Worst Film Poster Ever

True story, Crabman's last flat had a lift in it that was made by a company called Schindler. In case you were wondering why I've just posted the most offensive, laziest, shittest post ever known to man.

Obviously if you're still reading the site and weren't put off by a fucking pizza that can see into the future, you can take ANY old shit. A fact I hope to prove over the coming months.

My favourite Bernard Manning joke - "My grandfather died at Auschwitz." PAUSE FOR SYMPATHY "Yeah, he got pissed and fell off the machine-gun tower." Bernard, you will always be in our hearts...

Cinema Employees: An Expose

I know what you think, minimum wages, sweeping up popcorn, watching ARE WE DONE YET? eighteen times, serving unhappy bastards like me and Crabman all day - Working in a cinema must be a pretty crap job. Yeah, it's not spending all day watching films, it's lugging popcorn around and smiling at the fourteenth person to ask for tickets to see "That Lord of the Rings film, The Twin Towers?" and not being sick at the smell of cheese sauce. It's a crappy job. Or so I thought, but I've been doing some deep-cover work into the Real Life of a cinema employee. I spoke to a contact on the inside, let's just call him "Ian", and he enlightened me. That he's a cunt.



You see, when you're sitting in a packed, sweaty theatre that stinks of vomit, with some kid kicking the back of your chair and a group of teens having a chat and you can't hear a fucking thing... Your loyal staff member is probably having a wank in the staff toilets or sneaking off for the eighteenth sly fag of that hour. This "Ian" informed me that actually working in a cinema is a piece of piss and probably the easiest job in the world. I got the impression from my brief meeting with this character that he was sub-literate and this was the only job he could reasonably get. He shockingly informed me of spending several hours asleep in the disabled toilet, all the while, disabled people were probably shitting themselves in the aisles up and down the cinema. I will not inform you which cinema this "Ian" works for, but it's the Empire in Newcastle-upon-Tyne. Fucksticks.



He was later joined by a fellow comrade, who we will call "Ross". This convict-looking motherfucker also told me that they are usually pissed at the wheel. They also conduct huge scams, steal merchandise and call customers "Cock-fuckers" to their faces. You don't even want to know what they dip in the popcorn, but it's their cocks. Fuckropes. I was utterly disgusted at this point, but had to restrain myself as I like going to the cinema and trying to optically rape one of the staff would get me barred FOR LIFE. These two reprobates also informed me that it's basically one big orgy and the staff are fucking each other over the projector at least twice a day. And that the tickets are printed on the withered leathery scalps of dead babies.

So basically, next time you're in the cinema and one of the surly, acne-ridden cunts asks you for seven-fucking-pounds or however much it is now, they are secretly laughing at you. They have the easiest job in the world and spend all their time getting pissed on cheap vodka and smoking tabs. They do no work and watch films all day. Because they're all cunts.

Why Is Robin Williams Such A Massive Cunt?

It’s the eternal question isn’t it? A riddle that only the truly righteous have sought to answer but I think I've cracked the fucker. He hasn’t always been such a cunt though and just to prove that, here is a very short list of things that Robin Williams has done right throughout his career.

• His early stand up was the fucking nuts.
  
• Mork and Mindy
  
• He hates Gary Barlow
  
• Insomnia
  
• Good Morning Vietnam
  
• Death To Smoochie
  
• That duet he did with Kylie Minogue was alright I suppose
  
• The Bird Cage
  
• One Hour Photo
  
• The Fisher King

Now that I've got all the pointless fucking pleasantries out of the way let’s get down to the real nitty gritty and find out, together, why Robin Williams is such a massive cunt.

1. Dead Poets Society

Fuck me. What a gigantic pile of steaming cat shit that film is. I mean, who the fuck wants to watch a film about a classroom full of shit-stabbers that get into poetry on the say-so of a boring, snobby, unrealistic and quite frankly cunty teacher played by Williams. It’s one of the dullest films I have ever seen. Apparently, the kids sneak off during the night and sit in a cave and read poetry to each other by candlelight. Not gay then. Fucking stupid. When I was that age at school we used to sneak out at night yes, but to watch hardcore porn, drink Budweiser and wank ourselves silly. Manly. So please, fuck off with that bollocks. One of the main characters hangs himself towards the end of the film obviously due to the fact that he just found out that he had at least another 25 classes with that twat of a teacher.



“Oh captain, my Captain”

FUCK OFF!

2. Mrs Doubtfire

I know loads of people that like this film but I also hate those people with a passion normally only reserved for paedophiles and students. As you all know, Williams splits up from his wife and loses custody of his kids (who need a good fucking kicking if you ask me) and decides that only way he can see said kids on a regular basis is to drag up as a shit-scary, fat Scottish old granny and baby sit the little shits. Yeah, that’s exactly what I would have done too. Fuck going through my solicitor and negotiating while talking to my ex-wife about the best interest of the children. I wouldn’t even dress up as Batman or Spider-Man to get my point across. No, I would act like a borderline psychopath and scare ten bells of shit out of the very kids I want to be near to. Also, it’s really handy that I have a fudge-packer for a brother that just so happens to be able to create Mission:Impossible grade face prosthetics. There’s no way in hell that the judge would section me for evaluation and deem me totally unfit to be around children let alone my own children. Way to go mate. Fucking weirdo.



