Why Can't I Grow The Fuck Up?

We are not all about getting angry at other people on this site. No, we can get angry with ourselves just as easily. Recently, DasGeordie proclaimed that he “knows shit” which if you read that post you would probably agree. I know he is absolutely disgusted with himself as I am of him but hey, nobody's perfect. However, it did inspire me to get angry with myself and got me to thinking.......WHY HAVEN’T I GROWN UP YET?

I’ve always been a bit of a nerd you see. When everyone else at school was listening to Wham!, Culture Club and The Beastie Boys, I would lock myself in my bedroom and listen to Jean Michel Jarre and Tangerine Dream whilst pretending to actually play the music on my shitty casio-one octave-keyboard. What a twat! Actually, I still fucking do that come to think about it.

I was always obsessed with movies when I was a kid and grew up on a diet of zombie and slasher films, early John Carpenter, Spielberg and Star Wars and if I got the chance I would go round my mates house to watch the latest Tracy Lords porno on Betamax whist sitting on the sofa with cushions over our stiffies and taking turns to "go to the toilet". My mates dad was divorced and he had what we called the ‘cupboard of cum’. This cupboard was just filled with stuck-together jazz mags and the aforementioned Betamax porno collection which made him the best dad in the world as far as I was concerned. Except he wasn’t really. He was a cunt.

I am now a 34 year old married man with a mortgage, an ever increasing bald patch and a beer belly that will not go away no matter how much Stella I drink. I don’t understand. I do one sit up an day (getting out of bed) and always run at least 1/2 a mile a day (to the off licence) and I still look like one of the fucking Mr Men.



I digress, but my point is that all the geeky shit that surrounded my life as a child still stays with me. Stronger than ever actually. Here’s just a quick example. Below is a list of some of the T-Shirts that I currently own.

• A Zombie Flesh Eaters T-Shirt (it’s fucking mint actually) which I wear on Tuesdays and to funerals.
  
  
• A Ghostbusters logo T-Shirt that is now really tight on me because I’m a fat cunt but I still wear it even though I look like a fucking Weeble in it.
  
  
• A Lucasfilm logo T-Shirt that used to be my favourite but I am now liking less and less due to the fact that it has the word ‘Lucas’ on it. It too is really tight.
  
  
• A Knight Rider T-Shirt that, ironically, was bought for me by my wife. I don’t wear this outside as the last thing I need is to get glassed in my local pub.

But worst of all? I have Superman pyjamas! Yep, I shit you not. Actually its more of a T-Shirt/shorts combo in blue that has the ‘S’ logo on the front. Again bought by my wife. I should be embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself but I’m not. I’m fucking furious with myself. GROW THE FUCK UP YOU TWAT! I got genuinely excited the other day because I found a mint Dawn of the Dead and Weird Science T-Shirt on Play.com. For fucks sake!



I honestly can’t help it. I have Type O-Geek blood pumping through my veins and quite frankly it is pointless to resist. I’m cursed like DasGeordie and many others who have yet to feel the touch a woman's breast or indeed even talk to a fucking woman. I’m lucky in that my wife was pissed when I first met her and she agreed to marry me that night because I just knew that if she sobered up and spent more than four hours with me she would turn lesbian. Our first date was to the cinema. What did I take her to see? Blade 2. Very romantic. We had our first argument after leaving the cinema because she said it was shit so I got the hump and said she knew fuck all because she liked Harry Fucking Potter. Way to try and get a blowjob you fucking imbecile!

Last year I spent £120 on a toy lightsabre. Cunt. I nearly went on a killing spree after watching Spider-Man 3 due to its rubbishness. Cunt. I’m excited about the new Transformers film. Cunt. I’m going to watch Batman Begins again tonight for the 14th time even though it’s Saturday and I should be out mixing with the general populous. Cunt! I have Jaws 2 in my DVD collection. Cunt to the extreme! I liked Armageddon.......I think you get my point.

I doubt very much that any regular readers will find any of this particularly enlightening (except maybe the Superman pyjamas) but I thought it would might be cathartic to write this piece in the vain hope of embarrassing myself into maturity. I hasn’t worked unfortunately.

Once a geek. Always a geek.

