The Exorcist *hic* 2: Crapman's Re...*hic* view

Awwwww hell no. I saw this shit when I was....*hic*......14. I remember it being total wank. I....*hic*....decided to watch it again tonight because it was on fucking.....*hrffff*....Bravo, and to be....*hic*.......honest, I was right the first fucking....*splurf*........time. What a pile of shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Linda Blair don't even get 'er fucking.....*hnfff*......tit's out. Richard Burtock should be fucking ashamed of himself and I bet....*parp*......William Friedken is spinning in his fucking grave.......did I ever tell you the time I had that dream about going to Blockbusters to rent stuff?......Ahhhhhh.....Arse! Mind you.....I am a bit.......*hic*........pissed.

Saturday night telly is fucking.....*pfpfffff*.....wank!

Saw IV: Crabman's Review

And that's being kind.



EDIT: This is just another confirmation that the fourth film in any franchise is utter wank. Can anyone actually think of a fourth film in any franchise that was any good. And don't say ROCKY IV.

NEW! A Celebrity Theme Park

Mummy, mummy, can we go? Pleeeeeeeease. I want to wave my lightsabre around while we watch camels do what you and daddy do at night. Yaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!

Mark's onto a fucking nice little earner here.

Sneaky Script Excerpt: Meet The Spartans

Occasionally, we here at 2AM Towers (Fuck off, Ooshka!) get a WORLD EXCLUSIVE passed through our sweaty, hairy palms. Something so exciting that it would go RIGHT OVER the heads of the big-wig sites out there. Something so pulse-poundingly riveting that it needs to be sneaked out via the back-door that is our shitty site. Well, today is not one of those days. Today is the exact opposite of that day. In fact, if one of those days was finding Scarlett Johannsen gagged and bound and lubed-up, then today would be like waking up with a hang-over next to Michelle Rodriguez.

Today we got a copy of the MEET THE SPARTANS script pushed through our letter-box. In an envelope that seemed to be smeared in shit. And on fire. If you don't know about MEET THE SPARTANS, you are lucky. Imagine the worst, laziest, oxygen-deficient piece of cinematic "parody" the world has ever seen and then times that by ten. And add a million. After seeing the trailer, my entire family shat egg whites for a week. And the family dog talked hebrew at half twelve every day for two minutes. It's that bad. I don't give a shit if you parody some shitty teen horror movie, but taking the piss out of 300? You might as well run through every charva estate in the UK with an "I FUCKED MADDY" t-shirt and a child's doll strapped to your cock... that's how badly people are going to hurt you.

Anyway, here's a choice excerpt from the script -

EXT. STONE PATH - SOMEWHERE IN GREECE - NIGHT A group of swarthy Spartan warriors gather up the corpses of their fallen victims and pile them in a mound. SPARTAN #1 and SPARTAN #2 banter as they throw the dead higher and higher up the burgeoning wall. SPARTAN #1Ha ha, verily I did school your ass back then during that fine battle. SPARTAN #2Forsooth, varmin, you talk nonsense. And your mater is so fat, she has to wear a "Wide Load" sign. SPARTAN #1Why that is nothing, Spartan warrior man, your motherial unit is so poor, she can't afford to pay attention. Verily. Suddenly, Paris Hilton walks out from behind the pile of corpses carrying a small dog in a handbag. PARISOh my god, this is like soooo whatever. You guys are totally, like, over and that. Paris walks off behind the corpses again. Leonidas approaches. As he walks up to them, he accidentally trips over an errant duck and falls on his face. The two Spartans exchange comical glances and carry on piling corpses.