3. He was in Take That

Robin’s cuntery reached truly apocalyptic levels when he joined this shit boy band during the early nineties. What was he fucking thinking? I know he had just been in Mrs Doubtfire but was it really necessary to sing lead vocals on Could it be magic? Take That was another boat that left me on the fucking island. A complete bunch of wankers if ever I saw one but Williams was the true cunt of the group. Always trying to the funny, cheeky one and always cracking “jokes”, he made me want to stick hot needles in my bell-end whenever his stupid fucking face came on my TV. Why did he ever think he could sing in a boy band as well as acting in saccharine drenched cunt-fests? Cunt. At least Robin left the band, went solo and has since become a bit of a joke since releasing his last couple of albums. Take That have reformed without him and are now HUGE again. Ha ha ha ha! Take That indeed Robin you MASSIVE, MASSIVE COCK-END!



4. Hook

One of Spielbergs few follies and a film that should be locked in a hermetically sealed vault and shot into the nether regions of the galaxy never to return. It’s eye-gougeingly awful if only for Williams’ take on a classic children's character. Were we really to believe that this middle-aged, hairy, fat arsehole was Peter Pan? If so, I apologise for not getting it. But in reality, who did get it? Cunts probably. It took me fucking ages to be able to trust Spielberg again but Williams’ cuntery just kept going and going. Where will it end? Who will stop him?

5. Jakob The Liar

Jesus H Christ. This one takes the fucking biscuit. Robin just can’t seem to stop making films about hope, courage and Scottish grannies can he? This particular abomination features Williams as a Jewish shop keeper who tells all the other cunts in the ghetto that he has a secret radio that gives him information about Russia’s movements during World War 2 thus giving HOPE to the Jews and inspiring them with COURAGE. Actually, all he does is lie his fucking arse off and give the Jews FALSE HOPE and INCONSEQUENTIAL COURAGE. What a total fucking areshole. We all know people that are bullshitters but telling your doomed Jewish mates that Auschwitz is actually a swanky new nightclub is a bit much really.

6. Rudebox

The musical equivalent of tertiary syphilis.

7. Patch Fucking Adams

The worst of the worst. The lowest ebb in Robin Williams’ career. A film so stupefyingly, sickeningly shit that it should come with a government health warning for people who have an aversion to the following:

• People who think they can change the world by putting on a red nose.
  
• Terminally ill children who find red noses funny.
  
• Anyone who finds red noses funny.
  
• Anyone who believes that laughter will make their AIDS disappear.
  
• Doctors that still manage to have a sense of humour despite the fact that they have just worked a 63 hour shift while pronouncing 117 children dead.
  
• Films that offer HOPE and COURAGE.
  
• Films about overcoming adversity.
  
• Films with Robin Williams in them.
  
• Puking their guts up every 20 seconds.

Anyone who finds this film touching, funny, inspiring or uplifting is a total fuck-spanner who deserves to be locked in the same hermetically sealed vault as HOOK and shot into the sun. Wankers!.

8. What Dreams May Come

You seen this? No? Lucky fucking you. I feel no need to mention too much about this film as I believe that ImDB's plot summary will tell you eveything you need to know.

Chris Neilson dies to find himself in a heaven more amazing than he could have ever dreamed of. There is one thing missing: his wife. After he dies, his wife, Annie killed herself and went to hell. Chris decides to risk eternity in hades for the small chance that he will be able to bring her back to heaven

If that plot summary wasn't enough to give you the bubblies, what if I mention that Cuba Gooding Jnr plays an angel in it. Stay. Well. Away.

9. Bicentennial Man

This is a very silly film indeed. Williams plays a robot that was bought by a family to do menial tasks around the house but, after a while, the robot starts to have emotions and wants to become human. Fucking shit. The robot even looks like Williams which, if I'm honest, is more than a little creepy. And anyway, who the fuck would want a robotic Robin Williams moping round the house moaning all day about how shit it is to be a robot. Obviously, he hasn't seen TRANSFORMERS. If I bought Robo-Williams and it started acting a cunt, I would take it straight up to Cash Converters, sell the bastard, then buy something that might actually be of some use.



So, there you have it. Conclusive proof that Robin Williams is a massive cunt. Agree? Disagree? I couldn't give a shit. But, next time you laugh at PATCH ADAMS, listen to RUDEBOX or watch FLUBBER, please do us all a favour and take a massive overdose and slip quietly into a DEATH COMA.

Only 357 Days To Go!

Well, unless I’m very much mistaken, this Summer turned out to be absolute gash. It has fucking pissed down non-stop for two months and I have it on very good authority that it will continue to piss down for a further 40 days and 40 nights. Go God! The Summer blockbusters have all been utter shit apart from TRANSFORMERS which turned out to be a bit of dumb fun that only cynical, snotty, stubborn fuck-nuts refuse to acknowledge as the piece of harmless entertainment it is.Twats!

Yep, you might as well write off the rest of the silly season and start organising your usual Christmas arrangements as it will be here before you can say “John Hannah owes me a tenner”. Depressing. But it’s not all doom and gloom folks. Nope. You see, I am more than a little excited about a certain Batman sequel that is due for release on 18 July 2008. THE DARK KNIGHT. DasGeordie got a little fucked off over the fact that I went on and on about TRANSFORMERS a good 13 months before release but he’s really going to get the shits with me on this one.

You see, he didn’t seem to appreciate BATMAN BEGINS for the awesome film that it clearly is. It is, without a doubt, in my humble opinion, the BEST fucking comic book to film adaptation in the history of the world. It stands proudly side by side with all the other great comic book adaptations. SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE, SPIDER-MAN 2, X-MEN 2 and of course THE PHANTOM. Yes, it has flaws, as pointed out repeatedly by my esteemed colleague.

“Why did we have to know where Batman got his gadgets and car from?”

BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING ORIGIN STORY YOU FUCKING SPACK-BANGER!

“The action wasn’t very well choreographed was it. Blah, blah, fucking blah”

Get fucked! And, my favourite, from another non-believing shit-heel?

