Films That Could Be Improved By Invading Cuba #2: Grease

Finally, Sandy Ollson gives in and decides to become the complete slut that Danny Zuko always wanted her to be and via the medium of song they complete their courtship on a variety of carny rides. But, the good times ain't gonna last. Not by a long fucking shot. Kenickie, Doody and Spacker pull Zuko to one side and drop one hell of a bombshell. Betty Rizzo, Zuko’s ex, has been taken hostage and taken to a remote mansion.....in CUBA. Zuko reacts badly. VERY BADLY. He immediately starts getting his weapons together along with a fuck-off atom bomb with a payload that will teach those commie shitheads not to fuck with the T-Birds. Sandy notices Danny attaching an M134 mini-gun, capable of firing 4000 rounds per minute, to the bonnet of Grease Lightning and goes to find out what's going on.

Sandy: "Danny, what's wrong honey?"

Danny: "Its Rizzo baby. Those red motherfucker cigar smoking communist sacks of shit have finally taken her. I have to get her back. Alone."

Sandy: "NO! We go together.....like rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong."

Danny: "I dunno baby. It's gonna get pretty hairy, like....shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yipitty boom de boom,"

Sandy: "Fuck that. I'm wearing skin tight lycra, sporting the mother of all camel toes and I need to get into the suck. Lets Roll."

And with that, Zuko smiles and hands Sandy an Ingram M11 9mm Uzi and they jump in the now flyable Grease Lightning with the bomb in the back seat. As they take to the skies with all weapons cocked, loaded and ready to blow shit up, they are waved good luck by all the High School mooks and its MISSION ON! As they enter Cuban airspace, ready to drop that mother of a payload, they hit the stereo and 'Summer Nights' starts to blare out. Sandy turns to Danny and realises that his hair doesn’t look like an entire football team had wanked all over it for a change and mentions it to him.

Danny: "Shit. We need grease..........lots of grease."

Pointless Fucking Remakes #1: Taxi

Inside the dimly lit neuronal hallways of my brain, there are a specific collection of keywords which, when triggered via the ears or the eyes, will create autonomic responses I can no longer control than Robin Williams can control breathing (Despite everybody wishing he could). Earlier today, two of those keywords triggered - "Queen Latifah" and "re-make" - and my brain gave up everything else it was doing in order to write this post. And also shout "Fuckty-cunt-thighs!" several times before being asked to leave Mothercare.

Despite Luc Besson going a bit off the rails in recent years, he is - and let's never forget this - the man who made LEON. Or THE PROFESSIONAL if you're in the Formerly British States Of America. LEON is the greatest film ever made with Jean Reno as an assassin. Jean Reno will never make a better film where he plays an assassin. It also has jailbait Portman. And a man hanging upside-down from the ceiling firing two guns at armed police officers. Yes, it is ace. And one of the good things Besson did with this success was exec produce a load of other films in his native country - one of which being the mentalistic car-chase and gun-fight wank fantasy of TAXI. One of the highlights of my one and only trip to Paris was not seeing the Eiffel Tower while snow gently fell or standing a few mere feet away from the Mona Lisa or successfully ordering a drink without being called a cunt in French... No, it was seeing the taxi from one of the TAXI films on display in this bizarre showroom-cum-shop-cum-museum on the Champs Ellysee. I am a sad chatte. (Thank you, Google Translate!)

But then they decided to remake the film with fucking Queen La-fucking-tifah and *deep breath* *deep breath* Jimmy Cu-fucking-Fallon. Who are both, pardon my French, massive, massive chattes. I mean, they are tres, tres chatte-y. They are the grandest chattes of the entire monde. And so are the film-makers of this merde-sandwich of a cinematic outing. A fucking comedy? A FUCKING COMEDY? OK, that's fine, maybe you should have hired some FUCKING COMEDIANS then? Maybe? And, oh my god, I just had to check IMDB to see who was responsible and it was Tim Super-Shower-Of-Chattes Story, the man responsible for fucking up Fantastic Four. God, I hate you even more now. What are you going to do next? Decide that video my mum made of my fifth birthday was a bit dull so it needs an Owen Wilson cameo? You utter shower of merde, I hope you catch AIDS from a baguette.



The only way I can possibly see me ever calming down about this is if Luc Besson makes a sequel to LEON where Jean Reno has to hunt down everybody involved in the TAXI remake and kill them. Over and over again. Until they get the message.

CHATTES!

Remake This!

Hollywood has been remaking films for decades. It’s nothing new. So why does it all of a sudden seem like there is a remake of a classic film released every fucking month? Particularly horror remakes. Now, I have absolutely no problem whatsoever with studios remaking a film that was a bit shit in the first place. Oceans Eleven springs to mind. Original was shite, the remake was really rather good. Or John Carpenters ‘The Thing’ which happens to be one of my favourite films all time. However, what I DO object to is Hollywood remaking films that were perfect in the first place and can in no way be improved upon and the only reason these dumbfuck executives decide to do pointless remakes is to pander to the stupid fucking ADD riddled teen market, most of whom would probably tell you that they thought ‘The Exorcist’ wasn’t scary (remake that film at your peril Michael Bay) and it was more funny if anything. Fucking ignorant twats. I could, in theory, sit down and write a very positive piece about remakes that really worked but I’m not here to be all nice and shit. I am a cynical, grumpy, bitter, judgemental old lager-bot, so over time both DasGeordie and myself will be ripping into remakes that really shouldn’t have been made but this is just a quicky that I had to post due to the fact I woke up with the toothache/hangover from hell and I am in a particularly grumpy mood. Just for a fucking change.

Whenever I have an aneurism caused by news of yet another shitty remake DasGeordie will say some shit like “look Crabman, if you don’t like these remakes then don't go to fucking see them you perma-moaning rim jimster” Fuck that shit. That's not the point you ponderously pragmatic marmite highwayman. The point is there must be thousands of original scripts out there that would make great fucking films but that seems to be too risky for the studios. Just today I read news that the classic 80’s Steve Martin comedy ‘All Of Me’ is to be remade starring Queen Latifah. Give me a fucking break. As I’m writing this there is probably a room full of studio bigwigs sitting round a table somewhere having a conversation that will be going something like this.

Fuck-nut 1: “We have to start thinking about our big summer releases for next year. Any thoughts?”

Fuck-nut 2: “I have a stack of original scripts written by promising new talent on my desk”

Fuck-nut 3: “Hmm, originality huh? Risky that. Anybody got a safer bet”

Michael Bay: “We could remake JAWS”

Fuck-nut 1: “GENIUS! Shia LeBeouf as Brody, Matthew Lillard as Hooper and Vin Diesel as Quint. Oh, and do you think we could get Freddy Prinze Jnr on board to play the shark?”

Michael Bay: “Last time I saw Freddy he was eating out of a dumpster so I reckon he’ll jump at the chance”

All Fuck-nuts: “YAY!!!!!”

And so begins the end of western civilisation as we know it.

Happy Birthday, Crabman!

Yes, the curmudgeonly, ever miserable ying to my yang is an undeterminate age between 12 and 67 today. He has already celebrated several times this week with repeat viewings of his favourite Christian Bale films and a box of man-sized Andrex. His wife already has plans to allow him his annual conjugal visit to occur two months early this year. And I thought I'd congratulate him by providing him with some rare pictures I've dug up from the internet I knew he'd like.

Here is Myleene Klass wearing the original Helen Slater Supergirl costume. And she's flicking her bean.



EDIT 1: Oh dear, it seems that that's not working right now. I've got the web-monkeys clattering away at a million keyboards, but it's looking unlikely we'll get the image back.

