The In-The-Closet-Hobbits: Chapter One

Two Angry Men Fucking Horses

I would just like to say, YOU ARE ALL DEVIANTS. Seriously, every single one of you out there in Interwebland is a fucking wrong un and no mistake. You're sick in the head and need to be put down. I bet you are all reading this while being sucked off by a quadriplegic AIDS-ridden fourteen-year-old African boy, aren't you? Whilst raping a cat with a tazer. The only person in the entire history of interweb usage who has never ever looked at porn is my mum. I now know this for a fact.

To demonstrate my point, here is a list of EVERY search engine referral we have registered in the last 100 posts alone. If we weren't so tight as to pay for Sitemeter, I could show you DIRTY SEX PEOPLE the kind of filth we get on a daily basis.

• watch big cocks fuck the shit out of women rough
  
• two men fucking a women at the same time
  
• pic of big bellied men
  
• a women and two men fucking
  
• two men force girl to fuck
  
• two men fucking so young girl

I realise now that having the word "Two men" in our title was a mistake. It could only have been worse if we'd called ourselves "Two Angry Cunts" (And on a side-note, I've seen FAR more than two angry cunts in my time). I realise that all the swearing is possibly just encouraging you sick perverted weirdos. What I didn't realise was the sheer volume of people looking for cockney porn - "Two men farking each other" - or that we would be so popular in this scene. In fact, for all of those searches above, we're at least on the first page.



And so I am resigned to my fate. We are going to be read only be fucking interspazz wank jockeys who need a quick five minute relief over a picture of Owen Wilson with a cock nose. So, I reckon, why not capitalise on this market? Everybody knows porn runs the world. Why not get a bit of the tall porn dollar? And in order to boost our hits on as many search engines as possible, I will now make a list of key-words I think you ONE-HANDED MAN-MAYONNAISE MONKEYS will be looking for.

• two men fucking a horse
  
• a horse fucking two men whilst being sucked off by a cockney
  
• a cockney sucking off two horses while two men watch
  
• Owen Wilson sucking off a cockney horse
  
• Ski Sunday
  
• young cockney girls petting otters
  
• cockney otters rucking two young girls
  
• men riding horses with otters
  
• horses riding men
  
• two women munching horse jizz
  
• two otters sucking off cockneys
  
• scousers touching otters without consent
  
• a horse being rode by Owen Wilson
  
• John Hannah sucking off Owen Wilson for a tenner
  
• Owen Wilson forcing two scousers to suck off a cockney
  
• Owen Wilson forcing me to watch Wedding Crashers
  
• John Cleese choking on otter cum
  
• two men riding John Cleese into battle like that white horse out of lord of the rings
  
• two otters riding another otter, but in a dirty way, like
  
• two young girls taking it up the gary
  
• two young girls being done for fun up the bum
  
• two young girls doing normal things like playing with their hair and dress-up and that and not doing anything dirty
  
• a man just fucking a woman
  
• two men farkin a pony
  
• a pony farkin two men whilst John Cleese watches
  
• a fat man farkin another fat man
  
• a reeeeeally fat man sucking off Owen Wilson on the set of Wedding Crashers 2
  
• Wedding Crashers 2

And finally...

• sex fuck arse tits cum jizz spunk fanny clunge dick cock minge shag pussy labia.

Right, that should about cover it. We'll be on 20,000 hits this time tomorrow, I'm CERTAIN of it.

Two Angry Men Casting Couch: Justice League #2

Green Lantern - like a jedi, but with a gay-ass ring on and an even more camp lime green body-costume. There have been many Green Lanterns - Alan Scott, Hal Jordan, Jon Stewart, Guy Gardner, Simon, Garfunkel, Hall, Oates and Kyle Raynor. The most popular being the UTTERLY shit-house Hal Jordan, a pilot who flies planes and killed a lot of people one time by accident. They fly around the galaxy sorting out problems and answering to funny little blue men in dresses. SHIIIIIT-house. He only justifies his place in the Justice League a little more than Aquaman because he is armed with the most powerful weapon in the universe. And they made it into a ring? Couldn't they make it into a manly-looking belt or even a lovely man-bag? A RING, THOUGH?

Anyway, who better to play Green Lantern than Ralf Little, star of THE ROYLE FAMILY and TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A PACKET OF CRISPS, PLEASE? For those of you reading in America, just imagine I (very poorly) photoshopped a picture of that cunt Topher Grace instead. Ralf Little has all the gravitas that you would need to bring to the role of a intergalactic police-officer with amazing powers. I mean, if they'd let that cunt Hayden Christensen play one, they'll let any fucker play one!

Anyway, Green Lantern's role in any Justice League film will be largely to stand in the background and find a personality. He will never find this personality as his personality solely consists of being an intergalactic policeman with a power ring... Shit, sorry, that's his origin, not his personality. BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE. In fact, I'd be shocked if they even included him, so shit is the character. Did you know they wanted to make a movie based on him and they only way they could do that was to play it as a comedy and get Jack Black in. So what better way to do Jack Black on the cheap than get some crap "comedy" actor from some UTTERLY TERRIBLE UK comedy show. He can take the piss out of everybody - and when your team consists of people like Aquaman and >snigger< Martian Manhunter, you've got plenty of opportunity.