“Christian Bale is too short to play Batman. Whinge, whinge, fucking whinge”

Tell that to his face cocksucker.

Next they'll be telling me that Katie Holmes was hideously miscast. Oh, wait.



So, from now until July 18 2008, I will be boring the shit out of all my mates and probably the readers of this site with my slightly nerdy/gay obsession with Batman but more importantly THE DARK KNIGHT. Right now, I'd genuinely turn down the chance to give Megan Fox a shitty hotdog just to get a glimpse of the first teaser trailer. Although, I wouldn't be at all surprised if DasGeordie persuades Mystic Review Pizza to look into the future to review it and most probably slag it off just because Danny Fucking Dyer wasn't cast as Alfred. Fuck that shit. I mean, just look at that shot of Heath Ledger as the Joker. Fucking ace and shit scary to boot. Fuck Jack Nicholson in both ears and fuck all the past shitty Batmans. The Balester and Christopher Nolan are on the motherfucker.

It's gonna be bitchin'. My cocks a twitchin’!



CRABMAN EDIT: If Megan Fox is reading this post, I was only joking about the shitty hotdog thing. Anytime love. Anytime.

Happy Birthday Matt Le Blanc!

That was for LOST IN SPACE. And CHARLIE'S ANGELS 1 and 2. And..er....THE RED SHOE DIARIES.

Has-been motherfucker!

Mystic Review Pizza: Rush Hour 3

Alrriiiiiiight, you faaaackin' muppets! It's Mystic Review Pizza back again wiv more reviews of fillums wot ain' even farking come out yet! Some dirty cants have aksed me why I don' use my powas fir the sake of goodness ravver than just reviewing some fackin' fillum wot ain' even farking come out yet an' I say to these dirty cants, "FARK OFF WIV YOURSELF, DIRTY CANT!" I like fillums, I sometimes even like fillums wot ain' got Danny Dyer in 'em. For instance, I farkin' love fillums wiv Bob Hoskins in 'em. I also proper love fillums wiv that diamond geezer Ray Winstone in 'em. You seen NIL BY MOUTH? That's a proppa fillum! Why the fack would I be wantin' to look at anything fackin' else? Wars? FAAAARK IT. The Lottery? FAAARK IT. The winner of Big Brother? Hmm... Interesting...

Anyway, the faaaarkin' caaaants wot run this interweb site slipped me a pony to see into the faaarkin' future and tell 'em wot the four by four (I.e. score) is wiv dis new fillum about these two ethnic cants wiv badges. I ain't seen any fillums wiv ethnics in before unless you count Ben Kingsley - what with him 'avin' played farkin' Gandhi! I ain' got no problem with ethnics bein' on the screen unless they're makin' me larf. I love a good larf! An' this fillum made me larf like a farkin' Virgin train (I.e. drain)! That black geezer was all singin', "Kung fu fighting" and doin' a right ol' jig. Wot a geezer! An' when he puts on that funny voice thing, he right ol' split me anchovies! Geezer don' talk like dat all the time, though, right?

Anyway, this fillum gets a farkin' four slices out of five from yer ol' mucker, da Mystic Review Pizza, wot wiv it bein' a right old knee's up from start to finish! I mean, the only way I'd 'ave liked it more if the farking duke, Danny Dyer, were in it. Couldn't they got rid of the little Chinee fella and let the farking duke have a shot? I mean, he's double-plus hard an' don' take shit from no gangsta pricks. I laaaarves me a bit of cockney 'ard man action. I would tell you to drag yourself out to the masonry bricks (I.e. flicks) and catch vis littuhl numba as soon as it cams out. An' trust me, you'll farkin' love it, cos I've seen the farkin' future and I KNOW you farkin' love it! Until next time, I'm Mystic Review Pizza and I can see into da farkin' future!!!

DASGEORDIE'S NOTE - We at Two Angry Men do not agree or abide by any decisions as per the quality of a given film based on the review of a pizza that can see into the future. In fact, we think the twat is pulling our leg and has no mystic powers At All.

Fucking Transformers

Sooooo Crabman had been pissing his pants in excitement for months about TRANSFORMERS and even managed to get a dodgy rip highly legal preview copy of the film to watch on his astounding home-cinema system (Which is a story for another post). He declared it the best film of the Summer, a rip-roaring adventure and some of the best special effects he'd ever seen. He is a twatflap. It is none of these. It may well be better than DIE HARD 4.0 and SPIDER-MAN 3 and PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 3, but I have just watched an episode of EMMERDALE which was better than all three combined. I have just watched an episode of DICKINSON'S REAL DEALS which had more convincing special effects than DIE HARD 4.0. Saying that TRANSFORMERS is the best Summer blockbuster of 2007 is like saying having rusty red-hot needles inserted into my jap's eye is my favourite form of torture.

Rather than doing the usual Top Ten Of Hatred, I thought I'd do something a bit more useful. You're always reading reviews where they discuss technical aspects and narrative devices and photography and the actors performance and BLAH, BLAH, WHO FUCKING CARES. I want to do an actual USEFUL review that will help you decide if you want to see this film. I mean, let's be honest, nobody really gives a flying fuck what a review of TRANSFUCKINGFORMERS says, right? It's critic-proof. It'd be like asking for a review on the bag of Monster Munch you just ate. "Good start, but petered out towards the end with lack of development around the middle." No, you just eat it and ignore the rest. So I will highlight for you the two personality types (Or "disorders", more accurately) who you will most closely match and whether this means you will like TRANSFORMERS or not.