So here's another image instead. This time we've got Kurt Russell dressed as MacReady from THE THING being spit-roasted by Superman and Batman.



EDIT 2: Well, it seems lightning does strike twice as that image has now vanished into the interweb along with at least half of my working life. Anyway, I'm a little peeved about this whole thing now and all the effort I've gone to, so I'm just going to take the easy way out now. Hard. Core. Pornography. Here's a picture of a massive fanny and a load of cocks.



Happy birthday, you miserly old cunt!

Films That Could Be Improved By Invading Cuba #1: My Left Foot

There is no greater ending to any film than the end of Bad Boys II. What, what, what? You're going to suggest something else? Like 2001? Or Planet Of The Apes? Or Nutty Professor II: Meet The Klumps (In which one of the characters gets anally raped by a giant hamster For Fuck's Sake)? No, those are all wrong. WRONG. Bad Boys II ends with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence invading Cuba. As if we hadn't seen enough OTT-osity so far, they mount an armed invasion of the nation of Cuba to rescue a woman. She is hot, but I doubt I'd invade Cuba for her. Jersey, maybe... Possibly the Isle of Man, but not Cuba. There are many many films out there that could only be improved by taking this approach to cinema.



After overcoming being labelled a spastic for the first ten years of his life, Christy Brown has overcome his working class Irish environment and learned to express himself through writing and poetry. Made all the more impressive by the fact he can only move his left foot. Christy's works are an inspiration to all, not least of which his mother. But could he hold a semi-automatic MP5 with that left foot? Could he drive stick on a Hummer as it went down a mountain through a small village with that left foot? You'll never know, because this film did not end with anybody invading Cuba. If anybody could make you believe a quadriplegic could invade a small island off the American coast, it would be Daniel Day Lewis. After gunning down swarthy bereted chaps with his foot-mounted fire-arm, Christy would casually scrawl a witty bon mot on a handily placed notepad. With his foot. And when you're driving AN ARMOURED CAR THROUGH A VILLAGE, you only really need one foot. And it's not going to be on the brakes.

Crabman Presents ANI-WANKERS!

DasGeordie mentioned in his fine piece on Eric Bana that he has never once achieved a semi whilst watching a cartoon. That got me to thinking. You see, I have. Still do actually. Certain female cartoon characters have always made me want to whack one off. Or two. Yes, you’re right, its a little strange. Perverted even. But I can’t change who I am. I like to think that I am just a lot more open minded than your average alpha-male dickhead. I am comfortable wanking over drawings. Very comfortable in fact. This has led me to sit down on a quiet Friday night while my wife watches Ugly fucking Betty, to come up with THE definitive top ten, in no particular order, of the most fuckable animated female characters of all time. Viddy well fellow ani-wankers.

1. Clover from Watership Down. 1978

Now, I know this is a bad first choice because the character in question is a rabbit but please bear with me. And before you close down in disgust, I do NOT want to fuck Richard Briers. No, Clover was one of the few female rabbits, or ‘does’ as I think they are known, in Watership Down. I haven’t got a fucking clue who voiced her and I don’t want to know. I want this memory kept pure. I was seven years old when I saw this film but I remember quite vividly that Clover stirred my loins. So much so in fact that I made a proper mess of my Buck Rogers Y-fronts. Mother was not happy. Call me an early developer if you like. When all the other kids were crying at all the little bunnies dying, I was furiously changing into a fresh pair of Y-fronts - Spider-Man if memory serves - waiting for the next shot of Clover. Bunny love. Aces.



2. Bo Peep from Toy Story. 1995

Another oddity on my part, but I will stand by this decision. Simply put, Bo Peep is a sexy motherfucker. She was voiced by Annie Potts who was the receptionist in Ghostbusters who I also wanted to bang but that’s another post altogether. It has always bugged me that Woody never ended up boffing Bo in the films. She so obviously wants it. She’s flirty, dirty and ready for the suck and yet Brokeback Woody just blushes and giggles like a fucking tool. He’s gay. Well gay. Why do you think he wants to spend most of his time with Buzz? Obvious really. If I was Woody, as soon as Bo Peep gave me even the slightest hint of a come on, I’d be pile driving the dirty hussy in her barn quicker than you can say "To infinity and beyond!". Woody? Give me a break. I have more wood for Bo than she could possibly handle.

3. Yori from Tron. 1982

Yes, yes, I’m well aware that she is not technically a fully animated character but she was rotoscoped and neon back lit which is in itself enough to make me hard. Ahh, beautiful Cindy morgan. She also played the slutty rich bird from Caddyshack who got her baps out and shagged that really goofy ugly twat. I still don’t buy that. Anyway, Yori was a young boys whack-a-day wet dream. How tight was that fucking costume? Neon camel toe action? I really wasn’t ready for that at the age of nine. I remember my dad taking me to see it at the cinema and then leaving with what was probably my first ever crush. I mean, how cool is a fit bird with dayglow flaps starring in a movie about video games? End of line.



4. Lady from Lady and the Tramp. 1955

Yep, another animal. A dog too. I don’t care though. Lady was enough to turn any young lad into a Japanese helicopter pilot. Tramp didn’t realise how lucky he was to get a date with that bitch. Yeah, he managed to get a snog whilst sucking on spaghetti with her but what he should have done is, when she had her eyes closed, was quickly swap that spaghetti with his knob. Yeah, she's a snobby rich fucker, but deep down all she wanted was a bit of the old in-out, in-out. But, it is a Disney film, so deep penetrative dog sex might have made the censors question Walt's sanity but I do think they wimped out. Dogs fuck. All the time. If they can’t fuck another dog they will gladly fuck anything that comes to hand. That film would have been awesome if it had been an X certificate.

5. Aunt Flo from Bod. 1975

Not movie related and wrong on all sorts of levels but she still gives me a pocket rocket.



6. Love-a-Lot Bear from The Care Bears Movie. 1985

By now you’re probably thinking that this list is a bit lame because I haven’t mentioned Jessica bloody Rabbit. Well, I’m not going to because that would just be too fucking obvious. My number six might be controversial but so be it. I mean look at her. Just LOOK AT HER. Dirty minx. She aint no goody goody care bear. She's a filthy slut really. The official Care Bears website describes her as ‘spunky and energetic’ who likes to “spread love”. I bet she does. I desperately need this movie on High Definition DVD so I can relive my adolescent wank fantasies in glorious 1080p.



7. Mima from Perfect Blue. 1998

How could I possibly have a list like this and leave out some Manga bush. Great film this. Check it out if you haven’t seen it. Its made all the more better by the presence of the main character, Mima. Females in Manga have always been inherently sexy but Mima really gives my trouser area a proper workout. And don’t be fooled into thinking she is all sweet and innocent. She’s filth. Just look at that picture and I think you’ll agree.

8. Lola Bunny form Space Jam. 1996

Yep, another rabbit. But this time the fuckability factor is off the scale. Bugs is a lucky fella indeed. Whereas Clover from Watership Down was sexy in a rabbit next door kinda way, Lola is just a cock hound. In a good way. And by the way Warner Brothers, if you don't want sick bastards like myself to get a stiffy over your family friendly films, DONT give rabbits PERT TITS. Its torture I tells ya. TORTURE



9. Princess Bala from Antz. 1998

This is getting weird. I now have sexual feeling towards a fucking ant. But who can blame me? It doesn’t help that she was voiced by UBER-MILF Sharon Stone. That's enough to give any chap a formidable trouser-tent. This was a toss-up between Bala and Azteca but she was voiced by Jennifer Lopez and I CAN’T FUCKING STAND HER. Also, It pisses me off that Woody Allen always ends up with the fit bird / ant. As if. Regardless, Antz is insect porn of the highest order.