Crabman's Inbox 29th June 2007

Why I Know Shit

While I was visiting my "parents", I got to flicking through some bits and pieces in my old room. You see, in amongst the love-socks, the porn-mags, the piles of old Total Film and the old SNES with only STREET FIGHTER 2 still playable, I found a pile of old ticket stubs. For some reason, as an anal teenager, I decided I'd keep all the ticket stubs from my trips to the cinema. I thought I could make some modern art fixture out of it at a later date. I didn't think it would be used for a shit update on my movie blog. Largely because in my teens, I don't think the word "blog" existed and I figured once I started having sex, I'd stop being interested in films. BIG MISTAKE.

Anyway, I apologise for the 0.2 megapixel shitty macro functional camerawork from my shitty phone. I may as well just have doodled most of these fuckers. But no, I needed to prove to you, the general populous that I know what shit is. Because I PAID to see most of it.


Yes, not even ACE VENTURA 1, I paid to go see ACE VENTURA: WHEN NATURE CALLS. The title was the funniest part. I will go on record as saying that for stupid fun, ACE VENTURA is OK. It's not high art, but I did laugh from time to time. But a sequel? Who asked for that? Obviously a teenage me asked for it. I want to travel back in time and punch the cunt in the head.


I was going to save the best till last, but FUCK IT. Yes, I paid to see BATMAN & ROBIN. As I may or may not have mentioned before, I actually had this weird sensation like somebody walking over my grave as I walked into the cinema to see this. I just felt that something was wrong. And two-odd hours of Bat Credit cards, "Ice to see you" and Bat-cocking-girl later, I knew why I felt something was wrong. GOD, this is the shittest film I think I have ever seen. How the fuck George Clooney got out of this one scott-free is a mystery to me. He was SHIT.


This is definitely the first CHARLIE'S ANGELS as I still haven't seen the second one. Why? Because of this piece of shit. I thought I might be able to justify it to myself because there's a scene with Cameron Diaz wearing Spider-man pants but I've since realised Cameron is a bit chip-shop and SPIDER-MAN 3 utterly destroyed my faith in spider-based super-heroics. When the funniest part of your film is Bill Murray chewing on soap, you know something's gone wrong. Also, McG is a cunt. SUPERNATURAL? SuperSHITural, more like.


I almost don't want to apologise for this, as I quite enjoyed it. The last half hour is utter turd, but there are some nice set-pieces and... Well, Angelina Jolie has never been as smoking hot as she is in this film. Maybe MR & MRS SMITH (Which I enjoyed and I'm not entirely sure if Crabman hates), but she is the definition of fuckable video-game characters. In fact, that gives me Crabman an idea for an update! I went to see just about every single video-game adaptation as a teenager. They were all shit.


Oh my god, I'd really go and see any old piece of shit, wouldn't I? LOST IN FUCKING SPACE? With Matt LeBlanc? Who thought he'd be a viable heroic lead? What a bag of shit. Featuring the worst example of merchandise-based plot-insertion with that little yellow bag of turd alien thing. Also, one of the most non-sensical endings ever devised. Most of the time you have to stop thinking when it comes to time paradoxes, but this is a fucking KID'S FILM, YOU UTTER CUNTS. Who did the theme-tune update? Orbital? I remember hearing it every twenty minutes before the film came out.


I'm fairly certain I went to see the first one at the flicks and will argue any man to his death that it is a great action flick. It was probably the first and last time the cunt Sommers was any good. Also, Brendan Fraser is a great hero. He should have played Superman. But this sequel is fucking shit. I mean, really shit. I can't remember anything about it other than it has a fucking turdy little kid in it and Donna Air has a five second cameo. I couldn't even have a quick wank over Rachel Weisz because John Hannah kept putting me off my stroke.


Oh my god, how big of a cunt is Chris Tucker? Seriously? A MASSIVE ONE. I like Jackie Chan, I love POLICE STORY. I love all that manic shit. The stuff that genuinely looks like you couldn't do it, even with years of training. He is mental. And all of his shitty western films have sucked major balls. THE MEDALLION? Go piss up a rope! THE JACKET? Hang on, wasn't that an Adrien Brody psychological thriller? What do I mean? THE TUXEDO? Bunch of cocks! And did I mention how much of a cunt Chris Tucker is? You know they're still making these shit films? I want to kill. Every single day.


