Film Classification Warnings I Would Prefer to See

PEARL HARBOR

A Message From Kevin Spacey

Coo-ee!

I'm not gay you know. It's a common misconception these days that I would rather have sex with men than females. This, of course, is absolute balderdash. I think females are great and I would, in no way, rather have a hot stiff one up my gary of an evening. To make sure that all my fans realise just how manly I am I spoke to my good friend John Hannah who said the best way to get people to think that you're straight is to release your own video game. And here it is. KEVIN SPACEY INVADERS!



It took a team of one person to code this beast of a game over a period of a day with my supervision. I based it on a classic but to be honest I really wanted the bunkers and the little ship at the bottom to be brown but we only had two colours to work with. If the game got a little hard you would just have to squeeze your big rocket between the brown bunkers and wait patiently until you feel like shooting all over my face. I like brown. The game will be in the shops ready for Christmas - my favourite time of the year. I genuinely can't wait for all you 16-32 year old men to get ahold of KEVIN SPACEY INVADERS, take it home, lock yourselves in your bedrooms and start bashing your joysticks furiously while you shoot all over my face. You can even whack it on your hard drive. Or your floppy! There is even going to be a Wii version where you strapping young boys can whack me off all over the room. See, not gay at all!

So, do me a favour, any young men reading this, and make sure that you purchase KEVIN SPACEY INVADERS so that you can invite me into your bedroom for a night of furious, sweaty, manly, hard-as-a-rock joystick bashing. Please be aware though, to gain maximum points, you have to shoot all over my face. A lot.

Tatty Bye!

Detectiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!

Two Angry Men Help The Government

With the recent announcement that the UK government is not through ANALLY PUMPING anybody who wants a cigarette, I thought I'd finally offer my assistance. After all, I see just as many people smoking outside after the Smoking Around Cunts Who Interfere Ban came into place two months ago. The only difference is that snobby, wine bar, middle-class cunts who don't even go to half the pubs I used to smoke in can now have the moral high-ground about smoking. Cunts.

Anyway, the recent announcement that the government is now going to have compulsory images printed on all cigarette packets of HIDEOUS, almost GEIGER-ESQUE deformed internal organs post-tobacco-related disease got me thinking. I mean, all smokers know they're going to die. We all know we're probably going to get lung cancer and spend our last futile years hacking up lumps of death tar. And not the kind that symbiotically joins your body and gives you strange new powers and a bit of a strut. The kind that, if it were to gain sentience, would probably appear on Jeremy Kyle and claim dole. So these images really don't work. I've come up with a few that might work better.

	Obviously none of these claims are scientifically proven in any kind of recognised science journal. I mean, I don't have the resources to scientifically prove any of this. I also don't have the knowledge, experience, skills or brain power to care. But it's SCIENCE FACT and there's no denying THAT level of conviction. If you smoke too much, you will turn into Chris Tucker. FACT.
	A lesser known condition but certainly a worrying one. If you carry on smoking, you may end up RUINING otherwise perfectly good franchises, pointlessly cast Vinnie Jones in roles he doesn't deserve and continue to make money out of staid, tired non-comedies. You may also have suspected paedophiles in comedy ass-rape roles. And nobody wants that. Be afraid of advanced Brett Ratner-ism as it may lead to a seriously fatal cause of Len Wiseman-itis. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
	There's nothing worse than some tedious cunt approaching you and offering to "Buy a tab off you". Imagine that but now he's not offering to buy one, he just wants one and it's not some tedious cunt, it's the erstwhile fourteenth-on-the-billing star of THE MUMMY and THE MUMMY RETURNS. I don't think he's ever given me a cigarette and I know I've given him four billion and one. I was just talking to Donna Air last week and she said he's never given her a tab either.
	Fucking FACT. And I live in the North East of England, one of the grimiest, pissing-it-downiest, most miserable places on God's green earth. So now I have to sludge my way through a foot of tabs piled outside every pub in town and then do it again every half hour when I want a fucking tab. I HATE YOU, GOVERNMENT!

Mystic Review Pizza: Psychic Pasty Is A Cahnt!

Nah, do I ‘ave the facking hump or do I ‘ave the facking hump. The two shit-stabbers that run this wank site are always asking me to do ‘em farkin’ favours and that. “look into the farkin’ future and review this” and “look into the faarrrrrkin future and review that”. I always relent because despite the cahnts being complete facking melts, I sorta like ‘em. But, just the uvver day, this proper pony site who call ‘emselves Stupid Fucking Customers had the fackin’ audacity to challenge my fackin’ future seeing abilities by bringing on board some cahnt called PSYCHIC PASTY. What the farrrrkin’ ‘ell is that all abaht mush eh? Stupid fackin’ cahnts more like. In case those cahnts ain't noticed, I’m a farrrrrrrrrkin rock 'ard naughty cockney with minerals the size of 'ampton fackin' court. I eat farrrrrkin pasties for breakfast mush. Not ahnly that, the cahnts wot write that shitty blog are obviously devoid of fackin’ ideas. Nah, I wanna make this plain and fackin’ clear right. Any cahnt that wants to go toe-to-fackin’-toe with yer old mucker Mystic is more than farrrrrkin’ welcome, because ya know wot? I know people mate. Fackin’ people that will kick ten shades of shit aht of any cahnt that tries to get tasty with me. Know wot I mean? If the cahnts want a fackin’ war the farrrrrrkin cahnts will get a farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkin war. Melts!


Nah that’s off me chest, I ‘ave to go and look waaaayyyyyyyyyy into the farkin’ future and review TERMINATOR 4 for the plebs that run this site. I ‘ave a feeling that TERMINATO.........hold on mush......."Oi, Barbara! I’m not being funny, but if you don’t stop that fackin’ dog barkin’ I’m gonna come in there and show you the tasty side of my fist...........No,no,no Barb. Stop and listen to me, I'm fackin' workin' ere so let me make this crystal farkin’ clear. SHUT THAT FACKIN’ DOG UP OR I WILL COME IN THE FARKIN' KITCHEN AND FACKIN’ SHUT YOU UP!