10. Gloria from Happy Feet. 2006

Er. I haven’t seen this film yet but I have seen the trailers and I fear that if I do watch it I will have to pause it halfway through, tell the wife that I need the “toilet”, then pull my pudding till its sore. I love penguins you see. Who doesn’t? But a penguin voiced by Brittany Murphy will plunge me into all manner of penguin related depravities. Penguin porn? Is that so wrong? Of course not. It won the fucking Oscar as well over Monster House which was fucking mint. Why did it win? Because the academy all have penguin issues and sexy penguins will win everytime. Fact. I’m off to Blockbusters to rent the motherfucker.

Orlando Bloom: Episode 1 UPDATED

Right. The war has truly begun. This is probably old news but apparently our Orly was spotted talking to Superman Returns producers Mindy and Jon Peters and director Bryan Singer a couple of weeks ago. This is a very bad sign indeed. But let me just say that if Bryan Singer does cast Bloom in the next Superman film as, God forbid, General Zod, I will personally hunt the midget fuck down and place a very jaggedy shard of Kryptonite right up his jacksy. Which he’ll probably enjoy.

Orlando Bloom: Episode 1

We love Orlando Bloom here on this site. Sorry, that's a typo. I think it is glaringly obvious that DasGeordie and myself can’t stand the little runt. Now, I’m sure as a person he’s very nice, pays his bills and stuff and loves his Mum and shit and I have no problem with that whatsoever. I’m not a monster. No, what I do object to however is how outrageously successful he has become in recent years. Why you ask?.....THE LITTLE PRICK CANNOT ACT. FACT.

Directors seem to be falling over themselves these days to get Bloom onboard their films. Cameron Crowe, Wolfgang Petersen and Ridley Scott are ALL in the dock for letting the scrawny fuck-nugget “act” in their films. Ridley Scott should be serving back to backs for putting him in two, yes TWO fucking films. Black Hawk was very much let down by the fact that Doorlando was allowed to utter even one syllable in that otherwise fine film. My ring-piece can produce a better American accent.

I can’t stand actors like him. Middle class wannabe motherfuckers who were clearly born with a massive silver spoon up their clinker boxes. No talent whatsoever, but an endless resource of funds to get them through whatever wanky ‘Performance Arts’ academy they choose to attend.

“Mummy, I want to be an actor when I grow up. Like Olivier and shit”

“No problem son. You have zero acting abilities but we are fucking minted. RADA ok for ya Orlie?”

It should be no secret that the only reason he is successful is because he is a HEART-THROB and NOT because he can act. Little girls cream their cacks at the mere mention of Broom. Apparently, he is “well fit” and “dreamy”. Please. Do you really think the Pirates of the Fucking Caribbean films would have been half as successful if Orlando’s character had instead been played by, say, Steve Buscemi. No. Of course fucking not. Prepubescent girls poured into the cinemas to watch those films and not for the fucking storyline either. Whenever an important piece of exposition was being given, these squealing drones would probably be texting their friends with shit like “Orlie iz soooo hnky in ths flm :)” I hate cunty text speak as well by the way.


It's exactly the same reason that Titanic did so well. Not for the story and certainly not for the acting. No, it had crossover appeal. The lads went to see all the people drown and the girls went to see DiCaprio get sweaty in a car park. Its not fucking rocket science. I am also aware that Johnny Depp had a lot to do with the success of the Pirates films but my thoughts on that have been made crystal in an earlier post which can be found here

The only thing I can stomach Gloom in is the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Partly because I love those films and partly because they are the only films in which his brand of stilted, wooden, shitty “acting” don't seem to grind too much due to the nature of his character and the silly dialogue he has to utter. See, its not all bad is it Orlando Bloom fans?

Anyway, enough of the flattery.

Here are some GENUINE quotes from the man himself just to emphasise what a COMPLETE RIM JIMMY he is.

"Aged nine, I had this girlfriend, and we used to have running races in the park to see who would be her boyfriend for the day. I wanted to be like Superman and fly in and rescue her. Once I realised Superman was an actor, I thought, 'That's for me.” TWAT!

"I know how lucky I am. I've no complaints about the work." Er, I have mate. Plenty fucking slots.

"You have to be quite serious about tattoos [because] they're there forever." Thanks for that Professor Bloom. And here I was just about to tattoo CUNT on my forehead. Phew!

On being in love in general: "I'm in love with love. It's heavenly when you're falling for someone and you can't stop thinking about her." FUCK OFF!

"I always feel like a pirate." Maybe so, but you can’t fucking ACT LIKE ONE.

"I'm rather accident-prone, I have to admit. I've broken my back, my ribs, my nose, both my legs, my arm, my wrist, a finger and a toe and cracked my skull three times” Try your neck next time please. Clumsy bastard.

"It's a bit strange to be included in those sexiest people polls and all that sort of thing. I don't really even know who I'm up against!” Er. Steve Buscemi?

"If life isn't about humanity, then tell me what it's about, because I'd love to know." ??????????

Check IMDB if you don’t believe those quotes by the way.

And what’s up with that STUPID FUCKING NAME? I’d rather be called Legolas Greenleaf. Apparently, his friends call him ‘Orlie’ or ‘OB’. Makes him sound like a fucking Teletubby. Which he is actually. Eh oh!

His films will always make a shitload of cash because the studios are unbelievably cynical and they know he has the ‘Bush Vote’ so they will continue to put him in Summer tent pole films until he eventually comes out of the closet and shatters the hopes of millions of deluded fans. Mind you, ‘Kingdom of Heaven’ flopped. I know plenty of people that won’t watch that film simply because Borlie is in it. Nice one Ridley. Even old Bloomfeld couldn’t get millions of pantie-pissers to go see a three hour bore-a-thon about the crusades. Ha!

Well, I’m going to have a breather. I have lots more to say on this subject but I shall write it all in due course. Feel free to email me with anything you particularly dislike about Poorly and I will mention them in my next post. And if there are any genuine fans out there reading this, please may I direct you to the Orlando Bloom Fan Club link we have kindly supplied.