I post this not because I necessarily hate SCARY MOVIE. The first one was OK. It has spawned a devilish franchise of SCARY MOVIE 18, DATE MOVIE, EPIC MOVIE, SKAT MOVIE, SNUFF MOVIE and PAEDO MOVIE. I post this largely because I actually paid to see SCARY MOVIE 4 at the cinema but couldn't find the ticket. In my defence, me and my then-lass were bored and didn't want to just get pissed and decided to go and... Oh fuck, who am I kidding? I think my taste sensors are breaking down. I'm gonna be going to see ARE WE DONE YET? any second. Then I will die.


I also found the ticket for STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT, but that's not actually that bad as far as SHIT TREK films go. This one, INSURRECTION, is so bland that I have actually forgotten what happened. It is my new policy that people who pay to go see STAR TREK films in the cinema should have their virginity re-applied. Even when I worked at a cinema and they were showing NEMESIS, I would rather sit and watch BARBERSHOP than that turd. Fucking STAR TREK? No wonder I didn't get laid much in high school.


This is quite possibly the worst video-game to film translation ever committed to celluloid. I post this partially so I can tell you about the fourteen-odd MORTAL KOMBAT stubs I found in the pile. I know I didn't go see MK fourteen times, so some of them must be for the sequel - which I have now decided is the worst film ever made. When Christopher Fucking Lambert turns down appearing in your film, you know you're on to a loser. And when you manage to hire a guy who is a worse actor than Christopher Fucking Lambert, you know you fucked up. Anyway, STREET FIGHTER is awful. I don't need to tell you that. If you haven't seen it, just look at the fucking box! If you have seen it, I feel your pain, brother.


In my defence, my sister wanted to see it and I had to go with her. Seriously, two hours of fucking arse torture. I mean, I love Cameron, I've grown to love DiCaprio, but I was - along with every other man in the cinema who'd been dragged along - screaming in our heads, "JUST FUCKING SINK!" God, I think owning a ticket stub for TITANIC actually makes you gay. Quick, Crabman, get the Two Gay Men banner back up!


I had to actually look on IMDB to see what this film IS. I'm none the wiser. I had stubs for films I couldn't even remember seeing. THE CORRUPTOR? DESPERATE MEASURES? CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE? I can guarantee they were all shitty action films/thrillers I went to see out of desperation. I should have just taken up wanking as a hobby - more fulfilling and a lot cheaper. And far less embarassing at a later date. Although, if I had, this update would just be a dozen odd pictures of my favourite wank socks. And nobody wants to see that.


The worst part about paying to see this is that I started work at a cinema barely a month after this and got paid to spend all day watching this fucking shite. In fact, I think I saw this film about four times on my first day and grew to hate every single second of it. Vin Diesel can kiss my ring if it wasn't for PITCH BLACK. This is another of the weak and regular attempts to eXtreme-up James Bond that very rarely work. Remember TEEN AGENT? I probably saw that in the cinema too. What a cunt I was!


And to prove I wasn't a COMPLETE cock-knocker in my teens, I did go to see some good films from time to time. There was a pile of tickets for things like FIGHT CLUB, CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON, etc. But that wouldn't be as funny/embarrassing, would it? Now you know how I know what shit is. Because I paid good money to go and see it in the cinema. I repeat again - What. A. Cunt.

More Celebrity Products.

But where can you purchase such a product? Don't tease us Nic.

Who's A Big, Fat, Ginger, Sell Out Motherfucker?

And before you say anything the picture below is not me and I am not a big, fat, ginger, sell out motherfucker. OK, I am a bit fat. No, the person in the picture is Harry Knowles, the founder of Aint it Cool news. That site has been going for years and there was a time when fat arse used to write impartial and honest reviews of upcoming films. However, since he has become somewhat of a celebrity in Hollywood he has turned into a right cunt. I mean, just look at the bulbous bastard.



You see, the studios started to worry about any bad reviews that this tosser would put on his site so they started inviting him to film sets, asked him to attend private screenings, fed him roast pig every hour and let him rub shoulders with A-list actors and directors all the while paying for his flights and accommodation. They basically sucked up to him to try and get him to say something nice about their movie. He is apparently good friends with Stallone, Bruce Willis and Peter Jackson. Why? Fuck knows. What I do know is that Knowles likes just about every major film that is released these days because he either knows someone at the studio or he gets sucked off by Bruce Willis every other weekend. Am I being cynical? Probably. But I genuinely believe that his site is no longer the domain of the masses and free thinking but a Hollywood wank-fest and back-slapping monstrosity. He's a massive (literally) CUNT and I hate the prick. Don't believe me? Well, he liked Spider-Man 3 and Fanstastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer which were both wank. Plain to see I think you'll agree.

