A Sad, Sad, Day Indeed. Well, Not Really. We Really Don't Think Anyone Will Give A Flying Fuck.

Well. it was fun while it lasted. Wasn't it? Yep, that's right. Me and my trusty wingman, Dasgeordie, are fucking this site right off. You may have noticed that we haven't updated the site in fucking ages. This is for several reasons:

a) There is only so many ways we can call Brett Ratner, Orlando Bloom, John Travolta, Len Wiseman, Robin Williams and Owen Wilson massive cunts.

b) I have run out of cocks to Photoshop onto pictures of any of the above.

c) Celebrity Products started to get a bit wank.

d) Most of our posts started to get a bit wank.

e) We were getting far too many hits from France.

f) We're lazy cunts.

So there you have it folks. This site will be deleted within a few short weeks to make way for someone else to spend an unnatural amount of time writing pointless crap and posting it onto the Worldwide Wank. We have decided to do something completely new in the new year. We will no longer be bound by the inherent wankness of Blogger and we will host our own site. Probably called something like........Two Angry Men. Yeah, the new site might even contain, wait for it.........humourous content.

So, all those celebrities that we hate (Rob Zombie) can rest assured that they will not remain safe forever. We'll now hand you over to some of our regular contributors to say goodbye.

"Alright cahnts. This is farkin' chokin'me right up this. Mind you, this sites always been fackin' pony if you ask me. Get facked!"

MYSTIC PIZZA

"Hey friends. Lets say bye why not. Miyagi here. Me fucky sad long time to see two angwy men give up due to lazy time. They suck major cock those boys. Cocksucky fuckheads. Me very pissed at those fly-catching minge trimmers. I say........GO FUCK YOUR MOTHERS. BONSAI!!!!!!

MR MIYAGI

"Let's suck some dick!

KEVIN SPACEY, TOM CRUISE and GEORGE CLOONEY

Ahhhh, that's lovely. Seriously though, thanks to all the regular readers (extra special thanks to Ooshka, Phorenzik, Mariomark and that chap from UK:R) who supported the site over the past 6 months. It's been a good fucking laugh. Sort of. If you like this sort of thing. See you in the new year cheddar-bells.



P.S. Elliot, if you are reading this.........do your fucking homework!

P.P.S Jon Brown, if you are reading this........it was only a joke. No offence. Honestly.

P.P.P.S. John Hannah, if you are reading this..........where's my FUCKING TENNER YOU MASSIVE CUNT?

P.P.P.PS. If anyone from Cinesite is reading this, any chance of a job? We could Photoshop loads of cocks into the next Harry Potter film for ya.

The In-The-Closet-Hobbits: Chapter Two. From Mordor To Sydney

Finally! A Female Celebrity Product.

I've just ordered mine from www.loser.com. Only £584.99. Sweet as.

The Exorcist *hic* 2: Crapman's Re...*hic* view

Awwwww hell no. I saw this shit when I was....*hic*......14. I remember it being total wank. I....*hic*....decided to watch it again tonight because it was on fucking.....*hrffff*....Bravo, and to be....*hic*.......honest, I was right the first fucking....*splurf*........time. What a pile of shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Linda Blair don't even get 'er fucking.....*hnfff*......tit's out. Richard Burtock should be fucking ashamed of himself and I bet....*parp*......William Friedken is spinning in his fucking grave.......did I ever tell you the time I had that dream about going to Blockbusters to rent stuff?......Ahhhhhh.....Arse! Mind you.....I am a bit.......*hic*........pissed.

Saturday night telly is fucking.....*pfpfffff*.....wank!

Saw IV: Crabman's Review

And that's being kind.



EDIT: This is just another confirmation that the fourth film in any franchise is utter wank. Can anyone actually think of a fourth film in any franchise that was any good. And don't say ROCKY IV.

NEW! A Celebrity Theme Park

Mummy, mummy, can we go? Pleeeeeeeease. I want to wave my lightsabre around while we watch camels do what you and daddy do at night. Yaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!

Mark's onto a fucking nice little earner here.

Sneaky Script Excerpt: Meet The Spartans

Occasionally, we here at 2AM Towers (Fuck off, Ooshka!) get a WORLD EXCLUSIVE passed through our sweaty, hairy palms. Something so exciting that it would go RIGHT OVER the heads of the big-wig sites out there. Something so pulse-poundingly riveting that it needs to be sneaked out via the back-door that is our shitty site. Well, today is not one of those days. Today is the exact opposite of that day. In fact, if one of those days was finding Scarlett Johannsen gagged and bound and lubed-up, then today would be like waking up with a hang-over next to Michelle Rodriguez.