TYPE A PERSONALITY The classic Type A Personality will look for a fluid movement of characters through a narrative and won't settle for a hodge-podge of piss-poor mannequins. They will not be simply swayed by putting A Funny Black Man in it or having A Chisel-Jawed Soldier. That is weak-ass sauce. Type A's also enjoy their films to be directed in a thoughtful and innovative pace, not by an OCD spacker with a budget and a hard-on. Type A's are usually peace-loving individuals who don't like seeing helicopters Every Four Fucking Seconds. They are the kind of people who will not let a film off because "Oh, it's for kids" because Type A's absolutely love classic kids films. ET is a kids film, BACK TO THE FUTURE is a kids film... None of them have problems, they are flawless films. Type A Personality's are also good-looking, intelligent, charming, have lots of sex with attractive women and aren't cunts.

TYPE B PERSONALITY The classic Type B Personality will exhibit signs of ADHD such as being unable to stare at anything for more than HALF A FUCKING SECOND without spinning around. Type B's have an unnatural love for flares. In fact, you'd probably find yourself sat at the bar having a quiet drink with a Type B and they might just spontaneously burst out a couple of flares and roll them under a nearby table. Type B personalities also like to talk in looooong, lingering and hysterically bad purple prose about the "greatness of humanity" and how there is "more than meets the eye" with them. This has been proven to cause 90% of most pub fights. These individuals are also stuck in the past and unable to see it for the shit it actually was. Type B personality's usually live with their mother even though they're over 40, smell of piss and BO, masturbate furiously over their G1 figures and are usually cunts.

There is a chart for mapping your personality, but basically, I can't be arsed to find it/photoshop it in a piss-poor fashion. Basically, if you think you're a Type A Personality, you will find that TRANSFORMERS is a bag of turd. If you are Type B, you should enjoy TRANSFORMERS and then kill yourself slowly.

A Classier Celebrity Product

Show this old fucker some respect and buy this mofo. He was the fucking Equalizer for Christ's sake. Legend!

Mystic Review Pizza's 'Arry Potta and The Deafly 'Allows Review

Ello cahnts. Mystic ere wiv a fackin exclusive for all you stupid facking Arry Potta fans. I've spent the entire facking day looking waaaayy into the farkin future and I managed to see the seventh Arry Potta film. Not bad eh? The cahnt hasn't even been made yet. Straight up. I fink the book comes aht on Saturday but I thought I would fackin ruin it for ya anyway.

Nah, I fackin hate 'Arry fackin Potta and I've only seen abaht three of the films but let me tell you this last film is the fackin nuts. Why? Potta kicks the fackin bucket abaht arf way through. Ha! Facking sweet as. Did that spoil it for ya? Did it? Good! Ya fackin weirdo cahnts. I don't even like kids that like Potta let alone all the fackin wanky older cahnts that say shit like "Oh, but the books are so well written" and "It's ok for adults to like these books"

NO IT FACKIN AINT! GROW UP THE FACK UP! PROPER CAHNTS YOU ARE!

Oh yeah, the film. Like I said, the cahnt dies and that. Did that spoil it for ya? Some lary facker called Voldecahnt does him right in. Facking knocks the little prick right on his arse. Straight up! I didn't pay too much attention to the fackin plot as it was all abaht wizards and that. It didn't even ave Danny Dyer in it innit. Fackin shit that mush. Dyer would ave made a pucker Potta.

"Oi! Voldercahnt! Fack orf. BALD CAHNT! Fackin geezer's a cahnt mush

Now that's fackin mint.



I mean, as if Potta wasn't a big enough cahnt as it was, he ang's rahnd wiva fackin ginger. Wankaaaaa! And, he hasn't even managed to get a fack off that Hermiominge. I reckon the cahnts a fackin shit stabber meself like. Anyway, I can't be hanging rahnd ere all fackin night, I've got a Danny Dyer film to watch. It's called UP THE OLD APPLES AND PEARS. Fackin sweet as. Straight up mush! No word of a lie.

Till next time, keep aht of trouble and don't be a cahnt.

Kazzam!

Worst. Celebrity. Endorsement. Ever. Ever.

OK, this is fucking shit and it took me ages.

Anybody at ILM want to offer me a job?

TRANSFORMERS: Crabman's Review

This Summers movies have sucked balls. All of them. It’s no secret that DasGeordie and myself hated Spider-Man 3, Die Hard 4.0 et al and I had all but given up on this years offerings. Except for one. I have been badgering on about TRANSFORMERS for a good year now and have always said that it would be THE film to see this Summer. Of course, DasGeordie has taken the piss out of me constantly for even contemplating hyping a film based on a kids toy line that's directed by Michael Bay but the trailers kept me optimistic. Was I wrong to get excited about this film? Simple answer is NO.

Yep, I saw TRANSFORMERS yesterday and I will proudly proclaim that I fucking loved it. The most fun I have had in a long time without calling Orlando Bloom a cunt or petitioning for the public execution of George Lucas. Or wanking. It was so much fun in fact that I spent the best part of today boring the shit out of anyone who would listen at work about it. In short, it actually surpassed my expectations.

Of course, being a Michael Bay film, the script was a tad cheesy, the character development was skimmed over and there was a certain amount of flag waving but you know what? I couldn’t care less. It had big, fuck off robots kicking seven shades of shit out of each other. What’s not to like. There was problems with it sure, but the good far outweighs the bad and just to prove my point, here is the pros and cons of TRANSFORMERS.

What's right with it.