And another bit from the script as well -

EXT. SMALL VALLEY - SOMEWHERE ELSE IN GREECE - DAY The amassed ranks of the Spartan army gather in tight phalanx formation in between the high narrow walls of the [Could somebody check out, like, which country this thing is set in? AC] Valley. They hold their shields before them and point their spears towards the onrushing hordes of Persian soldiers charging them. It looks like certain defeat, but Leonidas turns to address his troops. LEONIDASI know what you're thinking, men, that this is certain doom. That we will die verily before the might of this giant army... But you're wrong! For tonight, we shall prove our worth and send their souls to Hell. For tonight... We dine... Leonidas spins to camera and produces a Big Mac and Fries. LEONIDAS..In MacDonalds! The entire Spartan army pulls out various meal deals from MacDonalds and tucks in to the tasty treats. From out of a cave in the valley walls, Lindsay Lohan stumbles out, looking confused. LINDSAYOh my god, you guys are so, like, bitches and shit. I totally, like, hate you guys. So, whatever, like, dude... She walks off. Leonidas finishes his burger and strolls back to the front of the army. On the way there, he accidentally trips over a duck and falls flat on his face. A bunch of Spartan soldiers giggle under their breaths.

Oh wait, it gets worse! This is the last excerpt as I don't want to spoil it -

INT. SPARTAN COUNCIL CHAMBERS - SPARTA - NIGHT Queen [Jesus, who thought of doing this as a period piece? I have to do fucking RESEARCH and shit! AC] Somethingorother addresses the amassed Spartan council of old men in togas and stuff. [Watch some I, CLAUDIUS and copy that. AC] Anyway, she steps up. Maybe shows a bit of titty. QUEENI come before you, oh wise nobles of Sparta, to beg to help my husband in his hour of need. In our country's hour of need. It is very important you-- She is cut off by a mobile phone ringing in the counsel. It plays Rihanna's "Umbrella". A fusty old man answers and has an argument with his wife. OLD MANYeah, I told you, it's council day! [beat] I know, we gotta debate and shit. It's awfully dull. [beat] Just put my dinner in the oven and I'll reheat it when I get in. [beat] Oh, and make sure you Tivo HOW IT'S MADE for me. He puts his phone away. The Queen sighs and is about to continue when Leslie Nielsen runs out from the side of the hall, looking confused. LESLIEGoddamnit, they don't pay me enough for this shit! I was in AIRPLANE, for god's sake! He runs off, but trips over a confused duck. The council laughs at him.

There's more comedy gold in them thar comedy hills than you can shake a big shitty, comedy stick at! MEET THE SPARTANS? SHIT THE SPARTANS, more like.

Why We Are Angry: The List (Part Three)

A while back DasGeordie and myself posted a long list of things that for some reason or another made us “angry”. My list was comprehensive but twas just the tip of the iceberg so I have decided to create another list. Viddy well fuckos!

Len Wiseman, Len Wiseman’s severe lack of talent, the fact that Len Wiseman gets Kate Beckinsale’s twat in his face every night, early nights, late nights, early mornings, getting to work late, getting to work early, getting to work to find out you have switched desks and now have to sit next to a girl with a brain the size of a peanut, shit with half eaten peanuts in that rips your ring to shreds the next morning, the recent Nicholas Cage film NEXT, Nicholas Cage’s erratic hairstyles, hairstyles, the fact I have no fucking hair, the fact that I get called Friar Tuck on an embarrassingly regular basis, Chris Moyles, the fact that Chris Moyles considers himself hot shit just because he’s written two shitty fucking books about his fat fucking life, people that read books, people that read at all, people who think it’s fine to sit in a pub with a glass of water ALL FUCKING NIGHT and take up the seats, students obviously, getting pubes stuck in my foreskin, foreskins in general, the price of bread these days, the price of everything these days, children, people who have children then don’t bother bringing the little cunts up properly so they end prowling the streets spitting on disabled people, disabled people, disabled people who milk fuck out of the system, the system, Brett Ratner and anything remotely associated with him, Guy Richie and anything remotely associated with him including his hagged old cunt of a wife, the fact that The Spice Girls are reuniting, the cost of Blu-ray movies, the stupid fucking Blu-ray vs HD DVD war that will go on for fucking ever, migraines, my brain, the fact that I have been too lazy to put up the blinds in the bathroom so if I have a wank in the shower in the morning the entire fucking apartment block would be able to see, the fact that I’m too lazy to go to the gym, gyms, smug cunts who go to the gym and go on and fucking on about how good they feel......FUCK OFF, chest pains, foot pains, back pains, pains in the arse, arseholes, anal sex, Jamie Oliver, the thought of Jamie Oliver having anal sex, having flashbacks from my childhood reminding me what a massive cunt I was, walking down the street and seeing someone you know about 500 meters in front of you who then acknowledges you but then you have a really awkward walk towards them not knowing where to look for some reason, taking a piss just after you’ve had a wank / fuck and it sprays all over the fucking toilet walls, public toilets, walking to work on a Monday morning only to find that several filthy cunts have left a puke minefield for you to navigate, slugs, stepping on slugs, stepping in shit, shit, Harry Knowles, the thought of Harry Knowles taking a shit, the thought of Harry Knowles having anal sex with shitty slugs all over him, Christmas, the fact that adverts for Christmas now appear on TV in fucking June, the thought of fucking June Whitfield, the thought of fucking June Whitfield up the arse whilst Brett Ratner and Harry Knowles watch and smear slug shit all over themselves.