Sorry abaht that. Fackin’ women and all that. Anyway, like I said, Psychic Pasty can come at me with all he’s got but I ‘m pretty sure the cahnt comes from Cornwall in which case he’ll be a complete fackin’ fudge packer. Get facked!

Pasties? I shit ‘em

Kazzam!

P.S. TERMINATOR 4 was fackin' shit!

Things That Make My Dick Hard: PART ONE

I am at a total loss today. I awoke with a hangover normally only reserved for George Best and also the need to take a dump so large that I was sure it would level the apartment block once flushed. I took three uranium-grade painkillers and pondered what I might post today. I couldn’t think of a fucking thing to whinge about which is extremely rare for me. But then......EUREKA! Just what, exactly, makes my dick hard I thought. Fan-fucking-tastic. Obviously, I can only include things movie related and after thinking for a good 20 seconds I came up with some surprisingly disturbing things that make my dick hard. In fact, the upcoming list disturbed me so much that it made my dick hard. Feast your eyes on this fucking lot you lucky cunts.

• HOME CINEMA EQUIPMENT
  
• TEASER TRAILERS
  
• LINDSAY LOHAN'S CLUNGE
  
• THX SOUND PROCESSING
  
• CHRISTOPHER NOLAN
  
• OPTIMUS PRIME'S NUTS
  
• THE THOUGHT OF GEORGE LUCAS SHITTING HIMSELF IN PUBLIC. PREFERABLY AT THE OSCARS.
  
• BATMAN’S INVITING CAVE
  
• BIG FUCK OFF PLASMA SCREENS
  
• DVD BOXSETS
  
• MERYL STREEP'S AGED CLUNGE
  
• THE POSSIBILITY OF NICK LOVE'S 'MORPH'
  
• STEVEN SPIELBERGS BEARD
  
• CLINT MANSELL'S ORGAN
  
• BIG FUCK OFF HOTDOGS
  
• WATCHMEN
  
• CHRISTIAN BALE'S MOUTH
  
• HALLE BERRY'S BANGERS
  
• ZOMBIES
  
• DAVID CRONENBERG'S SHIT-PIPE
  
• LORD OF THE RINGS MERCHANDISE
  
• IMAX
  
• ORLANDO BLOOM'S HEADSTONE
  
• TYLER DURDEN
  
• THE THOUGHT OF JENNIFER LOPEZ CONTRACTING CANCER OF THE VOCAL CHORDS
  
• JENNIFER LOPEZ’ S CLUNGE
  
• THE F-14A TOMCAT AS USED IN TOP GUN
  
• THE THOUGHT OF QUENTIN TARANTINO CONTRACTING AIDS
  
• HIGH DEFINITION VIDEO
  
• THE POSSIBLITY OF CARRIE-ANNE MOSS STARRING IN A PORNO WITH RON JEREMY
  
• DAVID FINCHER'S BATHMAT
  
• LILO AND STITCH
  
• AIRWOLF THE MOVIE
  
• PRINCESS LEIA’S CLUNGE
  
• CRANK AND THE POSSIBILTY OF CRANK 2,3,4,5 AND LIVE FREE OR CRANK HARD

A Message From John Hannah

Hi there,

With the recent announcement that my good friend Stephen Sommers will be directing the upcoming GI JOE film, I thought it was time I had a chat with you, my loyal fans. You see, Stephen doesn't get much work nowadays after those nasty, nasty reviewers ripped into VAN HELSING. I mean, calling it "the cuntiest piece of CGI toss ever released" was a bit harsh and I was especially cut to the quick by "I'd rather lick out Liza Minelli's fungus-riddled clunge than sit through another minute of this". Both of those were taken from Paul Ross' review on daytime TV show THIS MORNING as well.

But with this announcement, I thought it was time to reach out to you, my fans. Both of you. You see, with my good friend Stephen Sommers getting some work, that means that there may be a role in this film for your good friend, John Hannah. And if I were to get a role in this film, I PROMISE that I would repay every single tenner I have ever borrowed and will, in fact, buy you any drink of your choosing up to £2.70 in price depending on inflation.



You know it makes sense!

Cheers,

John Hannah

PS - Any chance of borrowing a fiver?

Honestly, the cheek of the cunt... But I promised him I'd put up YET ANOTHER demand from the tight bastard. I mean, I doubt he'll be even making back twenty quid from a fucking GI JOE movie, but that's just me.

It's Not Fucking Rocket Science - The Punisher

I'm really fucking serious about this. It's not. It's not rocket science, it's not brain surgery, it's not even fucking sudoku... It's A PIECE OF PISS! I could write you a PUNISHER screenplay in half an hour that would shit on that Thomas Jane abortion from a great height. I'm not blowing my own trumpet, I'd warrant that anybody out there with a grasp of the English language, a knowledge of the character and a sadistic streak a mile wide could do the same. Because It's Not Fucking Rocket Science, You Cunts.

To explain how distressed I was with the first PUNISHER film (And I'm discounting the version with Dolph Lundgren because that blatantly wasn't a Punisher film) would take more than the mere words of the English language. I'd probably have to invent some new ones. You know, like that popular misconception about the inuit having 47 different words for snow? I'd have to discover another 46 words for "Cuntingly fucking shit-stabbingly awful turd". And to be fair, some of that's not even English. Anyway, the simple formula of a Punisher film can be summed up thus.

• He is a marine who served in Vietnam. I don't care about them updating IRON MAN's origin because it was about war, not a specific war. But Frank Castle NEEDS to be from the Vietnam war.
  
• His family are accidentally killed by mobsters. Any more overcomplication than this misses the integral point that it was an accident.
  
• He lives in New York. Not in fucking Hawaii or whatever sun-bathed paradise they shot the first film. FUCKING IDIOTS.
  
