There Is A God.

I read something that really cheered me up today. Apparently, my bezzie mate and fine actor Orlando Bloom has had enough of making movies. Thats right sports fans, according to an interview he gave with MSNBC he wants to try something else other than earning fucking millions starring in some of the biggest films ever made whilst simultaneously getting sucked off by gangs of pre-teen airheads. I guess you have to feel for him. It must be hard work impersonating teak. What exactly does he want to venture into? The theatre. God have mercy on the West End. Here is a direct quote from the interview regarding his chosen profession.

“When I realized that if I was an actor, I could be any character I wanted instead of just one particular, I was like, ‘Wow, that’s cool,” he said.

Cunt.

I don't ever remember Pacino or Brando saying something as stupifyingly wank as that but of course therein lies the problem with this coma-inducingly dull twat. He seems to be the only person on the face of the planet that thinks he can act. Now, being bad in films is one thing but he defo won't get away with it on the boards. He'll get ripped to fucking shreds. Even with slick editing and visual effects the cunt manages to fill the screen with the cinematic equivelant of celery but he'll have no such trickery in the West End. But, good luck to him. You see, I hate theatre and therefore won't have to put up with seeing the dullard's gay fucking face for a while. Thanks Orlie. Much appreciated.

Jerry Bruckheimer was also interviewed and he had this to say which I found so offensive I immediately went to the nearest pet shop to buy a cat just so that I could kick it. Real hard.

“He could be this generation’s Errol Flynn. No doubt in my mind,” Bruckheimer said. “He’s handsome, he’s debonair, he’s a good actor, he’s got a great smile. He’s smart. It’s all about choices, if actors make the right choices. He’s got the talent, so it comes down to what he picks and the directors and people he works with.”

Jerry. You. Are. A. Massive. Cunt.

How fucking deluded can you possibly be? I'm still laughing actually.

Another Childish And Possibly Offensive Picture

After seeing DasGeordie's Photoshop effort on Friday and laughing, it inspired me to do something similar but also because I had fuck all to do on Friday night and back-to-back episodes of Fucking Ugly Betty was NOT an option. I'd like to think that every now and then one of us will post an amusing Photoshop'd movie poster but I very much doubt it as personally I've run out of ideas already. If any readers have also spent time to make an Immature Photoshop'd Movie Poster TM then feel free to email them in and we will post the good ones. Probably the shit ones as well.

Childish Friday Update

Three Will Suffice Thank You Very Much.

Everybody loves Indiana Jones films. And bloody right too. Spielberg was on peak form when he made those films. Beware the person that says Raiders of the Lost Ark is badly overrated or Temple of Doom was too dark or River Pheonix was off his tits on goof-balls during The Last Crusade. People who say such things are obviously complete twats with hearts of stone and shit for brains. The Indy trilogy is what popcorn cinema is all about. But, here is a question for you. Are you excited about the fourth in the series due out in 2008 apparently titled Indiana Jones and The City of Gods? Yes? Well, you fucking well shouldn’t be.

Why? Simple. The number four. Or 4. Or IV.

You see, a few exceptions aside, the fourth film in any franchise always sucks balls. Of course, most franchises adhere quite strictly to the law of diminishing returns but the fourth in a series always manages to be stupifyingly awful. Don’t believe me.? Here is a list of shitty fucking films that just happened to be the fourth film in a franchise.

Batman and Robin. A gay Batman film and that simply will not do.



Alien: Resurrection. Head scratchingly bad. Directed by an art house bell-end.

Lethal Weapon 4. No mullet = Shit Lethal Weapon film.

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. Taking the piss now.

Exorcist 4: Both Versions. Who the fuck let Renny Harlin direct an Exorcist film?

Omen IV: The Awakening. Made for TV. Fucking says it all.

Jaws 4: The Revenge. The very notion of a shark out for revenge is retarded. Just don't go in the sea you fucking spanners.

Hellraiser 4: Bloodline. Straight to video. Say no more.

Rocky IV. Stupid U.S. vs Commies bollocks that's quite offensive when you really think about it.

Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home. They travel back in time to pick up a whale. ???????

Superman 4: The Quest for Peace. Nuclear Man. Shit effects. Franchise fucked.

Episode 1 of that Star Wars thingy of which I no longer speak.

Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol. Fair enough. They all blow.