Mr Miyagi Tell Tale Of Spirit World Movie Party

Bonsai! Hey friend, it’s me Mr Miyagi again. The two ninja sans that run Two Angwy Men asked me to tell more tale from beyond grave. Mr Miyagi very proud to be able to tell you many fan what it like to be dead. After telling very looooong tale about Karate Kid, I wonder what things to enlighten fans with. I come up with a verrrrrrry funny story about dinner party I had just other week with maaaaaany dead famous people here in spirit world. Prepare many fans for tale of wonder.

Miyagi turn up at also dead man River Pheonix house at awound 8pm. River sans open heavenly door and look like he try catch wwwwwwway too many flie with chopstick. He arseholed. Goofballs Miyagi thinks. I enter to find other dead actor John Candy eating many a large hamburger in a puddle of own shit. At this point, Miyagi find spirit world celebrity house party many levels of wank until knock at door. In come Freddy Mercury. Miyagi wonder what massive crunchie muncher do at movie party but River Pheonix tell me he do soundtrack to gay 80’s Flash Gordon. Wax on! Next, Miyagi sitting down drinking his tea when Christopher Reeve turn up. Miyagi verrrrrrrry excited about this until Reeve sans turn up in fucking wheelchair.

“Reeve san! Where fucking cape and shorts? You fly why not? I enjoy Supersan 4 verrrrry much. You not make happy Mr Miyagi with cripple stuff. WAX OFF!”

After Miyagi say this Reeve san cry like little bitch and say he wish Margot Kidder was here in spirit world to cry on little mad womans shoulder.

“No worry Supersan! Margot be here in short time. She fucking suicidal cwazy bitch long time!”

I think that finish Supersan off. He spit out straw from mouth and wheelchair stop. Miyagi laugh. Ha ha ha! Silly white man thinking he could ride horse let alone fly. Miyagi burn Supersan boxset after.

Later, River sans ply Miyagi with maaaaaany goofballs and Um-Bongo and before I know it, I am in brothel with Chris Farley san, Don Simpson san, Fatty Padeophile Arbuckle san, Charlie Paedophile Chaplin san, Steve McQueen san, John Belushi san, Ted Bundy san, Jeffrey Dahmer san, John Gay Wayne san, Bruce Lee and Bruce Lee's son san, Brandon. Brandon verrrrrrry stupid man and get killed acting in Alex Proyas film. What fuck????????

Needless to say, 14 hours later, Miyagi wish he were in hell let alone spirit world. All movie man up here total shithead. Miyagi have head like storm and arsehole like Courtney Love. Me not sure when I can report back from spirit world again. Not long time me hope.

BONSAI!

Two Angry Men Casting Couch: Justice League

AQUAMAN
Arthur Curry, half human, half fishman, all shit. His amazing abilities include being able to swim, but reeeeeelly fast. He can also talk to fish. "Hello my fishy brethren, I am seeking the hidden lair of Black Manta. Can you help me?" "Swim, shit, swim, shit, eeek! Human! Human! Swim away! (Shit!) Swim away!" "Come back! Come back, you fucking useless animal!" He is also King of the underwater city of Atlantis - a city so shit we let it sink into the ocean. And who else could play such a legendary character than...

Yes, Ross Kemp! Star of EASTENDERS, EXTRAS and the televisual epic that is ULTIMATE FORCE. I have the box-set. Every series. Seriously. If you're American and don't know who Ross Kemp is, he's the alleged hardman that is scared shitless of Vinnie Jones in the first series of EXTRAS. Also better known for being faux hardman PhilGrant Mitchell in long-running depress-a-thon soap-suicide-pra EASTENDERS. As one of UK TV's most well-known crap scary thugs, he obviously would be excellent to play little-known crap scary superhero Aquaman.

As well as carrying on the tradition that Jason LEGEND Statham and Vinnie CUNT Jones started off of English faux-gangsters playing shitty second-rate roles to crap American actors, Ross could also bring a certain amount of gravitas to the role of a king. As The Guv'nor of The Queen Vic pub, he has experience of keeping a rowdy bunch of perma-drinkers. Plus, if anyone could stand up to Batman, it's faaarkin' Ross Kemp! "Oi, Batman! NOOOO! You might think you're the fucking daddy of loomin' on gargoyles and talking like farkin' Pat Butcher, but the farkin' seven seas are my manor, mush!" And if Jessica Biel turns down the Wonder Woman role, then they could always ask Barbara Windsor.

TOMORROW - GREEN LANTERN!

BREAKING NEWS! Mystic Pizza Arrested

Farrrrrrrrrrkin 'ell mush. That's me, your old mucker Mystic in that mugshot. Banged up like some fackin' criminal or sumfin'. Wot for? Well, I had just spent the afternoon lookin' waaaaaaaay in to the farkin' future to review SPIDER-MAN 4 and it made me so fackin' agro that I went dahnstairs and gave the missus a good fackin' slap abaht. Nuffin' unusual there you might say. Anyway, I goes dahn me local after to get fackin' shit faced with me pals like and the fackin' fuzz turn up arahnd closin' time and put me in farrrrrkin' 'andcuffs. Apparently, my beloved grassed me right up. Domestic fackin' abuse she calls it. FARRRRRRK ORF! I get shoved in the old meat wagon and formally charged. Fack me mush. Wot's the big farkin' deal? I give Barbara a pasting every fackin' night and she's never pissed and moaned before. Fackin' women eh. Can't live wiv 'em, can't kick the shit aht of 'em. I tried to explain to the rozzers that I'm a highly respected reviewer of films on this site so they logged on to check me story and guess wot? The cahnts charge me wiv breachin' the obscene publications act an' 'all. I'm fackin' fuming mush I tells ya. I'm gonna be put in front of some paedo judge in the mornin' and I tell you anover thing, when I get 'aht, Barbara is gonna get the kicking of a fackin' lifetime. GRASS CAHNT!