• He kills people. A lot. The point I lost all interest in the film was when part of Frank's sinister plan was to give somebody a parking ticket. HE'S THE FUCKING PUNISHER! HE'D JUST SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD AND WALK AWAY! Jesus. Fucking. Wept.

Anyway, I was almost getting vaguely excited about the new PUNISHER film with the announcement of Ray "THIRTEEEEEEEEEN" Stevenson as Frank Castle. He looks like he would tear off your head and shit down your neck just for looking at him funny. Also, he is from the North East of England and used to go to the cinema I worked in as a kid, so he is One Of Us. He looks the type, Thomas Jane was always a bit too much Hollywood Rough rather than Actual Rough.

I hadn't heard much about the director so I decided to check her out. JESUS CHRIST ON A FUCKING SEGWAY, SHE'S A FUCKING WOMAN! Who the fuck even lets women direct films never mind action films? What the fucking chuff is a woman gonna know about tearing out a man's guts with your hands and choking him to death with them? Here is a picture of her stood next to Elijah Wood. Well, not next to him, they've probably used trick photography or something.

Yes, her biggest claim to fame prior to this is that she made GREEN STREET. You may know it under a different name, but it is the film about football hooligans with Elijah "As menacing as a blind man with a sniper rifle" Wood. And, by god, that was an awful, awful film. I don't have the time or inclination to do a full review here, but that film was universally hated by every single person I've ever spoke to. It was the least threatening film and had the worst ending ever. I literally wanted to reach through the screen and strangle both the director and screenwriter. Now I know who she is, I will take great pleasure in it.

But- But- But... She's quite fit! She has her own cute little blog too. I would do strange things to her, even though she has a hint of the Maggie Gyleenhalllenhallenhal-esque Downs Syndrome about her. Also, she is a world class martial artist and has competed in competitions across the globe. Also, she went on tour with some kind of MORTAL KOMBAT stage-show as Princess Kitana. If she still has the costume, I'm open to a bit of cosplay - I'll even let her rough me up a bit.

But- But- But... She's a woman! Making a PUNISHER film! It's bound to go horribly wrong. I mean... SHE'S A FUCKING WOMAN! God, I am in such a quandary. What do I like more, The Punisher or fit women who can fight? So much confusion... Either way, we can all agree that this is quite possibly one of the stupidly easiest films to make and so far they've fucked it up twice. Really, Hollywood, it's not fucking rocket science.

Films I Am Not Looking Forward To In 2009

Well, the summer blockbuster season has closed with more of a whimper than a bang with THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM and quite frankly it has been one of the worst Summers yet being filled with pointless sequels and Chris Tucker. But, it's only gonna get worse if the announcements today are anything to go by. Below is a list of confirmed films currently in pre-production that will be ready for release Summer 2009. It's not looking good.

PAY YOUR MORTGAGE OR DIE HARD

John Maclane is against the odds once again as interest rates rise beyond manageable levels and his house becomes seriously at risk of being repossessed. One particularly memorable scene from the leaked script is a 30 minute conversation between Maclane and his police chief about the possibilty of either a raise or voluntary redundancy. The only action set piece centres around Maclane having a rather one sided argument with bailiffs waiting outside his front door. No swearing. Directed by David Schwimmer.

JAMES BOND VS FREDDY

A bit odd this one as Daniel Craig could be risking career suicide by having any part in this stupid cross-over that sees Freddy Krueger escape from Hell only, instead of carrying on with his usual, casual infanticide he decides to hold the world to ransom by hacking into telecommunication satellites and transmitting MEAN GIRLS on a loop to every single TV channel available. Society collapses and Bond has only 48 hours to stop Krueger or the worlds population will go insane. Such a bad idea that you would think that some cunt just spent 30 seconds thinking it up. Directed by Uwe Boll.

SPIDER-MAN 4

The one with 62 villains, 12 song and dance routines and Peter Parker not even bothering to put the spidey suit on. At all. Directed by Sam Raimi with some help from a clueless fat-fuck producer. Or Avi Arad as he likes to be called.

HARRY POTTER AND THE SHITTY HOTDOG

This is a JK Rowling endorsed spin-off that see Harry going to University on a quest to find the drunkest slut he can find to give a "shitty hotdog". According to the press release blurb, Harry has fucked off his ginger mate and decided that the only way he can get any minge is to go it alone in search for that elusive "shitty hotdog". I have to say that Rowling has surprised me by authorising this sequel. I've read the first draft and I can tell you for certain that it is going to be a hard 18 certificate. The dreary denoument is really rather upsetting. Dark Stuff. Directed by David Cronenberg.

BRIDGET JONES: THE CRACK WHORE YEARS

Another slightly disturbing sequel from a popular series of books that sees the titular slag lose her job, boyfriend and house and resorts to selling her flabby clunge to chinese businessmen to pay for her chronic smack addiction. Bridget's lovable persona goes out the fucking window in this sequel. It really is quite harrowing stuff. In a good way. 40 minutes in and already her sense of humour has been replaced by a homicidal dislike towards men and she ends up weighing around four stone due to fact that her diet no longer consists of Haagen Daaz and white wine but Chinese businessmen's jizz and poor quality heroin. I might be tempted to actually go and see this one. Directed by David Lynch.

SHREK FUCKS HIS KIDS

I thought this was a joke but apparently the big-wigs at Dreamworks have honestly decided to make a Shrek film that has a serious message about the ongoing problem of paedophilia and child abuse. Frankly, I think they have lost their fucking minds. If the title doesn't put you off taking the kids then let it be known that it's going to be directed by a certain Brett Ratner. FRANCHISE KILLER ALERT!!!