I could go on but frankly I think I’ve made my point. Not convinced? Well, have you seen the trailer for Die Hard 4.0 or Live Free Or Die Hard if you live over the pond? IT’S FUCKING TERRIBLE. Now, I love the Die Hard films but I just know this is gonna be wank. Two words. Len Wiseman. Yes, the genius auteur who gave us the Underworld films. Which were shit. Really shit. And just because he’s banging Kate Beckinsale does not give him any cool points. It simply means that he’s well endowed. He’s a cunt basically and the trailer confirms that. Take a look if you haven’t seen it. The Kevin Smith cameo is so bad I nearly threw my laptop out the window. Kevin Smith. There’s another sell out nob-cheese that has lost all semblance of credibility. Fat fuck! I can’t wait for Clerks 4.



Shrek 4 has already been greenlit even though the reviews for the incoming Shrek the Third have been terrible. Rush Hour 4 will no doubt infest our cinemas after the third makes a gazillion squid this summer and there is already talk of another bastard Pirates film. There is no God. And fuck knows what Spider-Man 4 will be like. What does scare me though is The Hobbit. I love the ‘Rings’ trilogy and the thought of a prequel gets my dick twanging but then news came that pissed me right off. Peter Jackson will NOT be directing but New Line are in negotiations with.......Sam Raimi. Have they fucking seen Spider-Man 3? Jesus.

So, to round up. Please do not get excited about Indiana Jones And The City Of Gods because it will only end up with you leaving the cinema wanting to go on a killing spree. Harrison Ford is too fucking old, Shia Lebeouf is in it and to be honest I’m getting a little fucked off with buying trilogy boxsets only for the cunts to go and make a fourth thereby fucking up my DVD feng-shui. ARSEHOLES!

JOHN RAMBO Trailer Review

If you haven't already seen The JOHN RAMBO trailer I thought I'd review it for you. I could have just embedded the YouTube footage, but that's for da boids. This is a MAN'S web-site, where we do things differently, fool!

He is still wearing that fucking headband. Is it holding his brain-meat together? I imagine his head flips up like a bin-lid in case he has to do some guerilla brain surgery. Apparently his name is the highly iconic "John". Hardly "Rocky Balboa" is it, for fuck's sake! If he'd said, "I'm the fucking Rambo, bitch!" Then he might have got a better response.

Not for fucking Rambo, bitch, is the mere usage of a fishing rod. Not when you can fucking arrow them from your barge. I mean, unless he's got rope attached to that arrow, all he's gonna do is spear that fish to the river-bed. Not much use, eh? I'm guessing he kills bugs with a twelve-bore shotgun and kills errant mice with a Cruise missile.

Bets on how many of these dopy looking cunts make it to the end of the film. I guess the woman will, but the others look like they've stepped off the set of ANACONDA 2:THIS TIME IT'S LESS CONVINCING. They are some kind of peace-loving charity aid organisation trying to help the people ofzzzzzzzzzz... If you ask me, Rambo, I'd let the cunts head off to the jungle, throw some flowers about, read some poetry and then watch from a distance as they got bum-fucked to death by the entire Burmese Army. But then I'm a bit of a cunt like that.

Yes, these are the kind of people who will respond to reasoned debate. Those guns they're carrying actually shoot discussion rays. And those grenades? Explosions of discourse is all that's inside them.

Flame-throwers are EPIC weaponry. They're like fire extinguishers but in reverse. How awesome is that! Even better when you see burning villagers falling over and dying. It must be a highly unpleasant way to die. I plan on being smothered to death by page three models whilst simultaneously drowning in a sea of Jack Daniels.

This man totally bonks his head off this post. It looks like it really hurt. I laughed. Of course, they're all supposed to be hurt, but this extra actually looks like he proper hurt himself. Yes, I am that sick cunt who spent hours skipping through THE CROW to find the bit where he blew his own head off.

Blondey McLoveInterest tries to reason with Rambo and get him to help. HE'S FUCKING RAMBO, BITCH! Did you not see the first three films? I'm guessing John won't get to bone this woman at any point during the film as he's like, 61, and she looks mid-30s and that would be far too icky. Also, Rambo craves only for death, not pussy. For Rambo, the only thing of his that penetrates another person is his survival knife in swarthy soldier type. Never his penis.

To "hammer" home this metaphor, John is now seen banging away at his shining red end. The dirty fucker.

Why is John Rambo a fucking religious type?!?!?!? It's been a while since I saw the films, but surely a man like him isn't gonna believe in God? Maaaaybe this crucifix is actually a Combat Crucifix - featuring a small knife, a compass, a weeks rations and GPS Sat-Nav system. SWEET! I'm gonna sign me up with these Christianmasses forthwith!