DasGeordie's Man Crush: Eric Bana

	CHOPPER Not his most attractive role, after gaining all that weight, brandishing that threatening 'tache and just generally be a psychopathic mentalist of the highest order. The utter genius of his watching politely as his so-called best friend stabs him several times and just calmly asking him to stop perfectly encapsulates what a fruit loop Mark "Chopper" Read is. It's not glorifying criminals like American film-makers do, this is just your average Aussie shit-kicking hill-billy who likes shooting people in the knee-caps with a shot-gun. The comedy elements detract from the manliness. You're definitely not supposed to be in awe of him, but you kinda love the cheeky fucktard. MANLINESS: 4/5 CRUSHLINESS: 2/5 OVERALL: 3/5
	BLACK HAWK DOWN Even though he's playing a character called "Hoot", this is almost Bana's most manliest role to date. A member of the elite Delta Force, he makes the pretty fucking rock-solid Army Rangers look like pussies. For example, when being told off by one of the Army Rangers for his weapon safety procedures, this conversation occurs: STEELE: Now Delta or no-Delta, that's still a hot weapon. Your safety should be on at all times. HOOT: This is my safety, sir. (He holds up his index finger) None More Manly. This film is pure war-porn and totally flagrant about it. I remember being in awe in the cinema at the sound the choppers make buzzing the rooftops with those FUCKING HUGE chain-guns - and I literally got a semi. I remember how readily I bought into the "Leave no man behind" line and wished I had a career where Leaving People Behind was something I had to worry about. I remember wanting to fucking join the Delta Force, but realising in reality they get their asses handed to them by the SAS eight ways to Sunday most of the time. Eric Bana is a one-man killing machine and he makes me hard. MANLINESS: 6/5 CRUSHLINESS: 4/5 OVERALL: 5/5
	FINDING NEMO I have never got a semi watching a cartoon. No, not even the wife out of the Jetsons.
	HULK I am a comics nerd. I completely have no shame in this. I eat, sleep and breathe American comic-books. At some point I will do a MAN CRUSH: BATMAN and not even the film version. I don't want to bum Batman, really, he is just the epitome of manliness. YES, I KNOW HE'S NOT REAL, SHIT-BRICK. Hulk is one of those characters who has never really been done well and I had high hopes for Ang Lee's version, even though it turned out to be overly ponderous, missing-the-point nonsense most of the time. Eric Bana, as always, was one of the best things in it. The real best things in it, though, were Jennifer Connelly's Left and Jennifer Connelly's Right. As a nerdy scientist, Bana loses major man crush points. At one point he rides a bike wearing a helmet my mum would be ashamed to wear. However, he turns into a huge monster and throws tanks - MANLY! But he is green and kinda funky looking and I bet he smells of wet dogs. So not very manly. MANLINESS: 10/5 CRUSHLINESS: -3/5 OVERALL: 3.5/5
	TROY Now, with the recent renaissance of Spartan-based interest after 300, you might be tempted to revisit TROY - DON'T. It is a steaming pile of turgid cellu-shite with only one redeeming quality, Eric Bana. Brad Pitt is far too much of a pretty boy who struts around like he owns the place, Eric Bana is the guy who actually does everything, doesn't want any thanks and is double-plus hard. His double-plus hardness is only amplified by the walking jizz-sack that is Orlando Bloom, who plays his brother. This cocky, would-blow-away-in-a-breeze cunt hides behind his brother throughout the film, eventually getting him killed. Example dialogue between Hector, played by Bana, and Paris, played by Bloom. PARIS: Do you love me, brother? Will you protect me from any enemy? HECTOR: Last time you spoke to me like this you were 10 years old and you'd just stolen Fathers horse, what have you done now? You already want to kill the fuck-head and that's not even because he's causing his brother shit. He has breached the cardinal rule of Bro's Before Ho's in a highly literal sense. Some bitch comes round and brings an army after her and you expect your brother to lay down his life so you can get some pussy? TOUGH SHIT, COCK-HOUND. If Hector had been a real man he would have told the whiny cunt to give up the minge or go fight his own battles. But no, he steps out and puts up a good fight before dying for a stupid cause - a woman. Idiot. MANLINESS: 4 CRUSHLINESS: 4 OVERALL: 4
	MUNICH Not only is this a Fucking Mint Film, but you actually see Bana BECOMING a fucking pure specimen of manliness. Well, before he becomes a pure specimen of Severely Fucked-Up Manliness. However - finding his best mate dead, naked in his hotel room and weeping openly... Then travelling half the world to kill the bitch who did it - that is manly and truly demonstrates what Bro's Before Ho's really means. Bana even manages to rock the seventies chic without looking like a total douche-bag. He also cares for his wife and kids even though he is an off-the-books Israeli government assassin. And let's repeat that "off-the-books Israeli government assassin". There is no job more manly in the world than being an assassin. Well, maybe an astronaut, but only if you're Buck Rogers. I love this film and I love you Stephen Spielberg. MANLINESS: 3 CRUSHLINESS: 4 OVERALL: 3.5

Bana's upcoming roles include a hot-shot poker player, Henry The Motherfucking Eighth and a detective tracking a serial killer. Pretty fucking manly. (Yes, I'm completely ignoring his playing Romulus because I guess I'm going to completely ignore that shit-sack of a film) So I'm sure I can update this list in ten years time after I've given it a lot more thought and he will be Just As Manly and Just As Much On My Man Crush List. But I'm not gay or owt.

In Defence Of THE SANTA CLAUSE Trilogy

Crabman is a miserable, child-hating pedalo for insulting my favourite Christmas-based, not-starring-Bruce Willis trilogy of films. THE SANTA CLAUSE is a sublime update of the welcoming childhood figure of, erm, Santa. The fact that it's based on a pun title shouldn't convince you to brush over it or ignore it as a one-trick pony. It's FAR from that. Tim Allen's over-the-top comedic performance allows him to do what he does best - dance around like a prat and make that sound like a chainsaw starting-up he thinks is comedy laughter.

The invocation of other childhood tales, such as the Tooth Fairy or Cupid, is a brilliant, almost Gaiman-esque plot introduction that brings a whole new level to the saga. If you imagine these films as an almost SANTA BEGINS revamp of the mythos, making it more relevant for kids today. This Santa isn't a fictional Saint, he's just a father trying to bring up his troublesome kid. The second film also introduces us to the MILF-tastic Elizabeth Mitchell, who later went on to star as Juliet in the confused TV show LOST. She completely legitimises you rubbing Rudolf's nose over Mrs Clause. Yes, mum, that is frosting on my bedroom window. Honest.

Also, THE SANTA CLAUSE 2 features one of Allen's standout performances as evil robot santa. He's solely interested in the letter of the law and becomes obsessed with sapping the joy out of Christmas. This is very close to what I become around December the 7th. I am not a robot facsimile of a fictional character beloved by children, but I can really make those around me HATE ME FOR A MONTH. Did you know more people commit suicide around Christmas than any other time of the year? It was obviously because they never got to see THE SANTA CLAUSE movies.

I have yet to see the third in the trilogy as I don't like to watch them any other time of the year than at Christmas. It's traditional, right? But I'm very excited about the addition of Martin Short - a man who made INNERSPACE, the quintessential 80s sci-fi movie about things that are smaller than they used to be. His ouevre of work post-INNERSPACE speaks for itself, so I'll not mention it here. But I'm sure he turns in an utterly charming low-key villain performance at least on a par with Jim Carrey's cuntiest role ever, The Riddler. To say I was awaiting this hopefully-not-final entry into the saga would be putting it lightly. I am ANXIOUSLY awaiting it. So up yours, Crabman! Let Santa into your heart. And Mrs Clause into your wank-bank.

Wild Hogs Couldn't Drag Me To See It

Thanks a lot William H Macy. You’ve made me look a proper twat. In an earlier post regarding the Oscars, I blew so much sunshine up your arse it was tantamount to sucking your dick and then you went and made the clearly unwise decision to star in this months WILD HOGS. Now, I know it is a cardinal rule to never talk about or review films you haven’t seen but I may just go out on a limb here. IT WILL BE FUCKING AWFUL. I’ve only seen the trailer on TV and that was enough to have me throwing shit at the screen like some demented baboon. But I have read the reviews and low and behold.....ALL SHIT.

I understand that some actors make these shit-fests for the money so that they can then go on to do smaller independent fare with respected directors but this is taking the piss. Actually, its not. Macy also starred in the Psycho remake but that's another rant that will be forthcoming. Its not going to be pretty mind.

I do have a pretty good idea, however, that Macy will be the best thing in WILD HOGS. But that's kinda like saying that Hitler was the best Nazi during WW2. He will be the best thing in that film for 3 reasons:

1. Tim Allen. What an absolute grade ‘A’ cum guzzler of the highest order. Have you seen the crap that he makes? If it wasn’t bad enough that we had to endure ‘The Santa Clause’, he had to go and make another 2 of the fucking things. That is a trilogy sent directly from the belly of hell. Allen really should be back on TV where he belongs. At least then I wouldn’t have to see his bloated, fat, fucking face on the big screen again putting me off my hot dog. Anyone emailing me with Toy Story excuses will be named and shamed.
   