Also, he has apparently just found a bride to be. Or should I say a mail order oriental bride who is either mental or she was so desperate to get into the US and out of the shit-hole she used to live in that she doesn't mind fucking that disgusting, sweaty, lardy arsed tub of shit to get a green card. He goes on and on about her in his posts when nobody really gives a shit but he is so chuffed that he's managed to get some minge and off his mommy's titties that he thinks the whole world should know. Well we don't need to know you hideous, copper-topped shithead. Fuck off.

I am well aware of the fact that we have a link to his site on here but that is purely to get up to date movie news. It is not so that you can go and read his clearly biased reviews. There are other writers on AICN that I genuinely respect but I always give Goodyear a wide bearth.

I mean, I maybe a geek but at least I'm not an odious, soul-selling, gateau-shovelling, exploitative, smelly, cynically-minded, kentucky fried chicken eating GINGER MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

If you are still not convinced of his supreme cuntiness, below is an actual screen capture of part of his review of The Phantom Menace he wrote one year after originally seeing it.



Click here to read his full review. It's fucking hilarious.

Another Unfunny, Amatuerish Photoshop Job.

This took me fucking ages and it still looks shit and quite frankly it's not very funny. I can't believe I spent the best part of an evening trying to get the font to look right just so I could take the piss out of old Bloomy. Actually, it was fucking worth it. As always.

Ed Norton AntiVirus

Other photoshop opportunities I was too lazy to make:

• Michael eBay
  
• Melinda Windows Messenger
  
• LexMark 2190 Luthor
  
• Dell Amitri
  
• Dora the Internet Explorer
  
• Solitaire Campbell
  
• Kill me now, I'm not funny

Fuck Star Wars. Fuck Lucas. Fuck Life.

Yes, we are just as confused as you. DasGeordie and myself dipped our toes in and indeed tried batting for the other side for a few weeks but frankly our arses are fucking killing us and we want to go back to being our normal furious, manly selves. Who like women. So, enough of that bollocks.

I’m sure you are all well aware by now that I thought the first two Star Wars prequels were unforgiveable piles of shit but wait, theres one more if memory serves. Yep, Revenge of the Sith was the last remaining prequel that I hoped would restore my faith in the series and George Lucas. As always, DasGeordie and myself along with another couple of sad fucks attended the first screening on opening day. The ushers were wielding lightsbares and generally the buzz in the theatre was good. The lights dimmed, the curtains closed and I was genuinely excited.

Upon leaving the cinema, I went on and on about how “It’s nearly as good as The Empire Strikes back” and “George Lucas has redeemed himself” All bollocks of course and frankly I still feel like a complete cunt for saying those things. You see, I have rewatched the film a few times since and guess what. It’s fucking rubbish. No surprise there then. My nerd-blinkers were well and truly on that day. But, instead of listing my usual top ten, I have decided just to rant incoherently.



First off, the film starts with a space battle which has so much fucking CGI that it is all but impossible to watch the opening five minutes without having a serious fucking seizure. Lucas, as always, in his infinite wisdom, obviously asked ILM to throw everything but the kitchen-bastard-sink at the screen and in turn gave the entire audience a migraine of biblical proportions . So, thanks for that and it’s only five minutes in. Hayden Christensen still can’t act for toffee and has clearly been given the usual “faster, more intense” shitty direction from Lucas. And ignoring it. I still find it unfathomable that out of all the actors in the world who would have made a great Anakin he chose Hayden. Mind you, its still Lucas’ fault because the cunt can’t direct for shit. Or write for that matter.

The direlogue reaches some truly earth shatteringly cringy moments in this final chapter. I mean. reeeealy fucking awful. Let me remind you with a brief converstaion between Manakin and Padme which is even painful to type.

Anakin: "You're so..........beautiful

Padme: "It's only because I'm so in love"

Anakin: "No. It's because I'm so in love with you"

Padme: "So, love has blinded you?"