I need help

EDIT: We are available for children's parties by the way.

Worldwide Celebrations Continue At New Posting

As the news of a brand new posting by the legends behind multi-award-winning internet website Two Angry Men finally reaches the last, most obscure tribe in the deep deltas of the Sudan, worldwide celebrations begin. I can now hand you over to our man in Thaiwan, Lo Slung Denim.

Yesh, thank you veh much. We hear news of new posting on interweb site, Two Angry Men and we get fireworks out velly quickly. We host huge display in red light district, which cover forty square miles. We hold parade in street and only let best-rooking rady boy lide on back of float. Our Plime Minister announce that, from now on, this be fluckin' well rown as Two Angly Men day and it become National Day for taking piss out of those less fortunate than ourselfs. And he say racism now OK, we no ronger have to mutter our "Ha ha, you say 'r' instead of 'l'" jokes about stupid white people. You sirry letards!

Ha, thanks for that! We now go live to my close personal friend, Anita Bevir in the capital of the Good Old United Kingdom of States and say, "Howdy pardner! How are you celebrating this momentous day?

Yes, thank you a whole gosh darn much, you rootin' tootin' sack o' man, y'all! We here in the Yew-nited States of Awesom-erica are sure as shootin' gonna outdo the yella menace when it comes to celebrating. Why just this morning, when I found out the news, I sacrificed BOTH my firstborn kids to the Screen Actor's Guild in thanks to those brave soldiers out there, making quality films. If it wasn't for those Freedom Fry-eating motherfuckers at Two Angry United Men, well, darnit, I think my poor Billy and Bobby might have grown-up in a world where marginally poor films were made. And that just ain' American, good gosh y'all!

Thank you for an interesting piece, there, Anita! Now, we cross over to the fair nation that birthed these two mighty internet stallions to see how they celebrated An Actual Post appearing on their website. Charles, how's it going?

Well, bally good to hear from you, old chap! I've just been up the apples and pears to check out the hullabaloo that's goin' on over me noggin', laaaa! It seems we've only gone and blown the whole of bloody Big Ben up to celebrate this spiffingly pip old day! I mean, it's not every day some ol' caaahnt makes a post on the internet! Why, by heavens, it's certainly not every day somebody gets a mite upset about them too. Lords a lawky, but this is a magical day!

And finally, our regional respondent, Ken Bigley, reports in from a beach somewhere in England.

Just a fucking stupid post on the internet, innit. Bag o' shite if you ask me. Dunno what all the fuss is about. Now fuck off, I'm walking me dog.

Thanks for that, Ken! Now, if you know of any celebrations occuring in your area, please be sure to let us know. After all, we wouldn't want this special day to pass us by, now, would we?

Mr Miyagi Like Jon Brown Sans Long Time

Hey now living argue peeps! What’’s with agro long time? Why you silly boy’s not just get along nicely eh? Miyagi been sitting on his cloud trying to catch fly with chopstick, for fucking change, when I read all this stuff about funny white man Jon Brown sans. He nice boy so leave alone or Miyagi get verrrrrrry mad and come down to living world and kick shit out of all involved. Wax on! I read Mr Brown sans site and it make Miyagi laugh hard. I like when he mention how annoying it is to have tall granny. My granny was verrrrrry tall indeed. 4ft 6 inches to be exact, She tower over Miyagi sans and make him do massive doody in pants when I not finish my noodles. She die when I six year old. Ha ha ha ha ha. Stupid wrinkly, tall woman with minge like Babylon garden.