   
2. John Travolta. Yes, we all know that he was mint in ‘Pulp Fiction’ and yeesssss, we all thought ‘Face Off’ was a modern action classic and ‘Get Shorty’ was quite good but apart from those three films I really am struggling to come up with more reasons as to why we needed a TRAVOLTA COMEBACK. If anyone reading this can come up with some you are welcome to email them in. But you're WRONG. “Oh, but..but....Broken Arrow was class wasn’t it” Er, no. It had its moments but Travolta hams it up like a motherfucker and ruins it. He overacts ALL THE FUCKING TIME. “But.....but....but....Battlefield Earth was misunderstood” If you have ever said that line please get off this site RIGHT FUCKING NOW because you are either a Scientologist or a CUNT. This was meant to be a short post so I will stop with the Travolta bashing but I will be back. Oh yes.
   
   
3. Martin Lawrence. I’ll start off by saying that the only two films that I like with Lawrence in are the Bad Boys films. Throwaway action films sure, but they do exactly what you want from the action genre. And they do them well. However, apart from those, Lawrence just appears in MASSIVE TURDS and plays the same fucking character in EVERY FILM. Except of course when he puts on a hilarious fat suit for the ‘Big Momma’s House’’ films, of which there are TWO. Brace yourself for another unholy trilogy. Sorry, but Martin Lawrence is an irritating twat with the acting range of a carrot.

So there you have it. If you are thinking of going to see WILD HOGS this weekend you are either retarded or the Antichrist. Either way you will be one of the many idiots responsible for this film making money and therefore giving the studios more incentive to continue to make SHIT FILMS. Shame on you. Oh, and just to make things worse, WILD HOGS beat David Fincher’s sublime ‘Zodiac’ to number one at the U.S. box office last weekend. Nice one. Fucking idiots.

Crabman's Man Crush: Christian Bale

	AMERICAN PSYCHO This is the fist time that I really stood up and paid attention to Bale. I had already read the book and was waiting with baited breath for the film. I had a very definite image in my head of what Patrick Bateman looked and acted like and low and behold he looked exaxctly like the man in question. Bateman is a vain man. He cares more about his looks and the texture of his business cards than the poor fuckers he winds up axing in the head and yet Bale always makes him appealing. So much so that I was achieving significant wood a mere 20 minutes into the film. The man is lethal in this film and yet I still went home after the performance and maintained said wood for a good week afterwards. Bravo. MANLINESS: 3/5 CRUSHLINESS: 4/5 OVERALL: 3.5/5
	THE MACHINIST This is a towering performance from a method man showing his acting chops in a way only Orlando fucking Bloom could dream about. I was really looking forward to this film. I had read about Bale’s weight loss and that it enhanced the mood of the piece significantly. However, as a big Bale fan, I was a little letdown. Not by the film. It’s a great film. Not a problem there. But the weight loss caught me a little off guard and I have to say I couldn't even manage a semi whilst watching it. He was proper fucking creepy in it to say the least. But great too obviously. Being Christian Bale and all. Have a pie mate and bring some sexy back. MANLINESS: 1/5 CRUSHLIESS: -5/5 OVERALL: -4/5
	EMPIRE OF THE SUN Good film but probably best not to go there.
	EQUILIBRIUM This film is fucking kick ass. I loved it. It really deserved more credit than was given. Gun-Kata. Ace! I even went so far as to say that the end fight sequence where Bale kills what seems to be 1000 people is actually a better action sequence than the lobby fight in The Matrix (complaints to the usual email address please). But it is Christian that makes this film work and indeed believable. His cleric is awesome. A double hard, treble fuck you bad ass motherfucker. He can kill a room full of people... in THE FUCKING DARK FOR FUCKS SAKE. Thats worth a twitch at least. MANLINESS: 5/5 CRUSHLINESS: 3/5 OVERALL: 4/5
	CAPTAIN CORELLIS MANDOLIN Shit film based on a fucking boring book starring Nicholas bastard Cage and Penelope ‘should have stayed with Tom’ Cruz. Duller than listening to a radio play of Attack of the Clones but it does have Christian Bale in it and by God is he manly in this. I wouldn’t recommend this film to anyone unless the mere sight of Bale gave them a warm glow down below. Again, a shit film but it has some great shots of Christian with his top off. Two thumbs up! MANLINESS: 3/5 CRUSHLINESS: 4.5/5 OVERALL: 4/5
	For my final choice I literally had to invent a new category for my end scoring so please excuse me if you get a little confused.
	BATMAN BEGINS Where do I even begin with this selection. I love Batman. I always have. But I felt the previous TV and film incarnations lacked something. I couldn’t really put my finger on it until I saw Begins and then I figured it out. I didn’t really want to fuck any of the other Batmans. Let alone all the other Bruce Waynes. Now, please bear in mind that I am not gay. Not in the slightest. But I wanted to fuck Bale. Right up the Batcave. Bale is so perfect for this role it is a testament to Christopher Nolan that he picked him. I remember saying to a friend way back in 2000 after seeing American Psycho that only Bale could play the Dark knight. And I was bang on. Fuck West. Fuck Keaton. Double fuck Kilmer. Whatever Clooney. None of you can even hold a torch to my man. “SWEAR TO MEEEEE!!!!” No problem, Christian. Here goes. I think you're fucking mint, mate. Fucking aces. Top fucking notch. Fancy a fuck? The Dark Knight cometh. And so will I probably MANLINESS: 10/5 CRUSHLINESS: 1062/5 HARD ON LEVEL: ROCK!!! OVERALL: 1,000,000/5

Oh, and by the way, I’m not gay or owt so you can stop your fucking sniggering.

Taking Out The Crash

I heard all the plaudits, saw the SOON TO BE RECEIVING LOTS OF AWARDS, TRUST US TV ads and spent months having everybody tell me how good it looked, so I went to see CRASH with mi'lady when it got its cinema release. I knew next to nothing at all about the script, the story, what happened, etc - a rarity in this day-and-age of internet spoilerage. All I knew was it was Paul Haggis and DUE SOUTH was one of my favourite TV shows of all time. Several episodes made me cry. I mean, cry in a really manly way at the bit where the mountie kills those inuit to death with a caribou antler.

I was quite excited at the prospect of seeing something new and unspoilt. I mean, I can write out the fucking script to Spider-man 3 right now if you want and it's not on release for another couple of weeks. And whilst I thought it was a well-made script and had some work-a-day direction that relied on slow-motion and female choirs to Present Importance... It also helped teach me several valuable lessons about modern society:-

1. If you're a man subjugated and put-upon because of your race for your entire career as a TV producer in a largely white middle-class male environment - go holler at some cops and join in with some random street-based destruction in the ghetto and everything will be right as rain. All that money, chance to create, nice house and car is nothing if you can't wig out and set fire to a car every now and again.
   
   
2. If you're a wealthy upper-class white bitch who nobody likes, the only people who will ever like you will be the ones you PAY to be there. Yes, Magic Negro Maid Services will now deliver to your door. It doesn't matter if you're a racist bitch eleven times out of ten, the stupid cunt who scrubs your shoes will forgive you for it (Or say nothing for fear of being reported to immigration).
   
   
3. If you're a black man who achieves great success as a detective, gets out of a rough neighbourhood, leaves behind your drug-habit-having mother, your car-jacking brother and do your damndest to help anybody and not cut any corners - you should have just stayed where you are, because nobody likes a black man who does well and will treat you like a deserting shit for your entire life. Also, you should never ever appear in a film and try to do a Cockney accent, you fucking twat.
   