Anakin: "Ha Ha Ha. Well, that's not exactly what I meant"

CRIIIIINNGE! Please, make it stop. For the love of god.

This was supposed to be the “dark” episode of the prequels but I’m sorry, it wasn’t dark enough. I wanted to see Yoda battle a chronic heroin addiction. I wanted to see Anakin beat his wife up after a prolonged White Lightning binge. I wanted to see Chewbacca sectioned for flashing his genitals at old ladies. I wanted to see R2-D2 get AIDS after an unsafe sex session with C3-PO. I wanted to see Obi-Wan get done for fiddling with the younglings. Now, THATS dark. I remember getting quite upset in the cinema when all the Jedi got slaughtered but on reflection it wasn’t nearly upsetting enough. I wanted Saving Private Shak-Tii or Full Metal Ki-Adi Mundi with heads flying and limbs exploding. But alas not. Plus, the Jedi were supposed to be near unkillable but all it took was a couple of shots from a blaster and they were fucked. Made. No. Sense. WHATSOEVER!



C3-PO is still the annoying bender he’s always been. R2-D2 has got those fucking rocket boosters again. Sam Jackson still doesn’t convince as a motherfucking Jedi. The film is over-designed to within an inch of it’s life. There is a stupid iguana, bird thing that Obi-Wan rides for some reason. I got bored of the lightsabre fights (No mean feat). Featuring Wookiees in the film was probably the most arbitrary, pointless, cynical thing Lucas has ever done since that Jango Fett nonsense. Senator Palpatine is still just a pantomime villain who’s about as scary as The Grudge 2...........ARRRGGGHHHH!



Now, I could have gone on at great length but I want to concentrate on the single most wank part of Sith. The Birth of Darth Vader. This was the moment that we had all been waiting for. 22 years to be exact. Go George! Don’t let us down. Please.

And of course he did let us down. Badly. The descent to the dark side should have been a slow burning, dread inducing transformation that would have given the original trilogy more dramatic weight. Here is a quick rundown of why Manakin decides to turn all wheezy.

Anakin has a nightmare about Padme dying. He shits himself. Senator Palpatine tells him that the Sith can stop people from dying and Anakin believes him. Senator Palpatine reveals himself to be evil to Anakin who shits himself. Anakin grasses Palpatine up to the Jedi. Jedi go to arrest Palpatine but get mullered except for Mace Windu. Anakin decides that he needs the emperor to help him save Padme so he shits himself and chops Mace’s hand off. Palaptine gets a new “evil” face for no reason that I can discern and the following direlogue is pretty close to film after that point.


Anakin: "Oh shit. What have I done? I think I’ve shit myself"

Palpatine: "You fucked up and now you have no choice but to be my evil apprentice"

Anakin: "OK. Anything you want master"

Palpatine: "Nice one. I’ll call you Darth Vader now . Can you now go and kill loads of children for me"

Anakin: "No worries"

I have taken some liberties with that exchange but that really is how Lucas concieved Anakin’s turn to the dark side. Fuck off. Cunt. 22 fucking years for THAT??? I feel like a complete mug.

You know the opening to the original Star Wars when Darth Vader first appears through the blast doors? Great wasn’t it. He scared me when I was a youngling. Well, he’s not scary anymore because you can’t help but thinking to yourself that underneath that mask is HAYDEN FUCKING CHRISTENSEN. Thanks George, you have now even ruined the original trilogy for me.

When Anakin finally gets the mask put on him, he stands up and the coversation goes a bit like this

Darth Vader: “Where’s the missus? Is she OK? Does she need any groceries brought in? Has she made that doctors appointment for me? I hope it’s shepherds pie for tea.”

Palpatine: “Erm, she’s dead mate. You strangled her remember.”

Anakin: “Eh? Fair enough. We can save her though right? I mean, I doubt she’ll forgive me about the strangulation, infanticide and the fact that we will never be able to have sex again but I’ve heard that Relate can do wonders with failing marriages.”

Palpatine: “Don’t be a cunt Darth. Hey, do you fancy chilling out and watching the Pirates of the Carribean trilogy back-to-back?”

Anakin: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"



The film ends shortly after that along with any fond memories I had concerning Star Wars. In the last ten minutes you can tell that Lucas had no idea of how to tie up the remaining links to the originals so he just wings it. Wipe the droids memory. Yoda tells Obi-Wan that he can become more powerful when he snuffs it but forgot to tell any of the other Jedis before they got killed. Split the twins up making sure that Luke gets put on his home planet while keeping his dad’s surname. Obi-Wan goes off to become a hermit. The End.