Today we got a copy of the MEET THE SPARTANS script pushed through our letter-box. In an envelope that seemed to be smeared in shit. And on fire. If you don't know about MEET THE SPARTANS, you are lucky. Imagine the worst, laziest, oxygen-deficient piece of cinematic "parody" the world has ever seen and then times that by ten. And add a million. After seeing the trailer, my entire family shat egg whites for a week. And the family dog talked hebrew at half twelve every day for two minutes. It's that bad. I don't give a shit if you parody some shitty teen horror movie, but taking the piss out of 300? You might as well run through every charva estate in the UK with an "I FUCKED MADDY" t-shirt and a child's doll strapped to your cock... that's how badly people are going to hurt you.

Anyway, here's a choice excerpt from the script -

EXT. STONE PATH - SOMEWHERE IN GREECE - NIGHT A group of swarthy Spartan warriors gather up the corpses of their fallen victims and pile them in a mound. SPARTAN #1 and SPARTAN #2 banter as they throw the dead higher and higher up the burgeoning wall. SPARTAN #1Ha ha, verily I did school your ass back then during that fine battle. SPARTAN #2Forsooth, varmin, you talk nonsense. And your mater is so fat, she has to wear a "Wide Load" sign. SPARTAN #1Why that is nothing, Spartan warrior man, your motherial unit is so poor, she can't afford to pay attention. Verily. Suddenly, Paris Hilton walks out from behind the pile of corpses carrying a small dog in a handbag. PARISOh my god, this is like soooo whatever. You guys are totally, like, over and that. Paris walks off behind the corpses again. Leonidas approaches. As he walks up to them, he accidentally trips over an errant duck and falls on his face. The two Spartans exchange comical glances and carry on piling corpses.

And another bit from the script as well -

EXT. SMALL VALLEY - SOMEWHERE ELSE IN GREECE - DAY The amassed ranks of the Spartan army gather in tight phalanx formation in between the high narrow walls of the [Could somebody check out, like, which country this thing is set in? AC] Valley. They hold their shields before them and point their spears towards the onrushing hordes of Persian soldiers charging them. It looks like certain defeat, but Leonidas turns to address his troops. LEONIDASI know what you're thinking, men, that this is certain doom. That we will die verily before the might of this giant army... But you're wrong! For tonight, we shall prove our worth and send their souls to Hell. For tonight... We dine... Leonidas spins to camera and produces a Big Mac and Fries. LEONIDAS..In MacDonalds! The entire Spartan army pulls out various meal deals from MacDonalds and tucks in to the tasty treats. From out of a cave in the valley walls, Lindsay Lohan stumbles out, looking confused. LINDSAYOh my god, you guys are so, like, bitches and shit. I totally, like, hate you guys. So, whatever, like, dude... She walks off. Leonidas finishes his burger and strolls back to the front of the army. On the way there, he accidentally trips over a duck and falls flat on his face. A bunch of Spartan soldiers giggle under their breaths.

Oh wait, it gets worse! This is the last excerpt as I don't want to spoil it -

INT. SPARTAN COUNCIL CHAMBERS - SPARTA - NIGHT Queen [Jesus, who thought of doing this as a period piece? I have to do fucking RESEARCH and shit! AC] Somethingorother addresses the amassed Spartan council of old men in togas and stuff. [Watch some I, CLAUDIUS and copy that. AC] Anyway, she steps up. Maybe shows a bit of titty. QUEENI come before you, oh wise nobles of Sparta, to beg to help my husband in his hour of need. In our country's hour of need. It is very important you-- She is cut off by a mobile phone ringing in the counsel. It plays Rihanna's "Umbrella". A fusty old man answers and has an argument with his wife. OLD MANYeah, I told you, it's council day! [beat] I know, we gotta debate and shit. It's awfully dull. [beat] Just put my dinner in the oven and I'll reheat it when I get in. [beat] Oh, and make sure you Tivo HOW IT'S MADE for me. He puts his phone away. The Queen sighs and is about to continue when Leslie Nielsen runs out from the side of the hall, looking confused. LESLIEGoddamnit, they don't pay me enough for this shit! I was in AIRPLANE, for god's sake! He runs off, but trips over a confused duck. The council laughs at him.