GUY RICHIES REMAKE OF 'THE EXORCIST'

Now, I'm just as angry about this as you are. THE EXORCIST is a flawless horror classic and one that shouldn't be remade at all let alone by a one-trick talentless faux-cockney cunt like Guy Richie. The press notes state that Michael Bay's production company, Platinum Dunes, is financing the project with an estimated $200,000,000 budget and the possessed child so memorably played by Linda Blair will now be played by Vinnie Jones. What the fuck? "Yer muvva sacks cocks in 'ell mush!" After Richie's awful REVOLVER he has been looking for projects outside of the "cockney gangster" genre but to be honest what he should be doing is staying away from a film set altogether, staying at home with his saggy-twatted wife and adopt ethnic children. It gets worse. The role of priest Damian Karras has now been given to Bob Hoskins and the mother is probably going to be played by Barbara Windsor. The film is reportedly going to be set in South London. Shooting starts in a couple of months. This is gonna suck harder than Lindsay Lohan giving James Dyson a blowjob. In a Black Hole.

To Celebrate Our 100th Post!

All that work and so little reward. Yes, this is our 100th post since starting all those months back in April. Who'd have thought that by this point, we'd have accumulated such a concentrated stockpile of information, constructive criticism and academia? Nobody, because it's 100 posts of utter bile, the word "cunt" and cocks being photoshopped onto movie stars. And I'm sure Crabman would agree, we'd have it no other way!

Indiana Jones IV Potential Titles

• INDIANA JONES AND THE SEVEN SHADES OF SHIT
  
• INDIANA JONES AND THE PINK FLAMINGOS
  
• INDIANA JONES AND THE TIME I GOT LOST IN THE SUPERMARKET
  
• INDIANA JONES AND THE BLUE-TACK OF MARGARET
  
• INDIANA JONES AND HIS FRIEND HILARY
  
• INDIANA JONES AND THE FORGOTTEN LEGEND OF SOMETHING WHICH HAPPENED SOMETIME
  
• INDIANA JONES AND MY CAR KEYS
  
• INDIANA JONES AND THE CENTRE OF A DONUT IS FULL OF JAM
  
• INDIANA JONES AND THE ELOCUTION LESSON
  
• INDIANA JONES AND THIS AND THAT
  
• INDIANA JONES AND THE UNFUNNY GAG THAT NEEDS TO DIE
  
• INDIANA JONES AND MONSTER MUNCH'S ORIGINAL RECIPE WAS BETTER
  
• INDIANA JONES AND THE STATE MADE OUT OF CHEESE
  
• INDIANA JONES AND A VISIT TO THE ZOO
  
• INDIANA JONES AND THE TIME HE GOT HIS FOOT STUCK IN A CATTLE GRID
  
• INDIANA JONES AND THE CLOCK HE KEEPS FORGETTING TO WIND UP SO IT'S ALWAYS SHOWING THE WRONG TIME, BUT IS RIGHT TWICE A DAY
  
• INDIANA JONES AND THE WALNUT'S ASS
  
• INDIANA JONES AND THE COUGH MEDICINE BELONGING TO HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND
  
• INDIANA JONES AND THE FACT OF THE MATTER
  
• INDIANA JONES AND CHRIS TUCKER

How many of those would I watch? At least 88.75% of them, that's how many, fact fans!

Is This One Of The Great Hollywood Comebacks?

No, this is not one of Hollywoods greatest comebacks. It is, quite possibly the lamest post I have EVER done in my life. And, I have posted some lame-o wank in my time.

The Boring Ultimatum

Hello kidlings, it's me, Muhammed Ali - ex-boxer and ex-sane man of legend. I'd like to take a few moments of your time to tell you about this film I've been working on. GET UPPA! GET ON UPPPP! Ye see, I been turning my hand away from the floating of butterflies and instead to the photography of major motion pictures. GOOD GOLLY, MISS MOLLY! I was asked by my good cracker-ass friend, Paul Greengrass (Or Chalkie as I like to call him) to handle the cinematography on his latest film THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM. I was only too happy to oblige. DOES THAT MAKE ME CRAAAAAAAYYYYZY? I shall talk you through some of my favourite shots of the film and discuss it at length, fool!


This is a classic shot of my main cracker, Matt Damon. Damon is a cool motherfucker despite having a potato head and a face like a walnut's ass-hole. DIAMONDS AND PEEEEEARLS! You see what I have done here is use a handheld approach to the photography and made sure that it is not in focus at all or stays still for more than half a millisecond. I achieve this through a new technique I, Muhammed Cassius Clay Ali Mustafa the Third, have devised. I call it Parkinsons-vision! ARE YUH GUNNA GO MA WAY?


Here's another shot of the pasty-faced crackerjack Matt Damon. But this time I used my patented Parkinsons-vision technology turned up to ELEVEN! When you crank this motherfucker up to eleven, all kinds of crazy never-seen-before shit starts happening. You think that motherfucking fuckingmother David Fincher could do this? You think that mothermotherfuckfuck Steven Spielberg ever dreamed of this? I'M INTO SEX, I AIN'T INTA MAKIN' LOOOOVE! You see, I turned the goddamn camera upside down! UPSIDE-MOTHERFUCKINGFUCK-DOWN. You can't even tell what the MOTHERFUCK is going on here! It's the kind of skillage that I was famed for in my boxing days before the cruel irony of brain damage took over. Who'd have thought blow-induced brain damage would be boxing's loss and cinema's gain? WHAT A FEEEEELIN', WHEN YOU'RE DANCIN' ON THE CEILING!


Here is where I pull the goddamn big guns out. This is a variant on the Parkinsons-vision I patented, copyrighted, trademarked and motherfucking cockmunched. It is called Carpal Tunnel View 3.1. AAAAM A ROCKSTAAA, QUICK ON THA DRAAAAW. You can achieve this special effect without all my training, expertise and nibbleness of feet all by yourself. Route A to achieving this goal is to get into a fight with somebody twice your size and use your head to block the punches. Route B is to drink a concoction they have in Engerland - where my main cracka Paul Greengrass is from - called TwentyTwenty. You don't gotta drink a lot of this stuff because, like me, it gets fucking results, bitch. THERE'S A RAT IN MA KITCHEN, WHAT AM A GONNA DO?