Also, Miyagi nearly shit brick when he read Brown sans post about how laxatives make you do giganto doody in pants if not careful. Maaaany times Miyagi get caught short. I remember when Chris Farley sans and Miyagi take laxative just before going to Oscar ceremony before we die. Not good idea. Farley sans spray rancid water doody all over George Lucas sans just before Billy Crystal come on to tell funny joke. Like Jon Brown sans. Ha ha ha ha ha. Stupid Star Wars, beardy man. He long time covered in Farley shit.

And how can angry peeps like you not find getting an erection on a plane funny eh? Wax off! I used to get stiff doodle all the time long time when in plane. In fact, Miyagi get hard doodle all the time here in spirit world. Also dead person, Anna Nicole Smith, suck Miyagi sans doodle long time just the other day and chug the lot. She rotten though. Miyagi close eye and think of Carrie Fisher instead. Miyagi sans pretty sure God not like sexy time here in spirit world but he never find out. Stupid non-existing beardy cunt. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

But my favourite Brown Jon sans post is when he say he hate people who think Samuel Chocolate L Jackson is cool dude. Miyagi couldn’t agree more. He a fucky twat. He ruin Phantom Menace which Miyagi pull his doodle over. Mintos movie time! Miyagi not wacist you understand, but if I have to hear Sam Caramel Jackson say “Motherfucky snake on Motherfucky plane” one more time, I fucking kick his stupid Kangol hat right off stupid cool head.

So, I like Jon Brown sans. He funny white man. Not like the grumpy, luckless shitheads that run this site. Leave alone dickyheads or I come down and fuck your mothers. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Why Is Jon Brown Such A Massive Cunt?

If you're wondering who this cunt is I wouldn't be at all surprised. Now, this monumental cunt has nothing to do with films. In fact he is a "comedy writer". Or so he says. Let me just put this straight by saying he is nothing of the sort. By their very nature, "comedy writers" have to write funny material. That's the way comedy works you see. You write something funny and hopefully people will laugh at said material. This prick is quite possibly the unfunniest person on the entire interweb. Have a look at his site if you don't believe me. Its wank. Really wank. I know, I know, we sometimes post stuff like 'THE JEAN CLAUDE CANNED HAM' because we may have run out of ideas that particular week but believe me when I say the 'THE JEAN CLAUDE CANNED HAM' is comedy gold akin to Monty Python compared to the shit this cunt puts on his blog. I tried putting a few comments on a post of his that basically came down to "YOU ARE A MASSIVE, MASSIVE CUNT AND ARE ABOUT AS FUNNY AS THE BAD AIDS!" but apparently he disagreed and banned all further comments apart from "team members". His friends basically.

Now, if it's not bad enough that this cunt is a cunt, he likes to brag about how he has written for the BBC. Fine you might say until you find out that he wrote an episode of TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A PACKET OF CRISPS which just happens to be the worst program on TV let alone the worst "comedy" on TV. It's worse than CELEBRITIES DANCING ON ICE AND EATING KANGAROO TESTICLES. Why on Earth he would brag about this is quite beyond me. IT'S FUCKING SHIT, NOT FUNNY AND ANYONE WHO WRITES FOR IT IS A SPECTACULAR CUNT. This is what he says about himself on his pile of shit site:

I'm a young comedy writer from Northampton. Three things you need to know: 1) I was recently nominated as one of Broadcast Magazine's 'Hot-Shots' for 2007. 2) In 2004, I finished runner-up in the BBC's highly prestigious Talent scheme. 3) My credits include After You've Gone, We Are Mongrels, Two Pints, Scallywagga, No Heroics, The Milk Run and My Hero.

HA HA HA HA HA HA. The only funny thing this cunt has written seems to be his profile. Highly prestigious? Don't be such a wanker. Runner up? No shit you fucking bell-end. He fucking loves himself this cunt. He has recently amended his profile as before he mentioned that he wrote something for HEAT magazine. So, he's gay as well then. PRICK. This is him.



He looks like a fucking cunt as well.

Who's Your Farkin' Daddy Now, My Son!