So, obviously, Rambo has told them all to go sling their hook. Can you guess what happens next? I mean, they must have known something was going wrong when they passed the sign reading, "You are now entering Shit Creek". And then someone stole their paddle.

And obviously things go wrong. Oh, what, your peace talks didn't go well? Should've listened to fucking Rambo, bitch! In fact, every time you're getting bummed to within an inch of your life by the entire Burmese Army, you should remember the words of Rambo, "Urm lbrmlm bmele mlle-ADDDRIEEEEEENNNNE!-Mmmbl urmbl mem." Wise, wise words.

Holy fucking shit, it's John Madden of Sega Megadrive classic John Madden's American Football! I shit you not! He's come up with a plan to rescue the hippies but they need to make some good progress in the third down or they're out for the count, bucko! Anyway, this cunt makes Rambo say his prayers before going on a murderous, homicidal killing spree. Well done, fucko.

This guy deserves to die just on principle. But fucking Rambo, bitch, has a conscience. Well, I secretly believe he just likes killing dudes and could care less for the hippies. Cunts!

Ha ha ha! "Did I pay the local land baron? I think so. I hope my wife has made lasagna tonight. I like lasagna. I know I'm going to get passed over for promotion again. Always got me guarding this stupid post. Why the fuck do they always make me stand with my back to the scary forest?" Dumb-ass. YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET RAMBO'D!

I managed to get this screen capture at the EXACT second Rambo removes this guy's fucking head with his survival knife. This is also the EXACT second I achieved a semi.

And this is the second I prematurely ejaculated all over my laptop. I tell you what, my flat-mates will not be eating their dinner in the living room for a while! That red stuff on the window is not, in fact, organic sun-ripened tomato. It is organic sun-tanned Burmese soldier. This is why God made guns that big, so you can literally turn somebody into paste at short range. Thank you, God!

I'm as much a fan of a bit of innocent rape as the next man (Sorry, we now call it "Surprise sex"), but this guy is just asking for trouble. Evil Rapist in films always get the best deaths. This fucko is going to get TURBO RAMBO'D.

Ha ha ha. He ripped his fucking throat out with his hands. A little excessive, I thought. Could he not just cut his head off again? Or is there some kind of union regulations about not repeating yourself when on a murder spree? By the end of the film, he's going to be reading poetry at people to death. Also, I managed to get another semi at this point.

Rambo is not content with turning one person into tomato puree, he's now found MORE people to execute. Firstly, a bunch of unsuspecting murdering rapist Burmese soldiers just minding their own business whilst beating some peasants and stealing their freedom. Then he finds...

..A big fucking truck full of people and turns them into pate too! He doesn't even give them warning. "Ho, truck dudes, incoming!" would be polite. I'm not sure on the etiquette of murderous death-kill sprees any more. I'll have to consult my union.

Ho ho, here's the bow and arrow combo again. You see, they set up the bow and arrow at the start and now you see it again. Firstly, you're thinking, "Why is he going fishing in the middle of a warzone?"

And of course you realise he was killing another dude. Killing him so hard that the guy spontaneously explodes on contact with water. That's how hard THAT guy got Rambo'd. Bow and arrows should be the gayest projectile weapon ever made, but somehow Rambo makes it work.

Here, Rambo demonstrates the only form of penetration he practices... He is literally up to his nuts in guts. Well, up to his wrist in guts, maybe. The lovingly focused shots of viscera in this trailer are top quality. I have not seen as violent or unpleasant a trailer as this in a long time. That's probably because it's actually a show-reel from Cannes, but still - AWESOME. How many trailers would be improved by somebody's throat being ripped out? I know I felt like that through most of the trailer for THE HOLIDAY.

And a boat explodes. Because you have to have an exploding boat. I think IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE has a boat exploding in it at some point.

Check out the shitty 80s A-TEAM-esque font they're using. That is totally balls. Crabman is totally obsessed with fonts and he would probably have spent more time fixating on how shit it is than the rest of the trailer. Then he'd probably had a wank over Fizzgig or something.

Totally stupid name. What was wrong with FOURTH BLOOD? Still, I'll go and see this for certain. I'll be pissed/off-my-face on crystal meths when I do, but I'll go and see it.

It Was Only A Matter Of Time.