1. The visual effects.

This had to be at the top of the list because quite frankly I was gobsmacked by the work done by ILM on this film. It takes a lot to impress me these days when it comes to CGI but believe me when I say that TRANSFORMERS is a landmark in the history of visual effects. The last time I was this floored by CGI was JURASSIC PARK back in 1993. The amount of detail that has gone into the transformations is staggering and along with the truly photo realistic rendering you forget that you are watching a load of pixels and just get caught up in all the onscreen mayhem. Un-fucking-believable. If it doesn’t win the Oscar for best visual effects next year I will eat my shat.



2. Shia Lebeouf is actually rather good in it.

Now, I know DasGeordie can’t stand the man but to be honest I had never really seen him in anything so I wasn’t sure what to expect but I am pleased to say that he held the film together. He is perfect for the part of the put upon Sam Whitwicky. A nerdy virgin who gets his first car that just so happens to be a fucking alien robot. Ace. In fact I would go as far as to say that I actually liked him in this film. He’s turned out to be a genuinely good actor with a knack for humour. Good on ya mate and don’t let that bastard DasGeordie get you down.

3. The Military hardware.

Michael Bay is well known for being able to get the assistance of the US army when it comes to borrowing their stuff but he has surpassed himself here. There is more helicopters, F22s, tanks and artillery than you shake a shitty stick at and I’m sorry but that just makes me hard as a rock.

4. Megan Fox is in it.



Would.

5. The sound design.

Again, more staggering work from the people behind the scenes. Every explosion, bullet shot and building destroyed has been made to sound like the end of the world. In a good way. The transformation sounds alone are sonic works of art and if it doesn’t win the Oscar for best sound design next year I will lay off Orlando Bloom for a year. Maybe.

6. It isn’t remotely boring.

Which is refreshing in a year filled with arse-numbing, clock-watching shit-fests. I'm looking at you Peter Parker.

7. It isn’t a fucking sequel/prequel/shituel

This year has really taken the piss, what with Pirates 3, Spider-Man 3, Ocean’s 13, Shrek 10, Hostel Part 28, Fantastic 163 and Harry Potter and The Stash of Jazz Mags. And just for that, I applaud it. Here, here.

8. IT WAS JUST PLAIN GOOD OLD TURN-YOUR-BRAIN-OFF ESCAPISM WITH MORE FUN THAN ALL THE OTHER SUMMER FILMS PUT TOGETHER.

I shit you not.

9. Big. Fuck. Off. Robots. Kicking. The. Shit. Out. Of. Each. Other.



10. I had a BIG fucking grin on my face for the entire 2 hour running time

No mean feat.



What's wrong with it.

1. Mini Decepticon thing.

There is a small, evil robot that appears to be the TRANSFORMERS equivalent of Jar Jar Binks complete with comedy voice. But not half as annoying. I assume this character is for the kiddies. Nice effects work again though.

2. The score.

The composer apparently couldn’t be bothered to write an original score so he simply knicked the themes from BATMAN BEGINS and ARMAGEDDON. Lazy cunt.

3. The dialogue.

Cheesy. As. Fuck. So fucking what though. It’s a Michael Bay film for Christ’s sake. I didn’t watch if for subtext or nuance. If it wins the Oscar for best adapted screenplay next year I will laugh my arse off.

4. Err..........Um..........

I'm struggling to think of more things that I didn’t like about TRANSFORMERS. Maybe it’s because it had GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS WITH BIG, FUCK OFF GUNS IN IT.

I'm going to watch it again at the weekend and I'll be dragging DasGeordie along so expect to see a slightly different review from him next week. Grumpy cunt. I, for one, am just happy that I got to see a film this Summer that made me feel like I should feel around every blockbuster season. Like a kid again. Job done.

Roll out the DVD

A Love Letter From Michael Bay

You are beautiful, like shining metal bugs hovering over my pollen of love. How I love thee, the humble helicopter.



Words cannot describe how often I think of thee. Whether I'm ordering a bagel and cappucino or directing a cunt with a stupid name to run away from an imaginary metal robot on set or just merely having a quick Jodrell Bank in between takes... I am always thinking of your lovely rotors and divine tail and what I would secretly love to do to you if it wasn't illegal in most States.



Sometimes I think nothing else matters. That I should stop it all - stop directing films and making all that money and having all that hot sex with lots of hot women... I should stop it all and devote myself completely to you. Live inside your spacious passenger compartment, read you bedtime stories like a doting father and then make sweet, sweet love to your fuel tank. But no, that way leads madness. And it is only you, the humble helicopter, who makes me this mad. In love.


Some say I love you too much, that maybe I could spare a thought for characterisation in my movies... But they are wrong. You are my all. Helicopters. Just typing it gives me a twitch. In my expensive designer pants. They want me to remake WATERSHIP DOWN next, but I can't do it. After all, where would I put the helicopters?

Yours lovingly,

Michael "Chopper" Bay

xxx

Behold......Mystic Review Pizza!

Look into my eyes

Ello Cahnts. Allow me to introduce meself. I’m Mystic Review Pizza and I can see into the farkin future. Straight up. The two cahnts that do this site asked me to come on board and review films that haven’t even fackin come aht yet. Frankly, I have better fackin things to do wiv my time but I could do with some publicity. Know wot I mean? If you aven’t noticed, I’m from good old Lahndon tahn. East end. Right fackin cockney me mush but I am blessed with this talent see. Every nah and then, I’ll give you the lowdahn on movies that aven’t even been fackin made yet coz I can see into the farkin future. Straight up.

That posh prick, DasGordon or some bollocks, had a go at lookin into the future to review TRANSEXUALS but he’s a talentless facker. Stick to ya comics ya nerdy cahnt.

That fat geeky cahnt, Crabstick or whatever the fack he's called, told me that this site needs someone like me to come along and make it sweet like. Cahnt! I’ll try my best but they aint paying me fack all so sumfin is better than nufink. Know wot I mean?