   
4. If you're a car-jacker who only steals from white people thereby fulfilling all white people's secret hopes that black people are racist too, all it takes is one Life-Changing Meeting (TM) with another angry black man and you'll change your ways and become a crazy humanitarian, risking life and limb to save others. This also works if you're a gold-jacker in the Gulf War and have a Life-Changing Meeting with some crazy middle-easterners.
   
   
5. If you're a man who makes up stupid stories about magic cloaks that stop bullets, you have to know that within the next day or so some fucker is gonna get shot. You might as well have hung a big "Shoot Me, Fools!" sign around your neck. It's bad enough if you tell this story to a grown adult, but to tell it to an impressionable child who'll think, "Well, daddy made me a magic invisible bulletproof vest and he wouldn't lie to me. I mean, that Santa shit was maybe a bit cold, but NOT THIS." is retarded.
   
   
6. If you get mistaken for an Iraqi/Islamic/Towelhead/Generic Middle-Easterner, the best way to avoid stereotyping yourself and thereby fanning the flames of hatred you're trying to avoid is flaunt your ignorance and then shoot the guy who tries to save you - THAT'LL TEACH US!
   
   
7. If you're a bleeding-heart do-gooder white man, it doesn't matter what you do, life will always make you into a murdering bigot. Yes, god hates you because you put your career and all your friendships on the line to help out a poor black man. Also because the white middle-class viewership wants to have their secret hopes fulfilled that you shouldn't really help the black people cos they'll just trick you into killing them and you'll go to jail. The tricksy black folk! (PS - Or maybe you were a racialist all along. Irony!)
   
   
8. If you're a bigoted white man who's shown no remorse at the way he treats black people, simply earn your reward in heaven by doing your job and rescuing a black woman who will love you FOREVER! Despite the fact you're only doing your job and would in fact have been punished for LETTING A WOMAN BURN TO DEATH. Oh, and you can treat anybody like shit if you've got a disabled family-member, because bigotry against the disabled is FAAAAAR worse.
   
   
9. If you want to go see a film about racism for middle-class white people, go rent CRASH.
   
   
10. If you ever want to have sex again, do not spend an hour post-film explaining these points to a girl who obviously enjoyed it, you never-knowing-when-to-be-quiet motherfucker.

And inevitably this film went on to win the 2006 Oscar for Best Film, Best Use Of Unsubtle Racism Commentary, Best Use of Sandra Bullock Swearing, Most Poor Use Of Thandie Newton Where We Can't See Any Hint Of Tit, Second Best Film Starring Ryan Phillipe and Best Way To Upset Over-thinking White People On Behalf of Black People. I'm not black, never have been, but that shouldn't stop me from commenting on perceived racism of ANY KIND. And this film wound me up something rotten. Even those who enjoyed it must see some of the mixed messages being sent out. And I still love DUE SOUTH, Mr Haggis. And I was only kidding about the manly crying, I'm a big crying lady man really.

Oscar The Grouch

Well, its about fucking time. Martin Scorcese finally won a best director oscar for ‘The Departed’ at the 2007 Academy Awards. I love that fucking film. It’s not his best film by quite a long shot but he deserves an oscar nonetheless due to the fact that he has been so royally shafted in the past. The blokes not exactly a spring chicken either and he was in serious danger of popping his fucking clogs before he got the chance to get a hold of one of those golden bad boys. Or worse still, get a shitty lifetime achievement award which is basically just another reason to get your will in order.

And if anyone reading this thought that ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ should have won for best picture you are either a COMPLETE MORON or a FUCKING STUDENT. “Oh, but I just lurrrve quirky independent comedies”. FUCK OFF. You make me want to puke my guts up. Give me a bad ass mob movie any day of the week. Alan Arkin won for best supporting actor for that wanky movie over Mark Wahlberg for The Departed. At least Wahlberg’s character said “cunt” all the time instead of just being one.

That was just one of the many erroneous decisions the academy has made since the awards began but here is a list of my top ten ‘Oscar Travesties’ made since the year of my birth. 1973.

Deep Breath...

1. Julianne Moore (Boogie Nights) losing Best Supporting Actress to Kim Basinger (LA Confidential). 1997.
   
   I shouldn’t really have to explain this one. LA Confidential is a fucking great film but Basinger is not great in it. Fact. She’s OK. With a HUGE fucking emphasis on OK. Now, I might get a lot of shit for this but her performance is...dare I say it.....a bit dull. There I’ve said it. Now if you compare her OK performance with Julianne Moore’s staggering tour de force in Boogie Nights you should reach a similar conclusion. If you dont, you are a massive tool that probably enjoyed Little Miss Sunshine. GET FUCKED. Moore’s range in that movie simply defies belief. That is the key word here. RANGE. Of which Basinger displays FUCK ALL. The Academy should be fucking ashamed of themselves. To make up for this heinous travesty, Basinger was at least struck with the OSCAR CURSE and went on to make one shitty film after another. And don’t palm me off with 8 Mile either. And to make matters worse, she still had to endure another 5 years of marriage to Alec Baldwin. JUSTICE.
   
   
2. Johnny Depp being nominated for Pirates of the Fucking Caribbean. 2004.
   
   Again, I might get some grief for this but I don’t give a shit. Does anyone really believe that Depp’s moronic fucking performance in that overrated piece of shit deserves to be in the same room as Sean Penn’s nuanced acting master class in Mystic river? If so, then listen to me carefully. YOU ARE A TOTAL JIZZ JUGGLER. Or a woman. Get a grip of your deluded little self and shake yourself shitless. Depp simply does a third rate “I’m a bit pissed, me” impersonation and acts “a bit weird”. For nearly THREE FUCKING HOURS. Remember what I said earlier about range? Johnny Depp is a fine actor with plenty of the aforementioned but his Captain Jack Sparrow is a stupid, irritating, grindingly repetitive fuck-nut and fucking lame to boot. Yes, I know he didn’t win the fucking thing but he shouldn’t have been there in the first place. ARSEHOLE. At least it wasn’t Orlando Bloom that got the nod. Don’t even get me started on that cunt.
   
   
3. Pulp Fiction and The Shawshank Redemption losing out to... FORREST GUMP. 1995.
   
   I’m pretty sure I am not alone on this one and it has been talked about before but I’m gonna stick my oar in here. I HATE FORREST GUMP. It’s a fucking awful film. Sugary, sentimental, flag waving shit of the highest order. Robert Zemeckis went way down in my estimation after watching that turgid skidmark of a film.
   
   “Lahf is like a bahx of charcalates. Ya never know whatcha gonna get”
   
   I fucking do mate. I’m going to get Tom Hanks acting like an ‘off the shelf’ retard who is about as endearing as cancer of the piss-flaps.
   
   “Run, Forrest. Run”
   
   Yes. In front of a speeding articulated lorry please.
   
   I not exactly sure what direction Zemeckis gave Hanks for his performance but I imagine it went something like this.
   
   Zemeckis: Hi Tom. First day on set is pretty exciting huh?
   
   Hanks: Sure is Bob. Say, have you figured out exactly how you want me to play out Forrest? He’s kinda kooky huh? But a would-be American icon.
   
   Zemeckis. Sure have Tom. Just act like a massive cunt.
   
   Hanks: Gotcha!
   
   Now, I would have been pissed off if a film that I LIKED won best picture instead of Pulp Fiction or Shawshank but this was TOTALLY FUCKING UNACCEPTABLE. I don’t need to explain how magnificent both Pulp and Shawshank are. The latter regularly gets top billing as peoples favourite film of all time and Pulp reinvented modern cinema. What did Gump do? Oh yeah, it made me want to kill Tom Hanks. Horribly. The only rational explanation I can think of for giving that film best picture is that the academy panel consists of like minded retards that thought the film “really spoke to them”. ARSEHOLES!
   