"Yo Ho, Yo Ho. Suicide It Is For Me"

Right, I’ll start by saying that the past week has been a total fucking pisser. In the past seven days I found out that my boss is a much bigger cunt than I already thought he was, I received my new council tax bill which was tantamount to bending me over and gang raping my little brown garden with a chainsaw, my liver exploded but worst of all, I had to sit through the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie, Dead Man’s Chest. Why did I waste two and a half hours of my rapidly shortening life? Because I’m a complete rim-jimmy obviously but mainly because I promised the wife that I would take her to see the third fucking film. And, because I’m an anal retard I thought I should really watch the second film to get all the relevant plot details and whatnot. I wouldn’t want to get confused now would I?

So, I rented the bastard, closed the curtains and turned up the sound. All this with an apparent open mind that it might not be quite as bad as I was expecting. And it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. It was way worse. Short review. IT WAS FUCKING CLINKER PELLETS! Awful beyond words and believe it or not way worse than the already bobbins original.

Gore Verbinski is a massive, massive, MASSIVE clit-digit of the highest order.

It took a good hour before anything resembling a plot device was introduced.Probably because Johnny Depp was too busy in CUNT OVERLOAD MODE and spent the first act just being a total prick and thinking he’s proper funny and charismatic so to hell with the narrative. Johnny, you're not funny or charismatic mate. You're a cunt. I’ve made it clear in other posts that I thought his spacky turn as Captain Jock Strap in the first film was not only tiresome and retarded but deserved an Oscar nomination about as much as I deserve a Pulitzer for my piece on puppets that need a good fucking. But, he’s even worse in this one. Overacting, hammy, yawn inducing performances do not come any more cuntier.



“Hey! Depps an acting genius and his Captain Dick Sucker is an inspired turn. YOU are the cunt Crabman” I hear you say. Hmm. Anybody who actually thinks that is a bigger cum-guzzler than Depp and Verbinski combined. And that’s going some. Fucking nob-polishers. Get royally fucked.

And, I haven’t even mentioned Orlando fucking Bloom yet. Yet another reliably insipid performance that is easily on par with any of his previously insipid output. So bland is he that you don’t really notice the cunt in this film. Which is good. But he will continue to get plum roles in big Hollywood blockbusters. Which is bad. Apparently, he has just signed on to make ANOTHER historical epic, this time the story of Pompeii. Well fuck me backways. How awfully original Orlie. Who or what will he be playing? My guess is the fucking volcano. Anyway I digress. Orlando Bloom is a cunt. I know it. You know it. He probably knows it for that matter.

So, that ruined my already shitty week but worse is to come. The third Pirates film is out in three days and I am seriously considering faking my own death, getting plastic surgery and moving to Nepal just to get out of going to see it. I jest not. Apparently, the running time is 168 minutes. WHAT??? Even longer than the last one. Please, all involved, these films are throwaway, trashy and cynically made films that are based on a fucking Disney theme park ride. They are not the Three Colours Trilogy. So, get a grip of yourselves, grab a hold of the nearest firearm and blow your shit for brains out of your thick skulls.

I shall review Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End when I get back from seeing it. You never know. I might like it. Ish.

I think I will leave on a positive note though. The CGI on that squid, quim, whatever bloke was pretty sweet.

Pointless Fucking Remakes #3: BREAKING NEWS! Sort Of.

News came forth yesterday that Hollywood’s number one Cheddar-Bell, Paul W S Anderson, is to remake The Long Good Friday with the aid of a $50 million budget. Now, the problems with this are ten-fold but first of all that film is a bona-fide British classic and one that is cherished by millions not least myself. It’s a fucking great film. Gritty, violent and very much a product of its time being set during the Thatcher years and the rise of big time capitalism. It features without a doubt Bob Hoskin’s greatest ever performance. And yes, that includes Hook. Just watch his face in the closing scene being driven away by the dastardly IRA. Not a word spoken but every emotion is portrayed. It’s truly stunning. British cinema classics don’t come around very often but ‘Friday’ is up there with the best of them.

So WHY in the name of Cunty McAxe-Wound has some retard given PAUL W. S. ANDERSON THE JOB OF REMAKING IT? Fucking shithead. Anyone not familar with Anderson should first of all not get him confused with the genius Paul Thomas Anderson, he who wrote and directed the awesome Boogie Nights and the sprawling Magnolia. No, W. S. Anderson is the douche-bag cocoa-shunter who gave us such cinematic delights as the Resident Evil series, Alien VS Predator,(how did you fuck that concept up?) Soldier (a rare Kurt Russell stinker), oh, and he is in preproduction with ANOTHER remake , Death Race 2000. God have mercy on us all.

If it wasn’t bad enough that ‘Friday’ is being remade at all AND by a complete fucking moron, Anderson has, in his infinite wisdom, decided to move the action from the London Docklands to............Miami. ???????????????