Kazzam!

AIN'T IT PATRICIA NEWS!!!!

OMGZZZZOOOOOR! It's me, Patricia Jones, muchly wife of Harry Knowles! Yes, Harry Knowles who run heap-um big website, Ain't It Sweet News!!! Can you BELIEVES IT? I "knowles" I can't!!!!11 Well, after we marry long time, I tell my concubine, Harry Bear, that I want more input in suuuuuper-big website. He tell me woman's place in kitchen or bedroom. I not understand why I need be in bedroom as Harry's cock was eated by belly like Sarlacc pit-monster many moons ago. He make me look for his diddly-widdly once and I lose my grandfather's watch in the folds. It never appear again.

So I go to second best option - Two Bitter Old Men!!!! My girlfriends tell me this much big website and I love it long time! I read it and not entirely sure what it all means. What is "cunt"????? I ask Harry friends and they snicker. They smell like BO and TV dinners and sweat meat paste from their five-heads. They never know sweet 10 dollah love that me and Harry Bushka know. They never know TRUE LOVE like ours... Unless they can raise USD$10,000 and provide air-fare from Taiwan.

And now, whenever I have newz of film or something which I love you long time to see, I will be posting here on Two Depressed Men!!!!1111 They promised not to make fun of my poor Engrish skills and me very sure as I have read their posts. Everyone know "fucking" not spelt with an "a", you crazy lady men! I shoot you with ping-pong balls from my noo-noo if you do make fun of me! I am lethal. Men of Ho-Sing-Po-Na-Na-Fu-Wang-Chan Social Workers Club in Thai province of SuSuSuddio say I most lethal at art of ping-pong-fanny-gone. Ancient artform, like topiary or beat-boxing.

Anywayz, I bring you exciting news of SEX AND A CITY film!!!!11 Me and my girlfriends from the All Over Tanning And Massage Parlour love this film MUCH LONG TIME! We see every episode twice and memorise all best lines for use on clients. One time, one of the clients tried to show me his doodle and I screamed like girly-boy! He explained it fine to show doodle in this country, it is welcoming. He says instead of shaking hands, you shake doodle. I shook his doodle for ten minutes, so I must be very welcome! Back to point, silly lady-man! Anyway, SEX OF CITY film look very good! I cannot wait for it to come out and we can go watch it and sit in fancy bar and sip cocktails. Here in America, they even have bars where lady not shoot ping-pong ball from noo-noo!!! Can you believe it??? It's so true, I get thrown out of bar last weekend for trying to insert Bombay Mix into my lady tunnel!

Harry, he no likey SEX IN THE CITY film and think it poor poor custard. He not know anything, too busy rubbing his big belly and thinking bout touching Michael Bay on his doodle. He cry out his name in sleep. "Michael Bay, you make me feel like a natural woman!" he say. I know not what he talk about. I go see film with girlyfriends and report back here on Angry To Be Men website. I hope you come back for more reports!

Love you long time!!!!!

xxxx

Film Classification Warnings I Would Prefer To See

SUPERMAN RETURNS (2006)

DEATHPROOF Review: Ten Things I Hate About Quentin

So, I saw a completely legitimate and not even slightly illegal copy of DEATHPROOF last night. Crabman has already briefly mentioned how shit GRINDHOUSE was and wanted a second opinion on the theatrical release of Tarantino's half. Sometimes I disagree with him just because I'm a mardy cunt so he was a little concerned I'd like it. However, he couldn't be more wrong. If anything, I actually hate it MORE than he does.

1. Feet fetishes are weird - Look, Quentin, I can get behind people like Russ Meyer. Any man who doesn't like massive tits appearing in his films is a fucking weirdo. But obsessing over women's feet is just FUCKING WEIRD. They are ugly as sin. They look like mong hands. Even painted, they're ugly. And I bet they smell too. So, STOP FUCKING MAKING US LOOK AT FEET!
   
   
2. It's way too long - Most people thought it was too long and dull when it was only half a film, so now it's nearly half an hour longer and on it's own... Well, it's WWWWWWWWay too fucking long. And the amazing part about it all is that there is literally no plot here. A canny editor - either at the pre or post production stage - could cut this film down to 20 minutes long. There is literally that much actual material. So you're wondering what the remaining run-time is filled with. Well...
   
   
   
3. Fucking cameo-tastic cunt - Not only does Tarantino insist on appearing in this film as a cool barman in the coolest bar in the whole world... but he gives fucking Eli Roth a cameo too. WHAT A CUNT. In fact, Roth's role could be summed up as "cunt". He probably thought it was really funny that he was playing a cunt, which is some kind of double-double-double-irony squared. Because he really is a cunt. And can't act at all. I have no problem with Hitchcock-esque brief glimpses. Peter Jackson has got it down to a fine art. But when you start getting to M Night Shyamalan levels of self-insertion, well, just FUCK OFF.
   