Anyway, I ain’t staying ere all facking day. I’ve got a fackin Danny Dyer film to review. In the future. It’s called Cockney World and it ain’t even been facking written yet but I bet its gonna be sweet as. Fackin loves Dyer. Cushdy geezer. Straight up.

So, until next time, keep aht of trouble and don’t be a cahnt. Kazzam!

Caaaaaaaahhhhhnts!

Happy 65th Birthday Harrison Ford!

Yes, you read that correctly. He is 65 fucking years old today. That would make him a pensioner in this country. It also means that he is probably dribbling a lot, farting uncontrolably, moaning about the post office queue, shitting himself all the time, going on and on about the war, playing bingo every Tuesday, saving pennies in a jar for his grandchildren, boring young people with desperately dull anecdotes and listening to his wireless of an evening. Oh, and he most probably smells of piss as well.

Looking forward to Indiana Jones 4 though. It's going to be...erm.....different.


Nice!

Mystic Reviews: Transformers

Gaze into my crystal ball!

It is the 27th of July in our Lord's year of 2007. Verily, the film known as TRANSFORMERS has been released in the movingpicture-a-toriums across this fair nation of England. Verily it took them a fucking couple of weeks to get it released over here, ye olde cunts. Myself and my good squire, Sir Crabman, have gone in with much baited breath and excitable demeanours to see this new film. All our hopes now rest with this film... The one true hope for the Summer season. But what will it be like? I shall use my mystic powers to tell you, kind folks! Why wait for the review when I can write it before I see it! So now, I pass you over to the DasGeordie of 15 days into the future! Woooh! Spooky!

DASGEORDIE OF TWO WEEKS IN THE FUTURE:-
Jesus fucking wept, was that a hideous bag of turd. I can't believe Crabman made me go and watch that utter, utter fucking shit! I mean, giant robots fighting and they messed it up! I don't give a shit about some whiny kid getting his first car and there's no way a woman that hot would fall for Chia McBeef and his potato-shaped head! And the robots look shit, they're far too bitty and over-complicated. And the comedy relief was appalling. And Jesus, Mary and Joseph, but Michael Bay needs to stop doing the fucking dolly shots circling round characters! And the slow-mo! I went to see a TRANSFORMERS film - and I don't even like them - and I end up with fucking Bernie Mac and some kid's parents! Cunts! I hate you all for making me think this would be good! I hate you all! Shit, well, at least it won't really matter that much seeing as they've just sounded the three minute alarm and Russia's about to start a nuclear war of Mutually Assured Destruction. Who saw that coming, eh?

Wooh! Spooky, huh? I know there are some non-believers out there who think I may well be just making this up, but we shall see, fellow travellers! We shall see! If my review rings true, verily stupid shall you all feel in doubting my powers! For there could be no other explanation for this supernatural shenanigans! Wooh! Spooky!

Two Angry Men Goes All Techie And That.

Just thought I would post a little something for you lucky readers regarding a super new feature we have added to this prestigious site. If you look down the right hand side you'll see that we have added an extremely high tech data feed from the good people at box office mojo that allows you to look, at a glance, the top five movies at the US box office every weekend and how much said movies have taken. Good eh? OK, its a bit shit but it will allow us to take the piss out of our friends over the pond when they make Big Momma's House 8 a massive hit. We have called this pointless new feature Cunts Corner.

Nice.



EDIT: Happy now Ooshka? Honestly, I thought we were picky bastards.

Happy Birthday Greg Grunberg!

Whoever the fuck you are.

The Four Horsemen Approach

A few posts back I pondered if the onset of Armageddon was upon us due to fact that a third Rush Hour film is being released later this Summer. Well, It’s not impending at all. Armageddon is well and truly here. The four horsemen of the Apocalypse are stampeding towards a cinema near you. Why you ask? Apparently, after the success of The Devil Wears Prada, Hollywood have decided to greenlight Sex and the City: The Movie. And God wept.

I have an extremely unhealthy hatred towards that vile, disgusting, misleading piece of shit TV series. It is the ULTIMATE birds TV show. Meaning BAD. Worse than Ugly Betty? Sure. Worse than Big Brother? Absolutely. Worse than a severe dose of cock- rot? You bet your ass it is. It’s stupefyingly awful. I sometimes have to watch it if the missus decides to torture me due to the fact that I still haven’t finished painting the fucking kitchen after three months. “Oh God, Oh sweet Jesus. Look love, I’ve got the brush in my hand, just please, for the love of all that’s holy, turn that fucking shit off. MUMMY!”

Women love that fucking show and it’s their fault that the end of the world is nigh. Thanks for that ladies. I mean, does anyone actually believe that the despicable excuses for women that are portrayed in the show reflect real life in anyway whatsoever? If you do, then you will get a very big shock once you eventually find someone that is willing to fuck you and then you’ll realise that sex is basically a quick nosh, a finger or two and five or six pumps( if you’re lucky) then snoozing commences. It is NOT hanging from a chandelier with a champagne bottle up your arse whilst being eaten out by a bronzed, six-packed adonis for an hour before being rogered in more positions than the Karma Sutra for six hours until you explode in a tsunami of jizz and Dom Perignon. Sorry to piss on your parade ladies.

All the women on that show are complete and utter slags. Terrible role models for women they are. Maybe it’s just me but I think most blokes prefer PROPER slags not upper class, whinging, well-to-do PRETEND slags that have an uptown apartment and a really good job. Utter wank and frankly it gives poor, balding, slightly fat men like myself a rough time trying to give their other halves the SEX AND THE CITY LIFESTYLE. Two minutes of sex (including foreplay) and a Pot noodle is all I can muster at the moment. Oh, and maybe a can of Special Brew. If I’ve got enough.