   
   
   
   
   
4. Cuba Gooding Jnr (Jerry Maguire) beating William H Macy (Fargo) for Best Supporting Actor. 1996.
   
   Did the academy even watch Fargo? Obviously not. William H Macy is unbelievably good in that film. Truly great. He is an actors actor. One of the very best actors of his generation. His Jerry Lundergard is one of cinemas great losers. A truly pathetic human being doing unspeakable things to his own wife and yet Macy seems to make him likeable. Sympathetic even. Take a bow sir and get your acceptance speech ready.
   
   “SHOW ME THE MONEY!”
   
   Er, did I just hear that correctly? Please God, NOOOOOO!!!
   
   The Academy really went too fucking far with this one. Let me be as blunt as possible. Cuba Gooding Jnr is A MASSIVE OVERACTING BELL-END. Did you get that at the back? His performance in Jerry Maguire is so far detached from the real world it is not even funny. His Rod Tidwell is an irritating twat. People like him don’t exist and if they did they should be shot on sight. If | was William H Macy, I would have stormed the stage that Oscar night and beaten the blubbering little shit to death with his own statuette. I imagine Macy studies Jerry Maguire everyday trying to work out how this happened. Its simple mate. The academy always favours sentiment over quality. Fact. It still hurts doesn’t it?
   
   But, thank the lord, because what did Gooding decide to do with his new found adoration? He made an endless stream of shitty films including Pearl Harbour, Chill Factor, Rat Race and my favourite... BOAT TRIP!. Way to piss away your career mate. He is currently starring in numerous straight to video shitfests and is probably studying Jerry Maguire trying to work out why things have gone so terribly wrong. HA!
   
   
   
   
   
   
5. Goodfellas losing Best Picture to Dances with Wolves. 1990.
   
   Another fine example of sentiment over quality. I’m not saying that Dances with Wolves is a bad film. It’s too dull to be bad. And long. MY GOD ITS LONG. I was checking my watch before the titles came up. Did it really need to be 3 fucking hours long? Costner gets sent to a remote outpost during the civil war and gets pally with some Indians and a bunch of fucking mutts and the military gets a bit miffed about the whole thing. 80 minutes tops. Whereas I didn’t want Goodfellas to end. It could be 5 hours long and I would still be glued to the screen. Giving Wolves the best picture over Goodfellas is basically saying that Kevin Costner is a better director than MARTIN SCORCESE. He's not. Not by a long fucking stretch. Goodfellas is an absolute masterpiece. There is not one single frame that isn’t perfect. Acting, direction, music, editing. All top notch. Whereas Wolves has something inherrently wrong with it before you even sit down to be bored shitless. KEVIN COSTNER IS IN IT. Simple really. I still haven’t forgiven him for giving Robin Hood an American accent. LAZY CUNT!
   
   
6. Fight Club winning fuck all. 2000.
   
   This one upsets me more than most. Another bona fide masterpiece overlooked by people who don’t understand modern cinema. Fight Club is an era defining film. It was a 10.000 watt electric jump start to a new millennium perfectly capturing the mood of our time. It is an expertly crafted mix of dark humour and satire made by a director on the top of his game and impeccably acted by Hollywoods new method men. It is, in short, PERFECT. Sound like a film worth rewarding?
   
   Er, apparently not.
   
   The academy excelled itself by being even more out of touch than normal. They only nominated Fight Club for best sound editing if memory serves and it DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING WIN THAT. What a bunch of clueless RIM JIMMYS. It should have been nominated in every single category and WON EVERY FUCKING CATEGORY. Yes, yes, we all think American Beauty is a decent film but honestly, give me a fucking break. The Cider House Rules, The Talented Mr Ripley and Being John fucking Malkovich all got nods. Are they yanking my fucking junk with that shit? GET FUCKED!
   
   
7. Taxi Driver losing Best Picture to Rocky. 1976.
   
   Tricky one this because I actually quite like Rocky. But, lets be honest, its not in the same fucking league as Taxi Driver. Sentiment over Quality? Of course, but I wont go on too much about this one because anybody with a modicum of film knowledge would agree with me. If not, GO FUCK YOUR MOTHER!
   
   
   
   
   
   
8. Ellen Burstyn (Requiem for a Dream) losing Best Actress to Julia Big Gob Roberts (Erin Fucking Brokovich). 2001.
   
   Let me say this outright. JULIA ROBERTS IS OVERRATED. Badly. I’m still struggling to comprehend how she managed to get this award. Oh yeah, triumph over adversity. Blah, blah, fucking blah. You can fuck right off with that shit. Erin Brokovich is a chick flick. At best. I dont know what the fuck Steven Soderbergh was thinking when he agreed to direct A CHICK FLICK with JULIA ROBERTS IN IT! What an arsehole. Roberts might have given a career defining performance but that's only because she was SHIT IN EVERYTHING ELSE BEFOREHAND.
   
   Ellen Burstyn on the other hand is awesome in everything she does (The Wicker Man remake was NOT her fault so don’t even try that shit) but she still managed to raise the bar and excel herself in Requiem for a Dream. It is a performance that will stay with you forever. Its a descent into madness played out by an actress who just keeps getting better with age. She managed to make me cry numerous times during the film unlike Roberts who makes me want to cry ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Pretty Woman. FUCK OFF. Notting Hill. JEEEESUS! Hardly The Exorcist are they. And to make that night even more nauseating she cried all the way through her acceptance speech. Never before had the awards needed a fucking sniper in the balconies more. Burstyn was robbed that night. I remember being furious at the time. I still am actually. Just in case you hadn’t noticed.
   
   
   
   
   
   
9. E.T. losing Best Picture and Best Director to Ghandi. 1983.
   
   I know what I want from movies. I want to be transported to other worlds. I want to be thrilled. I want to laugh. I want to cry. I want to be made to think. I DO NOT WANT TO BE BORED SHITLESS. Buts that's exactly what Ghandi does. But lets be honest, it was obvious it would sweep the bored, sorry, board, back in 1983. It had Oscar written all over it and I think Richard Attenbrough knew that from the beginning. CYNICAL OLD SHIT KICKER.
   
   E.T. was and still is everything that is wonderful about cinema. It did all the things that I want from a film and then some. Spielberg is a master of populist cinema. He knows how to push our emotional buttons and he was on form with E.T. It is a timeless, beautiful film that I will always be very fond of but Ghandi is A BORING PIECE OF SHIT. So, what the fuck?
   
   Ah yes! Triumph over adversity. I honestly thought E.T. was in with a decent chance because, and lets be honest, it is incredibly sentimental but it is made with such brilliance that you dont mind. Like i said, it still makes me cry without making me feel like a pillock.
   
   The academy lost sight of what great cinema is all about that night. And I will never forgive the fuckers for it. CUNTS!
   
   
10. Titanic winning 11 OSCARS!!!!!! 1998.
    
    This will be brief. TITANIC IS RUBBISH. Face it. I only went to see it at the cinema because I wanted to see the fucking thing sink. I didn’t particularly want to see the 2 hours of turgid love story bollocks that preceded said sinking. Plus, James Cameron turned into an even bigger prick than he already was the night he stepped onto the stage grabbing his Oscars pronouncing “I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD!”
    
    No, your’e not James. You are a COMPLETE WANKER. And what did Cameron do next to make us all believe that he was the cinematic king of the world? FUCK ALL! He made numerous shitty documentaries about.....wait for it.......THE TITANIC. Get a fucking room you weirdo.
    
    Yes, you may have given us The Terminator, Aliens, True Lies and The Abyss but that does not stop you from being a complete megalomaniac , serial divorcing, beardy CUNT!