And just to make sure my blood pressure hits 2000 mmHg systolic over 980 mmHg diastolic, they have confirmed the cast as follows.

Harold Shand: Gerard Butler
Victoria Shand: Beyonce Knowles
Colin: Gerard Butler
Razors: Lance Henrikson
Jeff: Gerard Butler
Harold’s Mother: Gerard Butler
Parky: Orlando Bloom
Eric: Gerard Butler
The gay IRA bloke originally played by Pierce Brosnan: Pierce Brosnan.

ABSOLUTE. FUCKING. DISGRACE!

Remakes? I shit 'em.

Crabman Presents PUPPET-FUCKERS!

I was in quite a chirpy mood today so I thought I would give my cynicsm a rest for a change. When in this kind of mood, which isn’t very often, I wonder what positive, enlightening material I can post on the site for you, the readers. I racked my brain and I came up with a doozy that's sure to delight. Back in April I wrote an upbeat article concerning the top ten animated characters that I would most like to boff so I thought another top ten might be of interest, this time being the top ten movie puppets that I think need a good seeing to. In a sexy way.

So, without further ado. Lets fuck some puppets fellow Puppet-Fuckers.

1. Salacious Crumb: Return Of The Jedi 1982

Odd choice this. But one I stand by. Mr S Crumb is Jabba’s bezzie mate. He sits by his side come day, come night and is always on hand to rip the eyes out of gay robots whenever the need arises. He's a stand up guy and a friend I would love to have. I suppose this is just another one of my weird observations but just look at the way he sits in that come-hither-and-fuck-me-ragged kind of way. Its not all about looks you know.



2. ED-209: Robocop 1987

Ok, another strange one but bear with me. ED-209 is a bad-ass. With a GREAT ASS! I mean, Robocop was a cool motherfucker and all but it was Ed that ruined my cacks the first time I set eyes on him. He soooo domineering.

“Drop your pants! You have 20 seconds to comply”

You're the boss Ed. You're the boss.



3. Paris: Troy 2004

For such a big budgeted epic directed by a major director I was a little perplexed as to why the film makers decided to use a puppet for the role of Paris. A fucking shit puppet at that. It looked so fake it became quite distracting. Eric Bana must have felt a right dickhead acting opposite a marionette. But, as this is puppets that I wouldn’t mind bell-ending I’m not so sure. I suppose it could give me a quick one off the wrist. No kissing though. WRONG!.



4. Mr and Mrs Spoon: Button Moon 1980-1987

Not movie related but just look at the filthy, key-swapping, swinging-dick motherfuckers. Think of the possiblilties of THAT threesome. Mr Buttons got a dildo for a nose for fucks sake. Awesome. Or, I could wait for Mr Spoon to fuck off to Button Moon for the day then I could get some one-on-one action with the missus. Proper button-flicking action. The lot. Sweeet.



5. The Dog-Alien Thingy: Alien 3 1992

Yes, it was a rod puppet. Thats why it looked like shit. Now, I don’t neccessarily fancy this puppet but I am intrigued by the prospect of cross-breeding myself with it. An artists impression of the possible outcome is below.



6. Miss Piggy: The Muppet Movie 1979

I had to put a Puppet-Fucker favourite in here. She’s great is old Piggy. I used to fancy her when I was just an ankle biter. Hardly ironic then, that in later life that I would go on to have many short lived relationships with pigs. Apparently, I was the grateful one. But what is ironic is that Miss Piggy could’ve been the one girlfriend that wouldn't have minded me sticking my hand up her gary.



7. Medusa: Clash Of The Titans 1981

Scary. Mother. Fucker. I remember quite vividly almost shitting myself when I saw this at the cinema as a young boy. That scary assed noise she made. Parp! But at the same time you have to respect such an independent woman. She lives alone with only her snake-bouffant for company because she don’t need no man to pay the rent yo. She wouldn’t look out of place in Destiny’s Child. Even better, if you did manage to get invited round for drinks at her place and things got a little steamy you wouldn't have to worry about your brewer’s droop as just one look from her at your todger and its ROCK BABY!



8. Lisa: Team America 2004

No words. Just look. (Shitty small Jpeg alert!)



9. Fizzgig: The Dark Crystal 1982

Fuck me, I really am scraping the barrel here but you don’t you think that Fizzgig looks just a little bit like a fanny? No? Less Lithium it is for me then.



10. Unknown Puppet: Some Crappy Short Film By Some Wanky Student

Finishing this list has been trickier than I thought but I did manage to find this pic on the interweb that rocked my world.