   
4. The scratched film - Now, I wouldn't really have a problem with this normally. I don't mind creators filming in black and white nowadays. I loved THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE and GOOD NIGHT & GOOD LUCK. They looked good. So I have no problem with deliberately evoking a style from the past. And it looks very convincing during the first half. Admittedly, it's a bit disconcerting from time to time, but it works to make the film look old. Then, randomly, he just stops doing it halfway through. Did he get bored? Too lazy? Run out of money? I can't think of any stylistic reason why he would do it. Likewise, there's a pointless ten minute scene in the middle of the film that's black and white for no reason. Seriously, what the fuck?
   
   
5. Girl talk - Oh my god, I could write 10,000 words on this very easily. I could write an entire blog just based on some of the conversation pieces Tarantino wrote into this film. What's more likely is I will scrawl it in the blood of dead prostitutes across my bedroom wall shortly before I'm thrown into Arkham Asylum. Because, OH MY GOD, is it pointless. I'm not the kind of person who just wants to cut to the killing and car chases - I've loved some of Tarantino's dialogue in the past. But this is so masturbatory, it's not even funny. Not only that, 90% of it has ABSOLUTELY NO RELEVANCE to the plot whatsoever. It's not even giving you an insight into the characters, it's just Tarantino showing how cool and clever he is. There is a full 45 cunting minutes of girl talk before Kurt Russell even turns up. It's a fucking exploitation slasher film, you UTTER utter cunt!
   
   
6. Zoe Bell is totally out of place - Aside from the fact it's so fucking - and oh god, I'm going to say the word again - masturbatory to include his stuntwoman as... a stuntwoman in his film, she is VERY wrong here. I'm sure her understated, naturalistic style of acting would work with a more documentarian style, but in this world of ultra-stylised acting and dialogue, she feels wrong. She feels like she's walked into the wrong film. Actually, I'm being nice to her, her acting is a bit shit. All this talk of, "Ooh, she's a potential action movie star of the future" is utter wank. She is a stuntwoman and a very good one. That is all. Cunts.
   
   
7. Women are best, men suck balls - The only guys who appear in this film are either (a) Tarantino himself (b) Utter misogynist cunts or (c) A fucking weird shop clerk sequence. I mean, seriously, why doesn't Tarantino follow "Lana" Wachowski into ladyboy's-ville? It was fun and quirky when he played on women protagonists in JACKIE BROWN, was a little obvious in KILL BILL and now it's just fucking tedious. I'm going to spoil the second half of the film now - IT WAS SHIT. OK, that's not a spoiler. What actually happens halfway through is the hunter becomes the hunted. And it is the least convincing plot twist I have ever seen. The hard-as-nails, psychopathic serial killing stuntman gets a minor flesh wound and becomes a whining, sissy who runs away and is scared shitless of a bunch of whiny bitches. Likewise, the bunch of fashion model-looking bitches suddenly turn into death-hungry killers who don't mind beating a man to death in the street. If somebody had actually read this script before shooting, they might have been able to point out how FUCKING STUPID it was.
   
   
   
   
8. Totally pointless scenes - Seriously, there are literally a dozen scenes in this film which I retrospectively realised served NO purpose at all. When you're watching them, you think, "Right, there must be some reason why we get these loving close-ups of a girl sending a text message." But OH NO, they have literally no point at all. You never even meet the cunt who she's texting. And that's not even the worst offender. Pretty much any scene with girls chatting is pointless. UTTERLY pointless. But the entire film is RIDDLED with scenes that go nowhere and prove only to pad out the running time. The worst offender is the scene in the middle where the Sheriff turns up, explains he knows what Stuntman Mike is up to and then says he's going to do fuck-all about it. WHAT? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? Are we going to have the cleaner wander on and tell us he's not interested in catching him either? I know it's just so Tarantino can do That Cameo again, but it's still pointless. And then the stuff that really should get followed-up never even see a mention.
   
   
9. The ending - The only reason I don't hate the ending of this film is because it meant the film was FINALLY FUCKING OVER. But seriously, when "The End" comes up on-screen, if you aren't utterly fucking surprised I will eat my fucking hat. In fact, I'm tempted to ask my mate who works at a cinema to take a picture of the audience's faces at the exact second "The End" appears on screen. I imagine it will be very similar to that website featuring photos of people the first time they see Goatse...
   
   
10. The car bits aren't even that good - Seriously. There's not really any car bits until the very end. And they basically entail two cars driving down a road nudging each other. And then nudging a bit more. And also, all the characters in these films drive stupidly fashionable cars. Nobody has a Vauxhall Nova. But the most exciting part of the whole thing is Zoe Bell hanging onto a car bonnet whilst being attacked by Stuntman Mike. And after ten minutes of her swinging around and shrieking, you kinda get bored. And whilst I kinda agree with the character's (And obviously Tarantino's) views that practical stuntwork will always be better than CG, there is a middle-ground. The big rig chase along a bridge in BAD BOYS II is a perfect example of merging CG and practical. So fuck off, you outmoded cunt.

That is only the first ten things that came to my mind when typing. I could probably write you another ten quite easily. You might notice I don't mention Kurt Russell that much, because he's the only thing of worth in the first half of the film. Kurt Russell is a legend. That goes to shit in the second half however. You might also notice that there's not actually that much humour in this post. That's because I was SO fucking furious about how shit this film was that I can't even laugh about it. Do not, on pain of death, pay good money to go see this bag of shit. And if you have seen it and enjoyed it, I would really like to hear from you. After you convince your warden to give you some paper and crayons and loosen your straps.