There's more comedy gold in them thar comedy hills than you can shake a big shitty, comedy stick at! MEET THE SPARTANS? SHIT THE SPARTANS, more like.

Why We Are Angry: The List (Part Three)

A while back DasGeordie and myself posted a long list of things that for some reason or another made us “angry”. My list was comprehensive but twas just the tip of the iceberg so I have decided to create another list. Viddy well fuckos!

Len Wiseman, Len Wiseman’s severe lack of talent, the fact that Len Wiseman gets Kate Beckinsale’s twat in his face every night, early nights, late nights, early mornings, getting to work late, getting to work early, getting to work to find out you have switched desks and now have to sit next to a girl with a brain the size of a peanut, shit with half eaten peanuts in that rips your ring to shreds the next morning, the recent Nicholas Cage film NEXT, Nicholas Cage’s erratic hairstyles, hairstyles, the fact I have no fucking hair, the fact that I get called Friar Tuck on an embarrassingly regular basis, Chris Moyles, the fact that Chris Moyles considers himself hot shit just because he’s written two shitty fucking books about his fat fucking life, people that read books, people that read at all, people who think it’s fine to sit in a pub with a glass of water ALL FUCKING NIGHT and take up the seats, students obviously, getting pubes stuck in my foreskin, foreskins in general, the price of bread these days, the price of everything these days, children, people who have children then don’t bother bringing the little cunts up properly so they end prowling the streets spitting on disabled people, disabled people, disabled people who milk fuck out of the system, the system, Brett Ratner and anything remotely associated with him, Guy Richie and anything remotely associated with him including his hagged old cunt of a wife, the fact that The Spice Girls are reuniting, the cost of Blu-ray movies, the stupid fucking Blu-ray vs HD DVD war that will go on for fucking ever, migraines, my brain, the fact that I have been too lazy to put up the blinds in the bathroom so if I have a wank in the shower in the morning the entire fucking apartment block would be able to see, the fact that I’m too lazy to go to the gym, gyms, smug cunts who go to the gym and go on and fucking on about how good they feel......FUCK OFF, chest pains, foot pains, back pains, pains in the arse, arseholes, anal sex, Jamie Oliver, the thought of Jamie Oliver having anal sex, having flashbacks from my childhood reminding me what a massive cunt I was, walking down the street and seeing someone you know about 500 meters in front of you who then acknowledges you but then you have a really awkward walk towards them not knowing where to look for some reason, taking a piss just after you’ve had a wank / fuck and it sprays all over the fucking toilet walls, public toilets, walking to work on a Monday morning only to find that several filthy cunts have left a puke minefield for you to navigate, slugs, stepping on slugs, stepping in shit, shit, Harry Knowles, the thought of Harry Knowles taking a shit, the thought of Harry Knowles having anal sex with shitty slugs all over him, Christmas, the fact that adverts for Christmas now appear on TV in fucking June, the thought of fucking June Whitfield, the thought of fucking June Whitfield up the arse whilst Brett Ratner and Harry Knowles watch and smear slug shit all over themselves.

I need help

EDIT: We are available for children's parties by the way.

Worldwide Celebrations Continue At New Posting

As the news of a brand new posting by the legends behind multi-award-winning internet website Two Angry Men finally reaches the last, most obscure tribe in the deep deltas of the Sudan, worldwide celebrations begin. I can now hand you over to our man in Thaiwan, Lo Slung Denim.

Yesh, thank you veh much. We hear news of new posting on interweb site, Two Angry Men and we get fireworks out velly quickly. We host huge display in red light district, which cover forty square miles. We hold parade in street and only let best-rooking rady boy lide on back of float. Our Plime Minister announce that, from now on, this be fluckin' well rown as Two Angly Men day and it become National Day for taking piss out of those less fortunate than ourselfs. And he say racism now OK, we no ronger have to mutter our "Ha ha, you say 'r' instead of 'l'" jokes about stupid white people. You sirry letards!

Ha, thanks for that! We now go live to my close personal friend, Anita Bevir in the capital of the Good Old United Kingdom of States and say, "Howdy pardner! How are you celebrating this momentous day?