Love a duck an’ all that, you caaaahnts, it’s Mystic Review Pizza giving you the farkin’ update an’ that on this ‘ere interwebsite bollicks. You might be wonderin’ why there ain’ been any totally unfunny posts made in, like, a farkin’ week an’ that. Well, it turns out those two uphill botanists only went an’ pissed orf a load a those filmmaker cahnts for good. Yeah, they pulled their final straw and Brett Ratner, Len Wiseman and farkin’ George “Belly for a chin” Lucas decided to put an end to ‘em. Yer see, they found out where those cahnts lived and paid ‘em a visit. Don’t ask me how they found out, like, I CERTAINLY wouldn’t ‘ave passed on their particulars for a donkey and the Sweeney box-set, you understand.

And now, those two cahnts are on the run, like me best mucka, Dr Bruce Banner. Hang on, Bruce is a bit of an air-hostesses name, innit? Although, I wouldn’t farkin’ say it to ‘im. Last time somebody knocked over his pint in the Wop & Kike down Old Kent Road, he went proper Al Garve on his mush an’ the guy was in Casualty for a farkin’ week. And not the farkin’ popular mum’s-tv drama, if you know wor I mean! So while they’re peggin’ it roun’ these fair isles, hiding from some directors wiv a fucking vengeance, I promised I’d look after this site. Dunno how long they’ll be gone, probably just till I get bored of looking into the future an’ that for you lazy cahnts.

Anyway, I thought I’d start with somefin a bit topical an’ look into the future for spooky films wot ain’ been made yet. It’s farkin’ Halloween soon and if there’s one fing me and the boys from dis site love more than their own farkin’ muvvas, it’s farkin’ Halloween. It’s the only time of the year me and the kids get to walk the streets without ‘avin’ the piss ripped for looking like fucking Italian bread-based food-stuffs. I make the missus stay in wiv a sawn-off in case any of those cahnt kids come round askin’ for sweets an’ that. Get a farkin’ job, you lazy cahnts!

So wiv a new SAW film out at the mo, I thought I’d look waaaaaay into da future and tell you what the crack is wiv some of the sequels. And I looked waaaaay into da farkin’ future, you know? I used up all my farkin’ prophetic skills to see at least THREE WHOLE YEARS into da future. And what’d I see? They’ve only gone and made SAW 24! Yeah, who knew you could make seven SAW films a year, eh? Not farkin’ me, that’s for sure!Anyway, I’ll list some of the excitin’ and cahnterific torture scenes that get used in this film. They ain’t pretty, so if you’re a bit of a farkin’ interior designer and that, you better just look away.

• An old man is forced to watch ARE WE DONE YET 14 on a loop until he saws his own nadgers off with a plastic spoon. He farkin’ does it after 20 minutes.
  
• A young white girl is raped to death by a big black bear. That one doesn’t really seem relevant to the plot…
  
• A chinee fella has cattle prods rammed up his arse and electrocuted until he shits his colon out of his jap’s eye. I proper loved it when he screamed, “Aiiii! My gametes!” and spunked his organs up the wall.
  
• A scrawny looking studenty type has rusty razor blades shoved down his throats and then is forced to go on the waltzers till he coughs up his lungs. Actually, fark, that’s not in the film, that’s what me an’ Davey from the offie did last weekend.
  
• A monkey is force-fed Eastern European-grade cocaine and then a young girl of eight is forced to wank ‘im orf and drink the lot. They did this in SAW 19, but it was so good, they did it again!
  
• A poor, sympathetic young man is forced to write the screenplay for STAR WARS VII, VIII and IX whilst a dozen sociopathic nerds look over his shoulder and make comments. ‘ORRIBLE!
  
• Jade Goody must eat every contestant of BIG BROTHER 20 without any cutlery or stove. She does the farkin’ lot and even finishes off with a Davina sarnie at the end! Filmic gold, that one!
  
• A poor elderly bird is gang-raped by eighteen killer whales whilst singing the entire catalogue of S CLUB 7. TERRIFYIN’!