My Top Five Comedy Films

1. PHILADELPHIA
   
   Very funny film. In this film, Jack Black plays a man who gets the bad AIDS. Denzel Washington really steps outside of his zone of comfort and plays his over-the-top effeminate life partner. And they live in Philadelphia. The bit where Jack Black accidentally spits in his mum's tea and then has to get it back before she catches the AIDS from it is a work of comedy genius. I'm not sure there was really a strong message about the dangers of unprotected sex or dirty needles, because I was laughing so hard throughout. And I, being someone who would put my cock in the crack of dawn given half a chance, should really have been paying more attention to the inner message. That debiliatating fatal illness can be funny too. Come on, cheer up, you miserable cunts!
   
   
   
2. SCHINDLER'S LIST
   Apparently Oscar Schindler has a list. And let me tell you, that list is FUNNY AS FUCK. I mean, have you heard some of those crazy jewish names? I personally thought a film that featured a man reading a list of names for two hours and then there was half an hour of gassings wouldn't be funny, but I was VERY wrong. The shower sequence was not only funny, but had the most amount of killings I've ever seen on screen. More than RAMBO? More than TERMINATOR? More than BEACHES? It is CHOCK-FULL of killings. The script was a bit far-fetched though. I mean, what, some mentalist decides to gas a load of people because they like skull caps? As if!
   
   
   
3. RAY
   I thought the he-can't-see-very-well comedy vein topped out with the hilarious Lesley Nielsen starrer MR MAGOO, but I was very wrong! This Jamie Foxxxxxx starring blind-as-a-fucking-bat humour-fest was hilarious from start to finish. Not only was it funny because he couldn't see a fucking thing, but he's black as well. You see, because Black People Are Inherently Imbued With Comedy. The Benny Hill-esque sex caper that ensues had me in stitches. I particularly loved the montage of "I'm so sorry, darling, I'm blind and didn't mean to put it up your shitter". How many times did that poor man accidentally kick in some woman's back-door? Oh, the humour. Not so sure about the bit with the kid drowning in a bucket. Not very funny, that.
   
   
   
4. RAIN MAN
   
   Oh my god, soooooo funny. That crazy loon talked more shit than Jim Carrey in ACE VENTURA, ACE VENTURA:WHEN NATURE CALLS, DUMB & DUMBER and I'M A MASSIVE CUNT. This guy looks like it almost comes naturally, but I know he just must be a mintos actor. I was a bit confused as to how Chris Tucker could be Tom Cruise's brother, but I just went with the comedy of it. I also love all the catchphrases they created and repeat them all the time. Sometimes people look at me a bit funny, but I tell them to watch this film and they'll understand. They never get back to me so I can assume they died laughing.
   
   
   
5. SCARY MOVIE 4
   Actually, this wasn't that funny. It was just a bit cunty. Sorry.

Why Is Owen Wilson Such A Massive Cunt?

Wondered this recently? Well, I fucking have. In fact, that question keeps me up most nights and just so I can sleep tonight I’m going to cathartically list the reasons why I think Owen Wilson is such a massive cunt. Interested? Come on peeps, let’s out this fucker for the massive cunt that he is.

Shanghai Fucking Noon

I mean, really. What the fuck was all that about? I’d love to meet the studio executive that greenlit that piece of shit. What on earth made anybody think that what the moviegoing public really needed was a staggeringly unfunny comedy/western movie pairing Jackie Too Old For This shit Chan and our cunt Wilson. For starters, How the fuck did a Chinese martial artist end up looking for a kidnapped princess in the wild west? How fucking stupid is that? And, I’m sorry, but you could be Bruce fucking Lee for all I care but it only takes one bullet to the head and you're fucked. A bit like that fancy swordsman in RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. Wank. And then we have Owen I Will Appear In Literally Any Old Wank If The Pay Is Right Wilson. Acting like a cunt. For a change. I was led to believe that SHANGHAI NOON was an action/comedy/western. It isn’t. It is a FUCKING/PILE/OF/SHIT. If that film wasn’t bad enough, the cunts went and made a sequel, SHANGHAI KNIGHTS, of which I have not seen because, frankly, life is just too fucking short. Anybody reading this who actually enjoyed either of those two films please feel free to do the following...

Attempt Suicide

Actually, don’t attempt it. Blow your fucking brains out, you morons. Which brings me nicely to Mr Wilson’s recent suicide bid. Now, before you start, I truly feel for anyone that decides that they can’t go on with life anymore whether that be due to severe depression, loss of a loved one or just that they’re completely fucking mental. However, I couldn’t give a flying rats cunt about a multi millionaire playboy Hollywood actor who decided that life was just too unfair and he couldn’t go on because... of a fucking bird. That’s right, Owen Wilson tried to take his life over Kate Bland-As-Fuck Hudson. I can’t for the life of me think why. She hasn’t even got any fucking tits for a start. “Oh boo hoo, Kate dumped me and I can’t cope anymore. Life is shit. Boo hoo hoo. And Steve Coogan's coming round in a bit. WAAAAHHHHHHHH! And....and, I get paid $20 million a *sniff* film and my mansion is *sniff* fucking enormous. I want to FUCKING DIE!” Funny that, Owen, I want you to fucking die as well and I’m pretty sure that Kate Hudson deffo won’t want you back now you SNIVELLING, UNGRATEFUL, TWAT CLANGER! Get a fucking grip.