Holy shit, I don't even REMEMBER this shot. That's how fucking quality I am, I FORGOT more shots than you've had hot dinners. In fact, just this morning I forgot my name, what year it was and whether cats could talk or not. In fact, who the fuck are you? Where's my nurse? SEXUAL HEEEEEEALING! What the fuck is this? Matt Damon again? I can't even tell? That fucking cracker-munch Paul Greengrass, who probably owns a slave ship or two, ought to put more thought into his movies. Another shot of Matt Damon, the walnut-ass-face-having motherfucker? Is he talking on his mother-fucking phone again? I wanted to do the fucking cinemotherfuckingtography on a JASON BOURNE film, not a fucking CARPHONE WAREHOUSE advert! FUCK THE POOOOLICE! Jesus, son, I will whip your ass and call you Terry next time I see you.


The whole mothergoddamnfucking movie is filled with top quality footage of this calibre and that no-good lynch-mob ku klux klan motherfuckster Paul Greengrass said he loved every frame of it. And if he didn't, I'd punch that ass-master so hard, his KIDS'd be born with bruises. Well, I'd get my bodyguard to anyway. I'M ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIIIIIIMES A LADY! Hell, they were so pleased with my work on the cinematography that they let me write the motherfucking script too. Me, Muhammed Superman Chris Bonnington Barry Cryer Ali, wrote a motherfucking major motion picture. They said it was quite difficult to decipher my scrawled spazz hand-writing, but managed to work out most of it. Hopefully, this won't be the last you'll hear of me! I'M JUST SITTIN' ON THE DOCKA THA BAY! Peace out, crackers.

Two Angry Men Meet Brett Ratner

Well, a big thank you to all of our readers who gave so generously to the Two Angry Men Charity Foundation enabling DasGeordie and myself to succeed in winning ‘Dinner with Brett Ratner’ on Ebay. With a bit of last minute re-mortgaging and mugging we managed to raise the $15,800 needed to meet the cunt that made the RUSH HOUR TRILOGY.

We arrived in Los Angeles at 5.45pm yesterday and took a taxi straight from LAX to the restaurant where we would be meeting the man himself. I have to just quickly say that security is a bit wanting at American airports these days. We managed to get through with a machete, an M16, a tazer gun, a flame thrower and an array of rusty dildos without so much as a glance from the authorities. Stupid cunts. Anyway, we arrived at KFC at 7pm and there he was. Brett Ratner. I’ll start off by saying that he’s a right short arse. And fat. And he’s a total cunt. He did however make one fatal mistake in meeting us two. He had no security with him. Ha! We sat down and DasGeordie secretly turned on the dictaphone in his pocket. Here’s how it went down.

Brett Ratner: Hi guys. So, you wanted to meet the genius who made RUSH HOUR 1,2 and 3 as well as X-MEN 3 eh? You must think I’m the schizzle to pay such a large amount of money just to sit with me for a couple of hours.

Me: Yeah, something like that mate.

DasGeordie: We wouldn’t have missed this for the world Brett.

BR: So, what do you guys wanna ask me about?

Me: Erm, here’s a question for ya mate. How the fuckity cunt did you manage to fuck up X-MEN 3? You literally fucked the franchise up the shitter. You some sort of cunt or something?

DasGeordie: And FAMILY MAN was fucking shit as well.

Me: And AFTER THE SUNSET.

BR: Hey guys, what’s with all the hostility?

Me: Up yours fatso. Making one RUSH HOUR film is cunty enough. But 3! Despicable cunt. (Getting out my tazer gun and blasting Ratner in the chest) TAKE THAT YOU FUCKING TWAT-CLANGER!

BR: AAARRRGGGGGHHH!!!

DasGeordie: Hahahahahahah! Fucking mint! Oi Crabman, grab his legs and I’ll kick the cunt in the head several times.

Me: No fucking worries mate. (grabbing Ratners legs and pulling him to the ground)

SMACK! BOING! CRACK! BANG! WALLOP! CRASH!

BR: Uhhhhhh...........hel.................p...............crazy.................people.

Me: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SLAG! (getting my machete out and chopping Ratners fat fucking arm off)

CHOP!!!

BR: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!

DasGeordie: Crabman, throw us the flame thrower and I’ll scorch his fucking balls.

Me: DO IT!

BR: No........please.........I....beg........Rush......Hour......was.......

DasGeordie: EAT THIS!

WHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!!

BR: AARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHH!!! FUUUUUUUUCK!

(sounds of DasGeordie and myself continually kicking the shit out of Ratner. For an hour)

Me: You had enough Brett? Got the fucking message? You make one more film and we’ll come back and finish the job. Know what I mean? Fat cunt! Come on DasGeordie, we’ve got a plane to catch.

(DasGeordie gives fat boy one last kick to the temple and we leave the sobbing prick in a puddle of his own shit, piss and blood)

Not such a big shot now is he. I have to say that was the best $15,800 we have ever spent so a big thank you to all who donated so generously. You made the world a better place.


Ratner earlier today

Can You Help?

Can you give a small amount to those more needy than yourself?

Are you willing to make a small donation to make the world a better place?

Do you mind offering a small pittance to two people who are very deserving?

If so, you've come to the right place - you see, we at the Two Angry Men Charity Foundation (Awaiting charitable registration number) desperately need to raise more than $13,400 before the close of play tomorrow evening. I know you've probably received a dozen or more spam emails of this ilk today, a pile at least of flyers through your front door too. But this is a serious problem and we need your help.



Because this man is auctioning off a dinner with himself on eBay. The man? Brett Ratner. And we need your small donation to win this auction and join this man for dinner. And REPEATEDLY DONKEY-PUNCH HIM IN THE KIDNEYS UNTIL THEY RUPTURE. Yes, if you can make it possible that Crabman and I could make it through security unharmed and meet Mr Ratner himself, we will guarantee to FUCKSTART HIS HEAD WITH RUSTY DILDOS WHILST SHITBANGING HIS COLON. What more deserving charity is there? Can you name one? I can't name one.

