film has opened. Do reviews bother you?

GV: Fuck no. I could film a piece of dog shit slowly gathering flies with time lapse photography and people would still flock to see it. I have nothing but contempt for all moviegoers.

Me: That’s a pretty shitty attitude to have. I mean, I had to endure the first two of your Pirates films and I have to say that I would have rather watched a three hour time lapse image of slowly rotting dog shit.

GV: That just goes to prove my point. You still watched them didn’t you? You are just as stupidly gullible as the rest. My films are shit and yet they make billions. Muhahahahahah!

Me: Okay, moving on. How did you come about casting Orlando Bloom in these films? Some people think he has the acting range of a potatoe.

GV: Orlie is a gift from the movie gods. He can literally make twelve year old girls soil their knickers at the very mention of his name. He has made these films successful. Also, he sucked my cock right off to get the part and let me tell you he is no slouch in the cocksucking department.

Me: I agree. He is a total cocksucker. And if I’m being completely honest GORE you are a total fucking rim jimmy with about as much storytelling ability as Paul WS Anderson. In fact, I hate your fucking guts you disgusting pig cunt shit fucker.

GV: SECURITY!

Me: (being dragged away) Eat shit you absolute cunt of the highest order. Go fuck your mother. Stick it up your arse you fuck stick. You suck! Badly! I swear if you make another Pirates film I will personally (getting beaten up by security) ram a grenade up your shitter and throw you in a fucking swamp. And you have a stupid fucking name. CUUUUUUNT!.

GV: Next.

DasGeordie had to bail me out shortly after and I was deported on the grounds of being an "unprofessional cunt". Fucking frog bastards. Cannes? Get fucked. NEVER AGAIN.