Yes, thank you a whole gosh darn much, you rootin' tootin' sack o' man, y'all! We here in the Yew-nited States of Awesom-erica are sure as shootin' gonna outdo the yella menace when it comes to celebrating. Why just this morning, when I found out the news, I sacrificed BOTH my firstborn kids to the Screen Actor's Guild in thanks to those brave soldiers out there, making quality films. If it wasn't for those Freedom Fry-eating motherfuckers at Two Angry United Men, well, darnit, I think my poor Billy and Bobby might have grown-up in a world where marginally poor films were made. And that just ain' American, good gosh y'all!

Thank you for an interesting piece, there, Anita! Now, we cross over to the fair nation that birthed these two mighty internet stallions to see how they celebrated An Actual Post appearing on their website. Charles, how's it going?

Well, bally good to hear from you, old chap! I've just been up the apples and pears to check out the hullabaloo that's goin' on over me noggin', laaaa! It seems we've only gone and blown the whole of bloody Big Ben up to celebrate this spiffingly pip old day! I mean, it's not every day some ol' caaahnt makes a post on the internet! Why, by heavens, it's certainly not every day somebody gets a mite upset about them too. Lords a lawky, but this is a magical day!

And finally, our regional respondent, Ken Bigley, reports in from a beach somewhere in England.

Just a fucking stupid post on the internet, innit. Bag o' shite if you ask me. Dunno what all the fuss is about. Now fuck off, I'm walking me dog.

Thanks for that, Ken! Now, if you know of any celebrations occuring in your area, please be sure to let us know. After all, we wouldn't want this special day to pass us by, now, would we?

Mr Miyagi Like Jon Brown Sans Long Time

Hey now living argue peeps! What’’s with agro long time? Why you silly boy’s not just get along nicely eh? Miyagi been sitting on his cloud trying to catch fly with chopstick, for fucking change, when I read all this stuff about funny white man Jon Brown sans. He nice boy so leave alone or Miyagi get verrrrrrry mad and come down to living world and kick shit out of all involved. Wax on! I read Mr Brown sans site and it make Miyagi laugh hard. I like when he mention how annoying it is to have tall granny. My granny was verrrrrry tall indeed. 4ft 6 inches to be exact, She tower over Miyagi sans and make him do massive doody in pants when I not finish my noodles. She die when I six year old. Ha ha ha ha ha. Stupid wrinkly, tall woman with minge like Babylon garden.

Also, Miyagi nearly shit brick when he read Brown sans post about how laxatives make you do giganto doody in pants if not careful. Maaaany times Miyagi get caught short. I remember when Chris Farley sans and Miyagi take laxative just before going to Oscar ceremony before we die. Not good idea. Farley sans spray rancid water doody all over George Lucas sans just before Billy Crystal come on to tell funny joke. Like Jon Brown sans. Ha ha ha ha ha. Stupid Star Wars, beardy man. He long time covered in Farley shit.

And how can angry peeps like you not find getting an erection on a plane funny eh? Wax off! I used to get stiff doodle all the time long time when in plane. In fact, Miyagi get hard doodle all the time here in spirit world. Also dead person, Anna Nicole Smith, suck Miyagi sans doodle long time just the other day and chug the lot. She rotten though. Miyagi close eye and think of Carrie Fisher instead. Miyagi sans pretty sure God not like sexy time here in spirit world but he never find out. Stupid non-existing beardy cunt. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

But my favourite Brown Jon sans post is when he say he hate people who think Samuel Chocolate L Jackson is cool dude. Miyagi couldn’t agree more. He a fucky twat. He ruin Phantom Menace which Miyagi pull his doodle over. Mintos movie time! Miyagi not wacist you understand, but if I have to hear Sam Caramel Jackson say “Motherfucky snake on Motherfucky plane” one more time, I fucking kick his stupid Kangol hat right off stupid cool head.

So, I like Jon Brown sans. He funny white man. Not like the grumpy, luckless shitheads that run this site. Leave alone dickyheads or I come down and fuck your mothers. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Why Is Jon Brown Such A Massive Cunt?