I am ranting a little, just for a change, but I would like to mention a few points why I not only think Sex and the City is a detestable TV show but it will make for an APOCALYPTIC movie experience.

• Sarah Jessica Parker is not just one of the ugliest women in show business but one of the ugliest people on the planet. She’s only getting off lightly here because she married Ferris Bueller.
  
  
• Kim Cattrall is WAY past her prime and rather annoying to boot. She ucks her tits out in every other episode but did she get her baps out during her film career? Not to my fucking knowledge she didn’t. If she had gone full frontal in Mannequin and diddled herself she MAY have had the privilege of being a member of Crabman’s Wacky Wank Bank, but at the moment, no bastard chance. Skank.
  
  
• Every episode I've had the displeasure to see had no discernible plot or story other than the women trying to find as much cock as possible whilst shopping. A lot. And moaning. A lot. “Oh Carrie, I’m minted with a great job and a fantastic apartment but my clit’s too small. Boo Hoo!”
  
  
• The theme tune makes me want to stick a power drill in my ear. And through to my brain.
  
  
• The writers of the show are living on the Planet Cunt.

I have skimmed the fucking surface here folks. A film based on that horrible show will have about as much to say about relationships and city living as Tron did about the plight of the native American Indians. It’s going to be bad beyond words I can’t possibly comprehend.

I have it on very good authority that the films plot is as follows:

Samantha and Carrie go on a frantic quest to find a man who has the funkiest spunk.

Hardly Lord of the Rings is it?

It starts shooting this Autumn so there is still plenty of time to get prepared for the rising of the beast. The planet was nice while it lasted.

Diet Hard XP

First of all, Len Wiseman is a cunt of the highest order. Seriously. I mean, I don't care if he donates to charity, loves his mother, once rescued a terminally ill orphan from a burning hospice... he is a cunt. A cunt's cunt. Because - just make a bad action film and you're a bit of a twat. It's not hard. But make a bad sequel to the greatest action film ever made makes you the kind of galactic cunt that would swallow planetary twats and solar pricks like Galactus - King of Cunts. And in case you were wondering what I'm talking about, this is a review of DIE HARD 4.0.

Or, if you live in America, LIVE FREE, DRIVE A LEXUS, CAP TOWELHEADS, FIGHT TERROR, EAT MACDONALDS AND JUST DIE HARD ALREADY. Thankfully, they realised that audiences outside America might not support their jingoism so much, so changed it to the far less shit DIE HARD 4.0. When I say less shit, I mean it in the same way that catching AIDS is slightly less shit than catching the bubonic plague. Anyway, I'm not even going to do the classic 2AM Ten Things I Hate About You This Film, because I'd be onto my 14th point by the time I realised what I was doing. Cunts. So here's some points I feel need to be raised in no particular order.

• Bruce Willis is old. He has aged since the last DIE HARD. This happens. It is known as "the aging process". It's happening to Crabman at an astronomical rate. I am actually de-aging. Bruce Willis is too old to be jumping off planes and making us believe he wouldn't put his hip out. I am TERRIFIED about what Harrison Ford is going to look like in the new Indiana Jones film. TERRIFIED.
  
  
  
  
• Len Wiseman is a cunt. Seriously, did you see UNDERWORLD?
  
  
• Why actually film something when CG can do the work for you? I'm not even kidding, there was a shot with Bruce and Justin Long driving down a country road and they'd blatantly shot it against green screen and dropped in the country afterwards. I fail to see how it's easier to green screen in a background than actually, you know, taking a fucking car out to the country and filming it. This happened throughout the film. Several times you catch a whiff of CG background when they're driving and it's because there's a big stunt coming up/something crashes into them. So then every time I spotted some crap green screen action I was waiting for something to crash into them and it never happened. Halfway through the film I was waiting for something to crash into me.
  
  
• Kevin Smith shouldn't ever act. Ever. Seriously extending your ouevre of acting ability. A fat nerd. Go Team Smith! Maybe you could have tried to extend your range and played "A fat something else"? Maybe you could fuck off out of my DIE HARD film forever. Comedy shtick in a DIE HARD film? They always had a wry dark sense of humour, what they didn't have was a cunt with a collection of STAR WARS dreck. Also, I don't believe John McFuckingClane has ever bothered his arse enough to watch STAR WARS. Not when there are still air-ducts he has yet to climb through.
  
  
  
  
• Len Wiseman is a cunt. Seriously, did you see UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION?
  
  
• Computer hacking should never ever be in an action film. I mean, when was this popular? The heyday for computer hacker films must have been mid-90s. And you know what, IT'S NOT FUN TO WATCH. Seriously, I went to uni to learn programming and had to quit after two years because I could feel my soul seep away with every line of C++ I typed. Also, 90% of programmers are cunts. Ha ha ha, I've probably just offended 90% of our readership! But seriously, there is no way to make Typing On A Computer interesting. Not even getting a nosh off Halle Berry whilst you're hacking the matrix makes it cool.
  
  
• Terrible ADR and editing. Sometimes I let films off as it could be that the Utter Numpty who the cinema have employed to monkey handle the reel together may have just sellotaped it up wrong. But not in this film. It was a proper hodge-podge. And the ADR was blindingly obviously wrong, to the point I thought something was wrong with the reel. I mean, sound production isn't my area of expertise, so I'm sure those more knowledgeable would notice a gazillion times more... But it wasn't even subtle.
  
  
• Len Wiseman is a cunt. Seriously, he fucked Kate Beckinsale. Probably while wearing the tight leather.
  