I promise from now on never to talk about Star Wars again but I may still mention Lucas every now and then. Mainly due to the fact that I hate him and partly due to the fact that Indiana Jones 4 has just started shooting and I may have something to say in the coming months about that.

Star Wars. 1977-2005. R.I.P

Happy Birthday Tobey Maguire!

Many happy returns Tobey. Now, I know that you have a wife and you both recently brought a child into this world but Spider-Man 3 was soooooooo unspeakably bad that I have decided to out you as a massive queer.

DIE HARD: Why Fat Al Loves Big John

Yes, I know I haven't posted anything in a literal YEAR. Yes, I know Crabman claimed I spent the entire time choking down my own man-meat and was having ribs removed. He is WRONG. I can reach it perfectly well without a rib missing and in fact, almost poked my hindbrain out just last night, deep-throating my skin sausage.

However, on to more pertinent matters. Having re-watched the classic DIE HARD, I was struck by something I'd never considered before. No, not that Holly Genaro has some pretty good tits (Not that I'm interested) and yet has the Worst Hair Ever. No, I was struck by how obvious it is that the true love story in DIE HARD is between our chunky, be-quiffed John McClane and rolly-polly twinkie-eating Al Powell. Some have tried to claim that Sergeant Powell is a magic negro - a black character only included in the story to teach the white hero some valuable life lessons - but they are wrong. Fat Al is there because the only advice he wants to give Big John is the best way to rim him. Here is the evidence.

• In his first scene, Fat Al is seen buying lots and lots of twinkies by the moustachioed convenience store clerk. This clerk proceeds to mock Fat Al's claims they're for his pregnant wife. Some might suggest the clerk thinks the wholesome sugary items are in fact all for Fat Al... They'd be wrong. That clerk has blatantly had his gaydar buzzed by a homosexual so in the closet, he's found Narnia.
  
  "Eeh, I love twinkies, me! Sorry, did I say 'twinkies'? I mean to say veiny cocks!"
  
• John McClane has taken a whole six months to come out (Ooh-er) to Los Angeles to see his wife. Why? Because he was too busy dealing with a back-log of scumbags in New York. So Big John would rather spend his time around burly rough men than his nice-tits-bad-hair wife? Soooo not gay.
  
• John's first actions upon seeing Fat Al walking away from the Nakatomi building is to throw a man at him (Not gay, obviously) and then shoot his load all over the place (Not gay either).
  
• John's first words to Fat Al are "Welcome to the party, pal." If a man said this to me when I was at a party, we both know it really means, "I'll be in the toilets in five minutes lubing myself up, try and at least get a semi." Also, look at another famous party which got a lot of media attention and somebody died...
  
  
  
• Rather than try and contact his wife or speak to any more important members of the authority, Big John would rather spend his time talking to a fat, desk jockey Sergeant. The scenes of longing and will-they-won't-they conversations as they talk over the handsets are so beautiful... They can talk directly to each other, but never look in the other's eyes. So heartwarming.
  
• John McClane wears a tight vest all the way through the film. Gay.
  
  
  "Check out my totally hot cardigan - This won't be fashionable again until 2005, but I WORK IT, BABY!"
  
• Fat Al carries handcuffs round with him to chain up other men. Gay.
  
• During the tense final meeting between the two men, John is seen to be draped over a woman he's barely talked to the entire film and looks totally un-at ease with her... Just like Tom Cruise and Every Woman Ever. Fat Al's wife doesn't even get a look-in. Obviously made-up.
  
• During the climactic and nonsensical final ending where crazy should-be-dead teutonic terrorist, Gruber Von HansenGruber tries to kill Big John, Fat Al saves the day by gunning him down. John has taught Al how to shoot his load over another man and that it's all right. For too long, Al has hidden in his office (Closet) afraid to go out into the street and get some action after accidentally shooting his load over a minor. Now, he knows it's OK once more to fire his hot load over another man. Even to do it in public. Truly, a wonderful message for us all.

So there we go. DIE HARD is actually the basis for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. If you imagine that sheep are terrorists, the mountain is actually a large office block and you don't get to see Anne Hathaway's tits (Not that I'm bothered, obviously).