I could go on, but I don’t want to spoil the fun for you. That DasBrummie cahnt says these films are “exploitational torture-porn garbage with plots so generic even a fucking half-wit could write them” but what the fark does he know? He has a farkin’ emo haircunt, wears a scarf and reads ‘Arold Pinter, the feckless posh twat! I ‘eard he once made a disparaging remark about the farkin’ duke, Danny Dyer! It’s only cos my parole officer made me register wiv these cahnts that I put up with it…

Anyway, I’ll be back a lot more than those lazy cahnts over the next few weeks, so stay tuned for more reviews from the future, cockney-based comedy and a right old cheeky barrel of southern monkey fun. Here’s hoping those two arse-masters get shot into the farkin’ sun by them directors for bein’ such negative bell-ends. I’m farkin’ hopin’, that’s for sure! So, for now, SHAZAM, YOU CAAAAAHNTS!

Yet Another Celebrity Product

Alright, alright. This is shit. Really shit. Why don't you try coming up with this crap every week. It's not fucking easy you know. In fact, why don't you all just go fuck your mothers!

Film Classification Warnings I Would Prefer to See

SEVEN (1995)

Pointwess Fucky Remake: Mr Miyagi Not Happy Long Time

Fucky hell! It’s me again, Mr Miyagi speaking from spirit world to tell you something I not believe in maaaaaany year. I sit on my cloud the other day trying to catch fly with chopstick for fucking change when my other also dead friend, River Phoenix, come up to me, out of his fucking tree, ranting about scaaaaary tale from the world of living peeps. Apparently, some chocolate coloured man called Will Smith is to produce remake of my film, THE KARATE KID. I say to River “Get fuck out of town! You shit me why not!” River say this true and I ponder for maaaaany hours.

After five seconds of pondering, Miyagi think to himself.

“WHAT SAY FUCK CHOCOLATE MAN MAKE FILM ABOUT MIGHTY MIYAGI AND STUPID LITTLE WHITE BOY THAT I TRAIN FOR FUCKING AGE TO BECOME STRONG LIKE OX ONLY TO BECOME TOTAL WHINY CUNT”

Miyagi react quite badly to this but River sans explain to me who Will Smith is. This not help. Especially when I find out Will sans be putting his mini chocolate son sans in film.

“SAY WHAT FUCK WHY NOT! KARATE KID NOT BROWN. HE FUCKY SHOULD BE YELLOW BUT RALPH MACCHIO NOT HAVE LIVER DISEASE FROM BOOZY LOVE WHEN MAKE FILM. THAT LATER WHEN HE WASH UP MOTHERFUCK”

Miyagi not racist you understand. Miyagi just not understand why remake film that veeeeeerrry perfect in first place. Miyagi calm down until River sans go on to explain who will play your yellow pal from beyond grave, Mr Miyagi.

“BONSAI FUCKY CHOPSTICK MOTHERFUCKING CHRIS TUCKER RUVVER! HOW FUCKY DARE WILL CHOCOLATE MARMITE MAN SANS GET STUPID PWICK JACKIE CHAN SANS TO PLAY MIYAGI. I FUCKING KILL ALL INVOLVED WITH REMAKE BY DEPLOYING PRAYING MANTIS FUCK OVER MOVE.”

Miyagi steamy hot mad after all this news. I’m thinkng I visit living world and have word with Will Smith and tell him to get fucking gwip and make original film. And I don’t mean THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS 2: MILK TRAY. What fuck with all remake in Hollywoodland? Stupid pwicks.

Anyway, When KARATE KID remake come out, I shall visit you again to review it for two childish pwicks that make this intersite but until then I stay on my fucking cloud trying to calm down while trying to catch fucking fly with chopstick. For fucking change.

Topical Celebrity Movie Poster!

From the creators of ALIEN VS PREDATOR, FREDDY VS JASON and KRAMER VS KRAMER, comes a filmic event to rival any you have ever seen before!

They fight! They cook! They fight! They cook! They enigmatically pose on battle-scarred cliff-tops with large penis-replacement firearms! They cook! They fight! They speak in the worst made-up accent ever recorded! They fight! They cook!

All this and more coming to a cinema near you Summer of 2009! Directed by Uwe Boll! Starring Gerard Depardieu as Lloyd Grossman! And Jessica Alba as Master Chief! And Jack Black as Talky-Talky Funnyman!