Click on the picture above to see the plight we now face. Neither of us can afford this ungodly sum for ourselves. We need your help. If you think you can help, please contact us via email and we will happily take your money. If we don't raise enough money by the close of bidding, don't worry about refunds. You will never see your money again.

Please, do something for the greater good just this once. Your small cash amount can make the cinema a safe place to visit once more.

Thank you,

Satan's Movie Reviewer #1: Paul Ross

Crabman and I have become increasingly upset about the quality of reviews in even some of our most favoured publications. No longer can we rely on TOTAL FILM or EMPIRE to provide unbiased, qualitative reviews that are of any use. Too many times have they lauded some utter bag of fuck-spanners as a work of unbridled genius. No, we've long since stopped relying on even the most well-written reviews as no use to us.

However, even in their wrongest moments, the two publications above have always been entertaining and stated the facts in a vaguely accurate fashion. There are far more reviewers out there who got their job because they have a nice pair of tits/famous brother/can breathe through their noses and suck like a Dyson. These are usually called "Entertainment Correspondents" and whichever country you currently reside in, you know exactly what I'm talking about. But as I live in England, I shall tell you all about our very own Worst Movie Reviewer Of All Time - Paul Ross.

This is fuck-stain of a human being. He used to work on gash yoof programme, THE WORD, as an editor. Instantly, he is a cunt. He worked on THE BIG BREAKFAST. Cunt. He had his own TV show. CUNT. He worked on bid-up.tv before it became a student/piss-head's cult favourite. Cuuuuunt. He appeared on not one, but TWO reality TV-shows. Caaaant. But the icing on the cherry cake of cuntiness is that he appeared as a fictional character in the first BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY movie. CUNNNNNUUUNNNNUUNUNUT!

But what really irons my nads is his regular slot as movie reviewer for daytime TV frontal lobotomy, THIS MORNING. I'm a little hard on THIS MORNING as it's not actively dumbing down for its audience. Its audience really is this stupid. The kind of people who can't/won't get jobs, the kind of people who look after their eighteen kids, the kind of people who go to university but never attend lectures, the kind of people whose brain capacity is close to that of a walnut. For these people, THIS MORNING - and by extension - Paul Ross' film reviews are probably equivalent to the works of Proust. To these people, the instructions on the back of their Ch-Ch-Ch... Charmin' toilet roll is Pulitzer Prize-winning.

But Ross' reviews are legendarily turdulent. Even his wikipedia entry accuses him of "quote whoring", a practice bound to mark you out as a fuck-knuckle of the highest order. A good example of this kind of thing would be if I mentioned in a review of WILD HOGS that I thought it was "Hoggerific!" or "I went WILD for this movie!" instead of the more likely review quote which would be "WILD HORSES wouldn't drag me to see this abortion." Quote whoring is the least of Ross' problems, he is one of those cunty reviewers who refuse to say bad things about anything because, you know, somebody will probably enjoy it. Yes, those people who spend twenty minutes trying to work out child-proof caps on pill bottles or think Sudoku is a foreign language. We have a word for these people - retards.

Paul Ross' reviews are utterly, utterly useless for any purpose other than to laugh at. He writes for THE NEWS OF THE FUCKING WORLD for the love of God. One of the most awful tabloid pieces of shit available. I wouldn't wipe my arse with THE NEWS OF THE WORLD for fear I accidentally had some bit of racist banter permanently tattooed there. What's even worse is that I actually kinda like Paul's more talented brother, Jonathan, who presents FILM 2007. Anybody who likes comic books publically is all right with me. But Paul is like a shitty photocopy of Jonathan with all the interesting edges filed off. If ever you see any film poster with one of his quotes on, you know it is going to be utter shit.

I wanted to make this into a regular feature, but I really don't think there's going to be anybody who could even come close to being Satan's Movie Reviewer than Paul Ross. Even Satan himself would refuse to watch some of the shit Paul Ross wanks over like a chimp with a film degree.

Why Is John Travolta Such A Massive Cunt?

Hmmm. You ever pondered this? I have. It’s taken me a while but I think I have unravelled the mystery that so many before me have tried in vain to but to no avail. But, before I unleash Travolta’s spackery upon you, I shall get the boring fucking pleasantries out of the way and tell you the things that he’s done in the past which I admired.

Face/Off. The only decent Western John Woo film. Fact.
Saturday Night Fever. Don’t be fooled. It’s a mint film.
Grease. Don’t be fooled. I’m not a fudge-packer.
Get Shorty. Be Cool was fucking gash.
Carrie.
Pulp Fiction. Although let me reiterate that I now hate Quentin Tarantino just as much now as well.

There you go. I’m not a total cunt am I. Unlike John Travolta. Now, let us all together delve into the mass-cuntery of Captain John Travolta. Over.



1. Scientology

I shouldn’t really have to say too much about this really seeing that any human being with even an ounce of intelligence would agree that Scientology is, without a doubt, the stupidest fucking religion ever created in the entire fucking universe. Stupider than Christianity? Yep. Stupider than Buddhism? Fuckin’ A! Stupider than Islam? Er, no actually. Allah is a pretty decent guy just in case there are any fundamentalist mentalists reading. Which I highly fucking doubt, but if there are. Go Allah! I digress. Travolta, along with all the other slightly deranged, dead-eyed Hollywood oddballs believe that human beings are in fact just vessels with which to carry the spirits of aliens (from outer space no less) called Thetans. Riiiiight. I honestly believe that all Scientologists should be sectioned for even contemplating this to be true. I mean, if I was a highly advanced being from across the cosmos looking for a suitable host in which to carry my everlasting spirit, I certainly wouldn’t choose an irritating, overacting, has-been fat fuck of a serial wanker like Travolta. Know what I mean? JT and his fellow chunder-cunts also believe that psychology and anti-depressants are evil. Well, maybe he should have thought about that before he went and made..........