His Nose Looks Like A Bellend

Look at it! It’s fucking hideous. Now, I’m well aware that the shape of one's nose does not necessarily make them a cunt but JUST LOOK AT IT! He’s fucking minted, why doesn’t he get that fucking abomination fixed. I also don’t understand why he’s such a heart-throb either. I’m pretty sure that if I had a nose that looked like a massive cock, all the money in the world wouldn’t get me laid so how the fuck does he manage it? “He’s’ reeeaaallly funny and charismatic" No. He. Isn’t. STUPID SUICIDAL COCK NOSE CUNT!



The Wedding Crashers

I should have made this a double post to include Vince Annoying Nasally Voiced Cunt Vaughn as well. Again, I was under the impression that THE WEDDING CRASHERS was a comedy. I counted two chuckles which is not indicative of a “comedy”. I laughed more times during LEAVING LAS VEGAS for fucks sake. It’s just another one of those shitty frat-pack films that was nothing more than an outlet for Owen and Vaughn to give each other reach-arounds onscreen “How fucking funny are we man?” Erm, about as funny as Hurricane Katrina, lads. They make me want to puke, the intolerably smug rim-jimmys.

He Has The Acting Range Of A Fucking Aubergine

Owen Wilson plays the same fucking character in every film. Owen Wilson. If there is ever a need for a slightly oddball, stoner wise-arse with a nose that looks like a cock you can be sure that he will get the part. He has become tedious to the extreme and I want him to STOP. I would like to see him stretch his acting abilities by taking the lead in something like SCHINDLERS LIST. Can you imagine? No, I can’t either.

“Woah dude! The Holocaust is, like, heavy man.”

Fucking dreadful. How many more scripts exist that call for annoyingly laid back arseholes like Wilson. Fucking shitloads probably which makes me want to attempt, nay, succeed at suicide. So, Owen, if you’re reading this please either:

a) Stop acting
b) Get a nose job or
c) Blow your fucking brains out.

Mr Miyagi Tells Tale From Beyond Grave

Bonsai! Hey friend, it’s me, Mr Miyagi. Remember me? Sure you do. Let’s talk why not. As you probably know, I’m dead, but I speak good English from beyond grave to tell you tale. You see friend, when I make THE KARATE KID back in crazy 80’s, I leave out maaaaaany important lessons on how to become one with karate. My young apprentice, Daniel san, not only wash car and paint fence, he did maaaaannny other things in order to become ultimate fighter, things that we could not show in family film but I return from grave to tell tale. Wax on!

"This is Daniel san standing on street selling Big Issue. He piss and whinge when I tell him to stand in centre of Glasgow for 14 hours selling mag. He say what the fuck got to do with becoming great warrior. I say it verrrrrry dangerous in Scotland but make him strong like ox and he believe me. Ha ha ha! Wax off!"



"This is Daniel san collecting shit from elephant bum at local zoo. He there all week collecting shit in bag. He moan a lot and say that I take piss out of him but I say NO, DANIEL SAN! Collect shit from elephant bum to find inner peace and become harder than Bruce Lee. Zoo pay him fuck all for collecting shit all day. Daniel san starting to mistrust Mr Miyagi that week"



"This is Daniel san at BT call center. He not love this long time. He say everyone shithead and hours verrrrrrry long. Also, boss is complete wanker. I say to Daniel san that ten weeks there and he will be wise enough to defeat Cobra Kai Sensei. He not believe me and say that I am ripping piss out of him and that he doesn't see any wages from call center. I say that money make you weak and black of heart. He believe me and I spend money on more bonsai. Ha ha ha! Brush up!



"This is Daniel san working at colonic irrigation clinic. You can see he not at all happy in this photo as he had just worked a 13 hour shift blowing shit out of peoples bums with hose. He say after shift why all the shit jobs. Literally. He say he can't cope anymore and that he having suicidal thoughts. Life not worth living. He whiny cunt. I tell him that by cleansing people's bums he will cleanse his soul and have the courage to conquer any foe that cross his path. He believe me and I laugh hard. Ha ha ha. He get paid well for bum cleaning but I give him fuck all. In fact, Miyagi get him to suck shit out of own bum as well. Black bean bubbly style. Brush down!"



For Daniel san's last week of training I have him sell his little white arse on streets of Amsterdam for $5 a pop. He had enough by now and tell me to go fuck my mum. I say, DANIEL SAN! FOCUS! Learn many things from red light district you will. He keep argueing and telling me to fuck my mum. I insist by telling him that one week sucking off drug addicts and getting bum love off other men will make him able to catch flies with chopsticks. Lucky cunt did as well. Anyway, Miyagi needs to go back to the spirit world now but I hope you love this tale long time. I'm still laughing hard myself friend. Stupid skinny white boy. Ha ha ha ha!

BONSAI!

LOLMATTS: The Latest Craze!!!!111

With the success of the stupidly gay Lolcats phenomenon, another Hollywood celebrity has decided to engage in his own particular brand of viral marketing. You see, his career is a bit skew-whiff at the moment and he's a bit desperate for any kind of attention. (Shut up, John Hannah! We'll get to you eventually). After the success of David "Will wank off goats for kit-kats" Hasselhoff's viral marketing campaign, another fat has-been has decided to cash in. Yes, welcome to Matt LeBlanc's LOLMATTS.