If you're wondering who this cunt is I wouldn't be at all surprised. Now, this monumental cunt has nothing to do with films. In fact he is a "comedy writer". Or so he says. Let me just put this straight by saying he is nothing of the sort. By their very nature, "comedy writers" have to write funny material. That's the way comedy works you see. You write something funny and hopefully people will laugh at said material. This prick is quite possibly the unfunniest person on the entire interweb. Have a look at his site if you don't believe me. Its wank. Really wank. I know, I know, we sometimes post stuff like 'THE JEAN CLAUDE CANNED HAM' because we may have run out of ideas that particular week but believe me when I say the 'THE JEAN CLAUDE CANNED HAM' is comedy gold akin to Monty Python compared to the shit this cunt puts on his blog. I tried putting a few comments on a post of his that basically came down to "YOU ARE A MASSIVE, MASSIVE CUNT AND ARE ABOUT AS FUNNY AS THE BAD AIDS!" but apparently he disagreed and banned all further comments apart from "team members". His friends basically.

Now, if it's not bad enough that this cunt is a cunt, he likes to brag about how he has written for the BBC. Fine you might say until you find out that he wrote an episode of TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A PACKET OF CRISPS which just happens to be the worst program on TV let alone the worst "comedy" on TV. It's worse than CELEBRITIES DANCING ON ICE AND EATING KANGAROO TESTICLES. Why on Earth he would brag about this is quite beyond me. IT'S FUCKING SHIT, NOT FUNNY AND ANYONE WHO WRITES FOR IT IS A SPECTACULAR CUNT. This is what he says about himself on his pile of shit site:

I'm a young comedy writer from Northampton. Three things you need to know: 1) I was recently nominated as one of Broadcast Magazine's 'Hot-Shots' for 2007. 2) In 2004, I finished runner-up in the BBC's highly prestigious Talent scheme. 3) My credits include After You've Gone, We Are Mongrels, Two Pints, Scallywagga, No Heroics, The Milk Run and My Hero.

HA HA HA HA HA HA. The only funny thing this cunt has written seems to be his profile. Highly prestigious? Don't be such a wanker. Runner up? No shit you fucking bell-end. He fucking loves himself this cunt. He has recently amended his profile as before he mentioned that he wrote something for HEAT magazine. So, he's gay as well then. PRICK. This is him.



He looks like a fucking cunt as well.

Who's Your Farkin' Daddy Now, My Son!

Love a duck an’ all that, you caaaahnts, it’s Mystic Review Pizza giving you the farkin’ update an’ that on this ‘ere interwebsite bollicks. You might be wonderin’ why there ain’ been any totally unfunny posts made in, like, a farkin’ week an’ that. Well, it turns out those two uphill botanists only went an’ pissed orf a load a those filmmaker cahnts for good. Yeah, they pulled their final straw and Brett Ratner, Len Wiseman and farkin’ George “Belly for a chin” Lucas decided to put an end to ‘em. Yer see, they found out where those cahnts lived and paid ‘em a visit. Don’t ask me how they found out, like, I CERTAINLY wouldn’t ‘ave passed on their particulars for a donkey and the Sweeney box-set, you understand.

And now, those two cahnts are on the run, like me best mucka, Dr Bruce Banner. Hang on, Bruce is a bit of an air-hostesses name, innit? Although, I wouldn’t farkin’ say it to ‘im. Last time somebody knocked over his pint in the Wop & Kike down Old Kent Road, he went proper Al Garve on his mush an’ the guy was in Casualty for a farkin’ week. And not the farkin’ popular mum’s-tv drama, if you know wor I mean! So while they’re peggin’ it roun’ these fair isles, hiding from some directors wiv a fucking vengeance, I promised I’d look after this site. Dunno how long they’ll be gone, probably just till I get bored of looking into the future an’ that for you lazy cahnts.

Anyway, I thought I’d start with somefin a bit topical an’ look into the future for spooky films wot ain’ been made yet. It’s farkin’ Halloween soon and if there’s one fing me and the boys from dis site love more than their own farkin’ muvvas, it’s farkin’ Halloween. It’s the only time of the year me and the kids get to walk the streets without ‘avin’ the piss ripped for looking like fucking Italian bread-based food-stuffs. I make the missus stay in wiv a sawn-off in case any of those cahnt kids come round askin’ for sweets an’ that. Get a farkin’ job, you lazy cahnts!