Is Tom Cruise Bent? The Trial.

Hmm. The eternal question isn’t it? I’ve always liked Tom Cruise even before I went all gay and that but I have never been sure that he was a closet turd-burglar. A lot of people seem to think he is but I wanted to know for sure. With this in mind I decided to do some research and look back on some of his films and rate them by how gay he looks in them. Yep, it’s all very scientific but someone has to do it. So, sit back, relax and let us all get to the bottom of Tom’s bottom.

Exhibit A: The Outsiders (1983)



Not off to good start here Tommy lad if you are trying convince people you like fannies. I mean, really Tom, you look fabulously gay in this film. I’m guessing the director was intending to make you look manly and tough but I’m afraid you look like a reet homo. The jacket, the hair. All gay. Better luck with the next one love.

Gaydar Rating 8/10

Exhibit B: Legend (1985)



Oops. Another major blow for the Cruiser. Sorry pet but you look a reet nancy boy in that film. Look at the picture. The lady is clearly terrified all the while you can just tell that he’s thinking about potting the brown with another chap. Very unconvincing. Camp as fookin Christmas.

Gaydar Rating 7/10

Exhibit C: Top Gun (1986)



Big. Butch. Brown loving. Bender.

Gaydar Rating 10/10

Exhibit D: Cocktail (1988)



Umm. Where to start? I’m sorry Tom but you fooked reet oop her like. I know that you’re character is supposed to be a ladies man but to be brutally honest love, dressed like that, you wouldn’t get a sniff of minge in the real world. Women would just give you the number of one of their faggy friends and ask you what moisturiser you use. Not looking good at the moment sweetheart.

Gaydar Rating 9/10

Exhibit E: Born On The Fourth Of July (1989)



Yay! The Cruiser pulls one back with this film. Not remotely gay. I mean, I was going to give him two gay points just for the moustache but I thought that would be a bit unfair. He looks filthy and smelly whereas us gayers like to keep nice and clean and well groomed. I shower three times a day me. Although to be fair it is just to get the sweetcorn out of my pubes. Go Tom!

Gaydar Rating 0/10

Exhibit F: Interview With The Vampire (1994)



Oh dear, oh dear. Fookin hell Tom I thought you were trying to convince everybody that you like the furry cup. What in God’s name possessed you to star in a film that clearly makes you out to be a total Marmite-Highywayman. To be fair though I’d give him a reet going over in that outfit. Dirty queen. All vampires are gay. Fact. Even Blade.

Gaydar Rating 10/10

Exhibit G: Magnolia (1999)



Ahem. Sorry but I found these picture from the film and I had to instantly twang my tuna. You're maybe thinking it's a bit unfair to use a picture where he looks like a proper rim-rammer but in fact he’s gay throughout the entire film. Ok, he maybe trying really hard to hide the fact by giving seminars on how to get pussy but it really is a poor effort in the closet stakes.

“Respect the cock.......and suck the cock” would have been a far more believable mantra. Tom is crashing and burning baby. Crashing and burning. Lets just hope he can get some man points on the next one.

Gaydar Rating 8/10

Exhibit H: Mission Impossible 2 (2000)



Nope. Gay I’m afraid. The whole film is like one long shampoo commercial and Tom is just loving those slo-mo shots of his hair in the wind. Before I was gay I thought the film was shit but now I have come screaming out of my closet I fookin luuurrve this film. What does that say? Also, look at the poster. It’s got fookin doves in the background. Gay. Gay. Gay.

Gaydar Rating 7/10

Exhibit I: Collateral (2004)



The jury is out on this one. He’s a hitman in this film so that is quite macho I suppose but on the other hand he still manages to look like he’s hiding something. You know what I mean? The grey hair makes him look like a seasoned arse-bandit which is nice. You decide on this one luvvies.

Gaydar Rating N/A

Well, there you have it. It doesn’t take a fookin genius to realise that the Cruiser is now officially a member of the gay community. We welcome you with open arms Tom. And open zips. And with stonking great stiffies. We love you Tom!

And just to make sure that this is now set in stone, his full name is Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. How fookin gay is that? It was in front of us all the time but it took a real carpet-muncher like myself to uncover the truth. Maybe you can’t handle the truth.