Go on, Matt! You can do it! We might all forget how much of a cunt you are!



Oh dear, didn't do too well there, did you, Matt? We might forget about this if...



Never mind, Matt. You were quite funny once. In that episode with the thing where you said something funny.



No, you were right all along. This is never going to work. Just go back to making shit TV programmes and opening shopping centres.

Reader Submission

"While taking a well earned trip with the folks to glitzy Los Angeles this week, I noticed that the famous Hollywood sign has been changed and thought you might like a picture of it. Now, I'm from the good ole' state of Texas and I have to say I've never even heard of this Brett Ratner fella but he certainly seems unpopular around these here parts. Excuse the quality but I have a shit camera. If you use the photo, please credit me as Ray Cistbiggot. Yeee haaw!"

Thanks Ray. Any other readers that come across simliar Brett Ratner sign changing anomolies please feel free to email them in.

DasGeordie Simpsonized

Crabman was slightly disgusted by the results of his Simpsonize Me picture. What I didn't want to tell him at the time (And because he's incommunicado tonight) was that it was actually ENTIRELY FACTUALLY ACCURATE. If there was a button on the Simpsonizer to add a "Mr Fat Cunt" t-shirt, it would be uncanny. So I thought I'd rub salt in his wounds just a little bit more by showing you my Simpsonized appearance.


I thought I'd produce some kind of chiselled supermodel adonis as I imagine I look like in real-life, but... Well... That guy looks like a bit of a cunt. Look at that stupid swoosh try-hard hair-cut. Look at his bumfluff masquerading as designer fluff that actually took him three weeks to grow. Look at his pencil thin figure with less fat on it than a butcher's pencil. If there was an "Add designer wanky clothing that costs too much" option on the Simpsonizer, I'm sure this cunt would cranked it up to 11.

I hope this has given you all a valuable insight into the interesting interplay between our two relative personalities that creates the unique Two Angry Men experience. Basically, Crabman is an old cunt and I'm a young cunt.

An Inspirational Movie Poster

I did this all by myself. And the amazing thing is, I did it in fucking Windows Paint. Yes, I am a dab hand at clicking the button several times on tiny little pixels and cursing like a Polish sailor every three seconds. Was it worth the effort? I don't think so. But sometimes you have ideas you need to get out there into memespace to get your headmeat stirring. Or something.

I would have got Crabman to knock this up in 30 seconds with his amazing Photoshop skills but he's busy tonight. I promised I wouldn't say where he was. I really did. Despite his wife BEGGING me to tell you. But I can't. It would be a betrayal of our sacred bond of angriness.
However, if you're really interested, the big bender has gone to an Erasure concert. He's even going to an after-gig party in the hope of meeting Andy Bell. And when I say "meeting", I actually mean "rimming". And when I say "Andy Bell", I mean "Andy Bell's throbbing love-truncheon."

Mystic Review Pizza: THE SEVENTH SEAL

D’ya know wot it is right. I woke up this glory with a fackin smasher of an ‘angover and got a dog and bone call off DossCunt and Crapminge or whatever the fack they call themselves these days, and they asked me if I would go dahn me local flicks like and review THE SEVENTH SEAL for ‘em. “Fack orf!” I said “you know me, I only review films that aint even been farkin’ made yet being the future seeing cahnt I am”. Apparently, those two melt pricks were too busy to go see it themselves coz they were workin’ on a post. Sumfin' abaht socks that mop up yer spunk like. I wasn’t really in the farrrrkin’ mood to argue with the wankers so I agreed. So, after giving the missus a good fackin’ pasting, I set off dahn me local fleapit to watch this pile of shit. I had no fackin’ idea wot it was abaht or anyfing.



I bought a fackin’ ticket and sat dahn in me seat like. Nah, the first thing I’ll say is that the cinema woz full of wot people dahn my end of Lahndan call “facking posh wanky faarrrrrkin student cahnts”. All sittin’ there sippin’ their fackin water talking abaht posh shit like “I read this book the other day” blah, blah farrrrrrkin blah. I fackin’ ‘ate students I do. Utter melt cahnts. Anyway, the fackin film. Nah, before I go on wiv my farkin’ review, the two whingy cahnts that run this shit site said that this would be a brand spankin’ remastered print. “It will look sweet Mystic mate” they said. Well.......

IT’S IN BLACK AND FARRRRKIN WHITE YOU FACKIN’ LYING NONCE CAHNTS!

Straight up. No word of a lie. Shit fackin' sahnd an' all. This fackin THE SEVENTH SEAL was proper fackin’ old mush. Those two kiddy fiddlin’ Newcastle supporting northern monkeys actually got your old mucker Mystic to pay good fackin’ money to go see a 500 year old film. To be honest, I don’t even know where to start on just how un-farrrrrrrkin-believably shit that film was. From what I could make ‘aht, this fackin’ old cahnt, played by Max Von Shithouse, sits on a fackin’ beach playing chess with an even older slaphead shit-stabber. FOR 2 FARRRRRRKIN’ HOURS. Wot in facks name is all that abaht mush? I mean, no explosions, no fackin’ car chases, no tit or fackin’ minge and, more importantly, NO DANNY FACKIN’ DYER! You wait till I see those two cocoa-shunting wankers. Gave me the right hump it did. If it wasn’t bad enough being made to sit in a fackin’ cinema and watch what is most probably the worst farkin’ film ever made, I had two Oxford wankers sitting behind me givin’ me a running fackin’ commentary throughaht the cahnt.