  
• The climactic finale to the film was stupid beyond belief. Am I to believe that the US government would allow a fully-equipped fighter jet to open fire on a row of traffic? They'd think that was a viable choice? And whether it's real or not, the terrible CG on that F35 made it look like a space-ship from some early nineties vertical scrolling shoot-em-up. It must be pretty shit, like, because it manages to miss a FUCKING HUGE SEMI RIG four times with rockets from close range. Semi's not being famous for their maneouverability. This isn't even getting on to the domino effect on the falling road (Which, again, would cause massive collateral damage), the only part of the truck that is destroyed is the roof when the massive gun is unleashed or just, well, the entire sequence. Also, the climax to an action film should be Hero Versus Villain, not Hero Versus Man In Plane.
  
  
• John McClane apparently is the master of transport. In this film, John is seen driving literally fourteen different cars and they all get smashed. He drives a huge semi rig. He fucking flies a helicopter. Midway through helicopter sequence, the writers remember that John hates flying and throw in a couple of lines to cover. No, maybe you could just NOT HAVE HIM FLYING A FUCKING HELICOPTER. Seriously!
  
  
• Len Wiseman is a... Oh, you know.
  
  
• It actually started off all right. The first ten minutes or so are not bad. Very good low-key action scene with shooting and improvisation and John being convincingly hard. It all starts going to pot around the time the Le Parkour is introduced. I hate Le Parkour. It is this year's bullet-time.
  
  
• Everybody else seems to love it. Some cunt actually applauded at the end of the showing Crabman and I attended. This is England! We don't applaud! All the charva cunts streamed out going on about it "being totally belta" and "proper sweet". I knew I should have rigged the exit to the screen with land-mines...

I could literally go on and on and post several billion petty bits I hated, like the fact John manages to travel half the country in a very short time or that he decides to kill someone with a truck despite all logic suggesting he shouldn't or that the CG was terrible throughout or that he should have been dead a hundred times over or that they still managed to bleep out "Motherfucker" or that the bad guy was rubbish or... Longest run-on sentence EVER! Suffice to say, I am losing all faith in cinema and if I don't see a good action film soon I may just give up and get into Merchant Ivory.

I'm even so angry I can't be arsed to photoshop a cock onto a picture of Justin Long. Seriously angry. I'm sure Crabman had one lined up before the film which he can post as he knew it would be rubbish. Don't worry, I'll have my revenge when he forces me to see TRANSFORMERS and I explain why it's shit in lengthy detail.

Is Armageddon Imminent?

Yesterday, DasGeordie and myself went to see Die Hard 4.0 (to be reviewed shortly) and after we’d sat through the usual ten minutes of TV ads that, quite frankly, I hate watching at home for free let alone paying to fucking see them, the trailers started. I usually look forward to the trailers but after yesterday I think I will just stay in the toilet and take a dump until the film starts in future. Why? Because I had to watch the trailer for Rush Hour 3.

Now, I’m not sure who asked for a third instalment of this nauseating franchise but whoever it was needs to be lined up and shot. With rusty bullets. I watched the first one on TV years ago because there was genuinely fuck all else on and I HATED IT. With a passion. The reason for much of the hatred is attributed to Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker is a cunt of almost unimaginable calibre. I can’t fucking stand him. We should be thankful that he makes very few films. In fact, his last two films were Rush Hour 1 and 2. That gives you a pretty good indication of the cunt’s acting range. Prick. He ruined The Fifth Element with his squeaky, gurning, over-the -top performance and Luc Besson should be fucking ashamed of himself for casting the twat. The only film I want to see Tucker in is Hostel Part 3 where Eli Roth decides to forego a storyline in favour of just torturing the irritating fuck for 90 minutes. For real.



Obviously, Chris Tucker is the main reason for hating Rush Hour but I found more reasons as the trailer went on. After about 25 seconds, someone came on screen that I instantly recognised. “Nah, it can’t be” I thought “It fucking well is” I realised. Yep, a certain Roman Polanski has a role in Rush Hour 3 as a snooty French detective. What the fuck is going on? Roman Polanski? The man who directed Chinatown and Rosemary’s Baby is now acting in sub-retard-level dreck like Rush Hour 3. My rage level at this point during the trailer was at DEFCON 3.



About 50 seconds in, Max Von Sydow appears on screen. For fucks sake! Max, what are you doing? There must be better roles that you can take. I mean, you’re Father Merrin. You played chess with death in The Seventh Seal. Where’s your dignity? Oh, fuck ya then. DEFCON 2.



The rest of the trailer consisted of the usual Jackie Chan stuntwork/chop socky wank that we all got bored of about ten fucking years ago and Chris Tucker, as per usual, thinking he’s the new Michael Jackson whilst simultaneously piling on the “ladies man” bullshit. OXYMORON ALERT! Whenever something “funny” happened during the trailer, the rest of the cinema laughed like a bunch of lobotomised drones while DasGeordie and myself just sat there with steam coming out of ears and blood seeping from our eyes.

This lasted nearly two minutes, of which, I will never get back but I did have to laugh to myself at the end of the trailer. Voice-over man proudly proclaimed "DIRECTED BY BRETT RATNER!". I would keep that part quiet if I were you mate. Brett Rent-A-Hack Ratner? Please. He’s a fucking awful director who managed to fuck up the X-Men franchise plus other films on his CV include Rush Hour 1 and 2. What a cunt.



Anyone who actually pays to go and see Rush Hour 3 this Summer please bear these points in mind:

• You are helping Satan in his quest for Armageddon
  
  
• You have no life/girlfriend/boyfriend
  
  
• You are a cunt
  
  
• Get off this site
  
  
• Please kill yourself

DEFCON 1