So wiv a new SAW film out at the mo, I thought I’d look waaaaaay into da future and tell you what the crack is wiv some of the sequels. And I looked waaaaay into da farkin’ future, you know? I used up all my farkin’ prophetic skills to see at least THREE WHOLE YEARS into da future. And what’d I see? They’ve only gone and made SAW 24! Yeah, who knew you could make seven SAW films a year, eh? Not farkin’ me, that’s for sure!Anyway, I’ll list some of the excitin’ and cahnterific torture scenes that get used in this film. They ain’t pretty, so if you’re a bit of a farkin’ interior designer and that, you better just look away.

• An old man is forced to watch ARE WE DONE YET 14 on a loop until he saws his own nadgers off with a plastic spoon. He farkin’ does it after 20 minutes.
  
• A young white girl is raped to death by a big black bear. That one doesn’t really seem relevant to the plot…
  
• A chinee fella has cattle prods rammed up his arse and electrocuted until he shits his colon out of his jap’s eye. I proper loved it when he screamed, “Aiiii! My gametes!” and spunked his organs up the wall.
  
• A scrawny looking studenty type has rusty razor blades shoved down his throats and then is forced to go on the waltzers till he coughs up his lungs. Actually, fark, that’s not in the film, that’s what me an’ Davey from the offie did last weekend.
  
• A monkey is force-fed Eastern European-grade cocaine and then a young girl of eight is forced to wank ‘im orf and drink the lot. They did this in SAW 19, but it was so good, they did it again!
  
• A poor, sympathetic young man is forced to write the screenplay for STAR WARS VII, VIII and IX whilst a dozen sociopathic nerds look over his shoulder and make comments. ‘ORRIBLE!
  
• Jade Goody must eat every contestant of BIG BROTHER 20 without any cutlery or stove. She does the farkin’ lot and even finishes off with a Davina sarnie at the end! Filmic gold, that one!
  
• A poor elderly bird is gang-raped by eighteen killer whales whilst singing the entire catalogue of S CLUB 7. TERRIFYIN’!

I could go on, but I don’t want to spoil the fun for you. That DasBrummie cahnt says these films are “exploitational torture-porn garbage with plots so generic even a fucking half-wit could write them” but what the fark does he know? He has a farkin’ emo haircunt, wears a scarf and reads ‘Arold Pinter, the feckless posh twat! I ‘eard he once made a disparaging remark about the farkin’ duke, Danny Dyer! It’s only cos my parole officer made me register wiv these cahnts that I put up with it…

Anyway, I’ll be back a lot more than those lazy cahnts over the next few weeks, so stay tuned for more reviews from the future, cockney-based comedy and a right old cheeky barrel of southern monkey fun. Here’s hoping those two arse-masters get shot into the farkin’ sun by them directors for bein’ such negative bell-ends. I’m farkin’ hopin’, that’s for sure! So, for now, SHAZAM, YOU CAAAAAHNTS!

Yet Another Celebrity Product

Alright, alright. This is shit. Really shit. Why don't you try coming up with this crap every week. It's not fucking easy you know. In fact, why don't you all just go fuck your mothers!

Film Classification Warnings I Would Prefer to See

SEVEN (1995)

Pointwess Fucky Remake: Mr Miyagi Not Happy Long Time

Fucky hell! It’s me again, Mr Miyagi speaking from spirit world to tell you something I not believe in maaaaaany year. I sit on my cloud the other day trying to catch fly with chopstick for fucking change when my other also dead friend, River Phoenix, come up to me, out of his fucking tree, ranting about scaaaaary tale from the world of living peeps. Apparently, some chocolate coloured man called Will Smith is to produce remake of my film, THE KARATE KID. I say to River “Get fuck out of town! You shit me why not!” River say this true and I ponder for maaaaany hours.

After five seconds of pondering, Miyagi think to himself.

“WHAT SAY FUCK CHOCOLATE MAN MAKE FILM ABOUT MIGHTY MIYAGI AND STUPID LITTLE WHITE BOY THAT I TRAIN FOR FUCKING AGE TO BECOME STRONG LIKE OX ONLY TO BECOME TOTAL WHINY CUNT”

Miyagi react quite badly to this but River sans explain to me who Will Smith is. This not help. Especially when I find out Will sans be putting his mini chocolate son sans in film.

“SAY WHAT FUCK WHY NOT! KARATE KID NOT BROWN. HE FUCKY SHOULD BE YELLOW BUT RALPH MACCHIO NOT HAVE LIVER DISEASE FROM BOOZY LOVE WHEN MAKE FILM. THAT LATER WHEN HE WASH UP MOTHERFUCK”

Miyagi not racist you understand. Miyagi just not understand why remake film that veeeeeerrry perfect in first place. Miyagi calm down until River sans go on to explain who will play your yellow pal from beyond grave, Mr Miyagi.