Anyone who even remotely disagrees with this list can feel my wrath via the medium of electronic mail and anyone who has so-called valid points to make can FUCK OFF.

The Phantom Letdown

I remember the exact words that came out of my mouth the moment I left the cinema with five of my not so nerdy friends just after seeing The Phantom Menace for the first time on opening day. Those words were “Now THAT'S what I call a movie!” Those words would come back to haunt me and indeed still continue to haunt me. I’ll try to explain.

I was so excited when George Lucas announced that he would be making more Star Wars films. Three movies to be exact, that would chart the rise and fall of Anakin Skywalker. I, like millions of other fans, would have the chance to relive our childhoods and I did. A bit too much. I spent the six months before the release of Episode 1 thinking of nothing else but Star Wars. I was spending all my money on merchandise much to the worry of my friends and family. I didn’t care. “Fuck em” I’d say “you don’t get Star Wars”. Looking back they may have had good cause to worry. I was 26 in 1999 and there I was buying T-shirts, posters, action figures, pez dispensers, toy lightsabres and stickers for my Episode 1 sticker album. Yes, that's right. FUCKING STICKERS FOR A FUCKING STICKER ALBUM. But, I was like a pig in shit and didn’t care how hopelessly sad I seemed to all around me.

I spent the day before release round my mates house boring ten shades of shit out him saying things like “It will be bigger than Titanic” and “This will be life changing”. Little did I know that those comments would come back to haunt me also.

Opening day arrived and off we went to the cinema. It was the 7pm showing and there was a buzz around the place that managed to get me even more excited and I swear at one point I actually skipped to the cinema entrance. SKIPPED. Again, I repeat that I was a 26 year old man in 1999. While queing for our tickets, I remember people pouring out of an earlier screening and I overheared one bloke saying “I dont know what all the fuss is about” to a friend of his. “He must be gay” I thought as we got our tickets and sat down in the screen. The lights dimmed and I prepared myself for a life defining moment.

We all went for a few beers after the film finished and you couldn’t shut me up. “That was worth waiting 16 years for” and “It’s a perfect film” were some of the choice words that spewed out of my lying face that night. The film came and went and I was left with a serious case of Star Wars cold turkey. Fear not, I thought, it’ll be out on VHS soon and I can watch the pod race until my eyes bleed. I bought it on VHS and then on DVD and I have to say that I have probably seen The Phantom Menace about ten times now and I have reached a decision.

“Now THATS what I call a movie”
“Its a PIECE OF SHIT and Lucas is a talentless, cynical, greedy CUNT”

Both comments were said by me. The first one in 1999 and the second one every day since 2002.

The Phantom Menace is not a movie let alone a star Wars movie. It is a two hour toy commercial that treats its viewer with an almost astronomical level of comtempt. It fails on every level possible and leaves you feeling like you have just watched ten supercomputers puke their guts up. Its awful beyond words. The opening crawl gives you a pretty good insight into just how depressingly bad this film is going to be. Who the fuck cares about trade disputes? This is supposed to be a Star Wars film isn’t it?

“Darth Maul was good though wasn’t he?” some people say. FUCK YOU. “The pod race rocks”. FUCK YOU. “Ewan Mcgregor does a good Alec Guiness impersonation”. FUCK RIGHT OFF. People who still continue to say such things have either had a Lucasfilm lobotomy TM or are complete fucking morons. WAKE UP!

Much has been written about the problems with the film so I won't go into too much detail but here are my top ten things that are wrong about The Phantom Menace.

1. A staggeringly bad script written by someone who is clearly possessed by his cum sack of a throat.
   
   
2. Jake Lloyd. He was in ‘Jingle all the Way’. FUCKING SAYS IT ALL! Whiny little shit. “Are you an angel?” PISS OFF.
   
   
3. The direction. George Lucas’ power has obviously gone to his head if he thinks he can direct. Trust me George, you can’t. So don’t. EVER AGAIN. Fuck off back to Skywalker Ranch and wank off over your many yes men motherfuckers who helped you to make that piece of shit and who at no point sat you down and said “you know George, this film is kinda lame and you really need to make some drastic changes like, maybe THE WHOLE FUCKING CONCEPT” Just because you made billions from merchandise does not give you the right to fuck over the very people who made you a billionaire. TWAT.
   
   
   
   
   
   
4. Midi-Chlorians. I imagine the day that Lucas came up with that idea went thus.
   
   Rick McCallum: How's the script going George?
   
   George Lucas: Great, Rick. I was sitting on the lavvie having a massive shit and something else fell out of my arse. How about if we completely demystify the force by having all Jedis have microscopic lifeforms in them called ‘Midi-chlorians” that help them use the force and stuff. Its proper radical.
   
   Rick: George, you are a bonafied genius. Can I suck your cock?
   
   George: Sure, Rick
   
   
5. CGI. TOO FUCKING MUCH. Why does Lucas insist on such wankfests? Because hes a cunt obviously, but I think the visual effects are really there to distract the viewer from how stupifyingly crap the film is. “Look kids, its R2 doing shit he couldn’t do in the original films” Stick it up your arse George. In fact, some of the so-called special effects are fucking awful. Boss Nass. Shit. The Gungan battle. Reaallllly shit. I could go on but frankly I haven’t got all day.
   
   
6. Darth Vader made C3-PO. Oh, ok George, I’ll buy that. Sure. No problem. After all I am a complete wanker aren’t I. Yeah, really good idea. Love it. I know it makes no sense whatsoever but fuck it. I’ll gobble down as much shit as you can throw at me George because I love you. Can I suck your cock?
   
   
7. The acting. Now, this isn’t really the actor's fault (except for Llloyd obviously). They are mostly all fine actors with plenty of experience and good back catalogues. No, its fucking George’s fault. AGAIN. He wrote a shitty script and then decided to give the actors NO DIRECTION WHATSOEVER except for his famous “Faster, more intense”. What's that shit?
   
   Ewan Mcgregor: Hey George, I’m struggling with the scene when my mentor dies. Where should I be emotionally? It should be a heart-wrenching scene right?
   
   George Lucas: Faster, more intense.
   
   Ewan: But I need mor...
   
   George: I said FASTER, MORE INTENSE. Now fuck off and leave me be. Rick's about to cum all over my back.
   
   Rick McCallum: Faster, more intense.
   
   Hopeless.
   
   
   
   
   
   
8. Yoda. Yes, he was a puppet in the original trilogy but he had character and along with Frank Oz’s great performance you BELIEVED. In this film he is just a puppet. A shit one at that. Whats with that creepy grin? And why is he talking even more absurdly than normal. “Badly written I am.” And he’s a bloody hypocrite. “Too young to train he is”. Fuck off. Luke was probably in his early twenties when you trained him and he turned out alright. “I sense much fear in you.” According to Yoda fear is the pathway to the dark side. WHY LET OBI-WAN TRAIN ANAKIN THEN? Nice one mate. It was your fault all along.
   
   
9. The design. Why does everything in this film look far more advanced than anything that is in the originals? If it wasn’t for R2, C3-PO and the lightsabres you could be easily forgiven for thinking that this is NOT a Star Wars film. Well, its not, as I said earler. The spaceships look shit. Who the fuck designed the Naboo Starfighter? The battle droids look shit. The underwater Gungan city looks like a fucking poorly rendered computer game. Its as if Lucas has to have a new world in every film.
   
   Sand planet. Check
   Snow planet. Check
   Forest Planet. Check
   Underwater planet, city whatever. Check
   PC World. Probably
   
   I hate the look of this film. I hate it sooooo much.
   
   
10. 

I'm glad thats off my chest. Coming soon. My appraisal of Attack of the Clones.