2. Battlefield Earth

3. He's a pilot.

Before you say anything, I don’t think pilots are cunts. Far from it. I entrust them with my life whenever they fly me somewhere. Cheers fellas. Also, being a pilot is a cool-assed job. When I was 14 I really wanted to become a fighter pilot much to my dad’s delight. Why? TOP GUN. Am I fighter pilot now? Am I fuck. Anyway, like I said, pilots are cool, John Travolta is a cunt. He’s such a fucking show-off that the twat-clanger even bought himself a Boeing 707-138. Prick. What the fuck does he need that for? He must have the worlds smallest cock. He even dresses up in the old pilots uniform whenever he flies the cunt. Who the fuck does he think he is? Maverick? Iceman? Cougar? Cuntbucket more like. Over.



4 Hairspray



Jesus fucking Christ. This picture should say more than words ever could. I’ve been having paralysis-inducing night terrors for weeks now and I’ve only seen the fucking trailer. Is there really any need for this? John Travolta in a fat suit? Yeah, like the bulbous cunt really needs one. Porky prick! Look at his big fuck-off hands. I seriously doubt even DasGeordie would fuck that. We are talking a bonfide 16 pinter here. Over.

5. Look Who’s Talking

Look who’s a serious cunt. Over.

6. He is about to play J.R in the big screen version of DALLAS

What a fantastic fucking idea. Fucking genius. It’s going to be helmed by the directing powerhouse that is.........Gurinder Chadha! She was the stunning talent behind such classics as BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM , BRIDE AND PREJUDICE and, erm, BHAJI ON THE BEACH. How can this Travolta/Chadha team-up possibly fail? Easy. It’s going to be FUCKING WANK! Who in their right mind greenlit this project? Probably the same retarded shit-spanner that greenlit THE DUKES OF HAZZARD. I used to love Dallas when I was a kid. It was ace. I seem to remember one of my very first wanks being over Victoria Principle. Not literally. Then there was the famous "Who Shot J.R?" storyline that had the whole world on the edge of their seats. All I ask is, if they really must insist on making a DALLAS movie, then please have the courtesy to shoot the cunt that plays J.R. For real. With a shotgun. Or maybe an uzi. THAT I would pay to see. Over.

7. Wild Hogs

I have made my thoughts on this film quite clear in the past but I must second that emotion. WILD HOGS is the type of film that only soon-to-be-on-their-arse cock-crunchers like Travolta will appear in. Tim fucking Allen is in it as well for fucks sake. And Martin cunting Lawrence. William H Macy gets off lightly here because I think he's the poodles doodles. Duller than whale shit mid-life crisis twaddle that literally makes me want to commit suicide just in case I decide to buy a Harley Davidson and wear a stupid fucking bandana. Get over it cock-knockers! The fact that WILD HOGS made a shit-load of cash in America means quite literally fuck all to me. No, that film was the beginning of the end for Captain Tub-O-Shit and DALLAS will only help in his eventual fall from grace. I reckon that in a year or two, JT's film career will be well and truly, well......over.

There you have it folks. John Travolta used to be cool but unfortunately he has since become the sort of preaching, tiresome, fat fucking arsehole that has, quite frankly, now made it impossible for me to watch PULP FICTION ever again without wanting to Fed Ex the entire Church of Scientology a massive, MASSIVE BOX OF AIDS RIDDLED CAT SHIT.

What a fucking cunt.

Why I'm Angry: The Pictorial Edition

An Exciting Announcement For Gamers!

That John Hannah is at it again. His modification to Stannah stair lifts that allowed the user to take a dump on their way up OR down the stairs has bombed thus keeping THE MUMMY thesp on the breadline. Until they make THE MUMMY 3 of course. However, you can't keep a good man down and today we can bring the exciting news that Mr Hannah has employed the talents of some of the best games designers and programmers from around the world to bring hardcore gamers THE JOHN HANNAH STANNAH CHALLENGE. As you can see from the screenshot below, this multi-levelled platformer will challenge even the most hardened of joystick twiddlers.



We have a press release from John Hannah himself.

Dear Mummy fans

I am pleased to announce the impending release of my new videogame THE JOHN HANNAH STANNAH CHALLENGE. I have brought together artists from ILM and coders from ROCKSTAR to give you, the gamer, the most immersive, intense, shit-collecting-tenner-borrowing gaming experience possible. I really am very proud of the achievments of all involved not least myself. As you are probably aware, HALO 3 is due out in September and that is some pretty stiff competition indeed but I have faith that THE MUMMY fans of the world will be queueing at midnight outside their local Virgin Megastore to get their hands on this baby when it's released on the same day as HALO 3. I'm THAT confident. Be warned though, this game uses a very advanced type of graphics engine known as THE SPECTRUMATOR so make sure your Xbox 360 or PS3 is up to the job. This fucker's frame rate is through the roof.

Happy gaming!

John soon-to-be-minted Hannah.

TRAILER REVIEW: Bratz

I know what you're thinking... "Bratz? He'll fucking DESPISE that, why is he reviewing the trailer?" To that I'll say, HAVE YOU READ THIS FUCKING SITE BEFORE? I actively seek out things I will hate and that will make me angry. I have been unfortunately exposed to the BRATZ animated series through my job and it makes me want to beat every girl under the age of 16 with paddles until all they want are hessian sacks and Big Macs. If I had kids, they would not be allowed to watch this utter shit and the fact they're making a live action film of it - No, HAVE ALREADY made a film of it - makes me grind my teeth even more than normal. I am well on the way to Quentin-Tarantino-in-FROM DUSK TILL DAWN-having-to-wear-a-mouthguard territory. Anyway, on with proceedings.