“Oh, the lighting is so......haunting”
“This is high art. It’s a masterpiece”
“It speaks to me on so many different levels”
“It’s so deep. I think I’m going to cry”

I’ll give you sumfin’ to fackin’ cry abaht you pretentious arse-bandits. And I did. I Kicked seven shades of pony ‘aht of the whining fack-sticks and left the cinema with so much red mist that I went straight home and paralysed the missus wiv a crowbar. Fackin’ women. Mind you mush, that’s fack all compared to what I’ll do next time I see the two faggots that run this SHIT SITE. FACKIN’ STUPID, RIM-JOBBING, PANSY-ARSED, CUM-GUZZLING CAHNTS!



From nah on, I’m only gonna look waaaaaaaaayyyyyy into the farrrrrrrkin’ future to review films. So, to rahnd up THE SEVENTH SEAL. Here is my poster quote for the film.

“Makes you wanna kill students and paralyse the missus with a crowbar!”
MYSTIC REVIEW PIZZA

Kazzam!

ADDENDUM

Just a quick naht from Barbara, Ms. Mystic Pizza. Nah you might be thinkin', why do I stay with this 'orrible misogynistic wife-pummelling cunt ov a pizza? You might be wonderin' why I put up with the constant battering with a pizza box or all the times he rubbed parmesan in me wounds. You might think 'at. But I laaav the cunt. And more importantly, he can see into da farkin' future! Can your husband see into da farkin' future? NAH, HE FARKIN' CANT, YOU CAHNT. Of course, I wish I could see into da farkin' future cos then I'd know when I was abaht to get another farkin' pastin'. Anyway, I'm off to tend to me wounds and re-apply me makeup. I might even flick me chilli bean to Danny Dyer while da trouble and strife is passed out in front of his goggle box. 'Ee fucking loves him some STREETHAWK, the dirty cockney seer of da future.

A Celebrity Product FOR MEN!

Sex toys of the rich and famous. After Gary Busey gave us a glowing recommendation to our advert for the Gary Busey Juicy Gary, word got around the A-List community (Which Gary Busey obviously isn't part of) that we were the big boys of sex toy celebrity endorsement. So now, an actor of IMMENSE quality and star of LETHAL WEAPON 4 has decided to get a little bit of the Two Angry Men cash-cash-money-money. Yes, Chris Rock wants you (And you) to buy his amazing new product. It's available at QVC and if you ring up and use our special code "I will find where you live and rape your cat" then you get a discount. HOP TO IT, CUNTS.

(Also, this is the first post we've worked on together - my ability to rhyme rude words and Crabman's ability to photoshop shit jokes. THE FUCKING DREAM TEAM)

A Warning: Pussy-whipped

Not that we want to give anyone more evidence that we are horrible misogynist women-hating cunts... Well, I am, Crabman's not. He LOVES women. Especially his wife (In case she's reading). I fucking HATE women and regularly fuck them to prove my point. This isn't a boast, especially if you'd seen the lick of the women I fuck. Anyway, to prove why I hate women, I will provide pictorial evidence of how evil they really are -



Yes, in case the fact that you can't guess which film this stub is for, it's PRIDE & PREJUDICE. The film starring Keira Knightley and That Cunt Off SPOOKS about love in the staid world of period unspoken love. And when I say it was a period piece, I mean I enjoyed it as much as I enjoy women's periods. It was AWFUL. Dull, slow, boring, piss-poor acting and DONALD SUTHERLAND, YOU FUCKING SELL-OUT CUNT. So you might be wondering why I, not only, watched this film but went to the cinema and see it. I'll tell you why, because of fucking women.

I have used the justification with Crabman that (a) If I sit through this shit, I could convince The Ex to sit through TRANSPORTER 2 and (b) I might get a BJ out of it. Neither of these excuses hold much water as (a) Who the fuck wouldn't want to see TRANSPORTER 2 anyway? And (b) BJ's are overrated and I should expect them as standard during a relationship. Yes, I am single, why do you ask? But the fact I actually sat through this FUCKING AWFUL film almost qualifies me for removal of my cock and replacement with a fanny. In fact, I should just hand over my Man Card right now. Even worse, I have a lot of mates in the cinema and so had to sheepishly pretend I was going to see DEATH KILL ORGY 7 instead of PRIDE & GAYJUDICE. What a cunt.

Crabman has the correct and not even slightly misogynistic approach and refuses to go see these films. Why am I single and he's married? I'm even much better looking too! And I can last more than 20 seconds before rolling over and having a tab. He has never had to sit through PRIDE & PREJUDICE and never will. He has, however, made his wife watch ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK approximately four billion times. It's not even that good a film either (Only kidding, I just say these things to wind him up). The absolute drivel I have sat through is terrifying. I found ticket stubs for stuff I can't even remember seeing or even what they're about. TARNATION? What the fuck is that about? I could go on. I really could. But I won't.

Yes, I am now single, why do you ask?

I am open to offers, though, if Keira Knightley's reading. But I need a guarantee of a BJ or I'm not bothering, pet.