Even the fucking font irritates me. And where the fuck is this supposed to be set? "Ooh, that's Backlotsville, just past ImaginaryHighSchoolLand and before you reach NotBasedInReality Village." 'This Summer' is handy to know. It allows me time for weapons prep and urban combat training.

Look at these cunts. What the fuck are you so happy about? Bizarrely, I never used to play Which One Would You? with the cartoon. I could tell you in a heartbeat in which order I would fuck the girls from TOTALLY SPYZ, but BRATZ girls were so bizarrely asexual and... just fucking irritating that I couldn't bring to sexualise pre-teens. And that's not like me.

Oh my god, "BFFs!" Blindingly Fucking Fitties? Backdoor Fits Fine? Boobs Firmly Fitted? Oh, sorry girls, they're obviously Best Friends Forever. BOLLOCKS. These girls are going to realise that their best friend status comes into question as soon as they make higher education choices and find a man and get a job. They'll never speak to these girls again. Years from now, when Chloe is up to her neck in diapers, having had to give up on law school and her husband is out banging his secretary like James Spader, she'll reminisce about those stupid girls she hung out with in school.

The first chance to assess the relative merits of these RADA-trained actresses. So obviously WOULD, WOULDN'T, WOULD, WOULDN'T. The blondey looks like she has potential. The goth one is... Well, she's a bit goth, in't she? Fuck that! The next one looks like Joss Stone. Joss Stone being one of those unfortunate girls who you would fuck like a dog with two cocks right up until she opened her mouth. And the one on the end is the Generic Minority. She's fine and all that, but a bit plain. Also, girls, what did you think would happen when you left junior school? You'd go to Mystic Magic Land and play with unicorns? Of course you're going to high school, you fucknuts.

Yeah, no metal detectors, no litter, no graffiti - this is definitely Mystic Magic Land. If this was set in my high school, there'd be a bunch of kids sniffing glue, massive rain puddles, everything would be stolen and you'd shit your bricks just walking to class. (This is an actual lie, I went to a really nice school full of Tarquins. Cunts.)

This is the evil Prom Queen the girls will have to fight for the popularity of their class-mates. You can tell she's the evil Prom Queen because she's ever so slightly uglier than our heroines. And, I'm not spoiling it for you here, but I'm guessing she's going to get her come-uppance at some point and maybe even learn a valuable lesson of some kind. This girl will be MD of some company by 30 and grinding girls like the BRATZ into her heels as she clambers up the business ladder.

Wow, Blondey gets better with every frame! I'd bang that into next week. Also, note how the girls look like they're being played by their mums. Are there really no good teenage actresses that don't look like they have a pension scheme and a mortgage?

Here, evil Prom Queen explains the complicated arrangement for lunchtime. Who sits where, basically. I think she has this chart laminated. I bet she prefers to masturbate with a slide rule than a dildo. You can't see at this res, but it basically subdivides into cliques. You see, cliques are bad. People don't integrate, they hide in the corners. Cliques are status quo and the BRATZ are here to mix it up! Fuck off, girls, the nerds no more want to talk to the jocks than the jocks actually want to talk to the science geeks. FUCK OFF, GIRLS!

Has anybody actually ever seen nerds that looked like this? Even in their unco-ordination, they are co-ordinated. Not one of them looks like they'v got scabies and grows rats. Also, I counted at least two birds there, which is wrong on many levels.

Goths are great. They're the only group it's OK to hate because they hate themselves just as much! What are you going to say to them, "Your entire life sucks, dude!" "Yes, I know, my life is a shambles." "Er... Yeah! It is! Fuck..." I fucking hate goths. And for some reason, goth in this country has re-labelled itself Emo and now it's OK to be goth. When I were a lad you'd get bottled just for looking at black makeup. And rightly so. No, I did not grow up in Yorkshire in the 1940s.

Oh my god, how much does she look like Joss Stone? She's totally putting me off my stroke on Blondey. Even when I put my (left) hand over her face, I keep imagining her talking in some faux Devon/American accent. But just look at Blondey, even in a kids film she's still got porn face. I wonder how many dicks she had to suck to get to where she is today. I think I'll wonder about that for another few minutes actually...

Oh no! The plot is set! The girls refuse to adhere to the Rules of the Playground and now evil Prom Queen must show them the error of their ways whilst learning a valuable lesson. Do you even need to see the rest of the film? I mean, seriously, is there not a person with half a brain-cell who couldn't do a damn good job of writing a semi-plausible version of the rest of the story? Is this what you want your kids to watch? Bullshit about being friends and looking good and how everybody bonds if they just talk and... THAT'S NOT HIGH SCHOOL! Larry Clark's KIDS is what kids are really like. This bears no resemblance to what kids are actually like. Fuck, SOUTH PARK is more realistic than BRATZ and that has fucking aliens in it. So I couldn't be arsed to do scans of the rest of the trailer - this will have to do to sum it up for you.

Yeah, lots of montages of food fights and parties and cute boys and the girls falling out, only to bond again in time for the climactic finale which involves them >SHUDDER< putting on a song and dance routine for the inevitable single launch. I despise this kind of children's film. I'd rather the kids went to see fucking TRANSFORMERS, that has more to say to them than this dross.

CUNTZ, more like.

At what point did "Oh My God" become too long a sentence to say? There isn't a word in there with more than three letters. I fucking despise text talk. I send a lot of texts and still consider it a cardinal crime to abbreviate anything. That's just utter laziness. And when I get a text from one of my younger friends and it's full of "BRB" and other such optical AIDS, I wish I had a Young Person's Decoder Ring sometimes. Or some way of giving them a nut-kick down the phone.

I will most certainly not be seeing this film, even if I got free tickets and Blondey offered to blow me during the trailers. The only way I would ever see this film is if I was captured behind enemy lines and Al Qaeda had it on a perpetual loop to torture inmates. And even then, I'd probably claw my eyes out first. I'd rather have fatal syphilis than see this film.