“BONSAI FUCKY CHOPSTICK MOTHERFUCKING CHRIS TUCKER RUVVER! HOW FUCKY DARE WILL CHOCOLATE MARMITE MAN SANS GET STUPID PWICK JACKIE CHAN SANS TO PLAY MIYAGI. I FUCKING KILL ALL INVOLVED WITH REMAKE BY DEPLOYING PRAYING MANTIS FUCK OVER MOVE.”

Miyagi steamy hot mad after all this news. I’m thinkng I visit living world and have word with Will Smith and tell him to get fucking gwip and make original film. And I don’t mean THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS 2: MILK TRAY. What fuck with all remake in Hollywoodland? Stupid pwicks.

Anyway, When KARATE KID remake come out, I shall visit you again to review it for two childish pwicks that make this intersite but until then I stay on my fucking cloud trying to calm down while trying to catch fucking fly with chopstick. For fucking change.

Topical Celebrity Movie Poster!

From the creators of ALIEN VS PREDATOR, FREDDY VS JASON and KRAMER VS KRAMER, comes a filmic event to rival any you have ever seen before!

They fight! They cook! They fight! They cook! They enigmatically pose on battle-scarred cliff-tops with large penis-replacement firearms! They cook! They fight! They speak in the worst made-up accent ever recorded! They fight! They cook!

All this and more coming to a cinema near you Summer of 2009! Directed by Uwe Boll! Starring Gerard Depardieu as Lloyd Grossman! And Jessica Alba as Master Chief! And Jack Black as Talky-Talky Funnyman!

The In-The-Closet-Hobbits: Chapter One

Two Angry Men Fucking Horses

I would just like to say, YOU ARE ALL DEVIANTS. Seriously, every single one of you out there in Interwebland is a fucking wrong un and no mistake. You're sick in the head and need to be put down. I bet you are all reading this while being sucked off by a quadriplegic AIDS-ridden fourteen-year-old African boy, aren't you? Whilst raping a cat with a tazer. The only person in the entire history of interweb usage who has never ever looked at porn is my mum. I now know this for a fact.

To demonstrate my point, here is a list of EVERY search engine referral we have registered in the last 100 posts alone. If we weren't so tight as to pay for Sitemeter, I could show you DIRTY SEX PEOPLE the kind of filth we get on a daily basis.

• watch big cocks fuck the shit out of women rough
  
• two men fucking a women at the same time
  
• pic of big bellied men
  
• a women and two men fucking
  
• two men force girl to fuck
  
• two men fucking so young girl

I realise now that having the word "Two men" in our title was a mistake. It could only have been worse if we'd called ourselves "Two Angry Cunts" (And on a side-note, I've seen FAR more than two angry cunts in my time). I realise that all the swearing is possibly just encouraging you sick perverted weirdos. What I didn't realise was the sheer volume of people looking for cockney porn - "Two men farking each other" - or that we would be so popular in this scene. In fact, for all of those searches above, we're at least on the first page.



And so I am resigned to my fate. We are going to be read only be fucking interspazz wank jockeys who need a quick five minute relief over a picture of Owen Wilson with a cock nose. So, I reckon, why not capitalise on this market? Everybody knows porn runs the world. Why not get a bit of the tall porn dollar? And in order to boost our hits on as many search engines as possible, I will now make a list of key-words I think you ONE-HANDED MAN-MAYONNAISE MONKEYS will be looking for.

• two men fucking a horse
  
• a horse fucking two men whilst being sucked off by a cockney
  
• a cockney sucking off two horses while two men watch
  
• Owen Wilson sucking off a cockney horse
  
• Ski Sunday
  
• young cockney girls petting otters
  
• cockney otters rucking two young girls
  
• men riding horses with otters
  
• horses riding men
  
• two women munching horse jizz
  
• two otters sucking off cockneys
  
• scousers touching otters without consent
  
• a horse being rode by Owen Wilson
  
• John Hannah sucking off Owen Wilson for a tenner
  
• Owen Wilson forcing two scousers to suck off a cockney
  
• Owen Wilson forcing me to watch Wedding Crashers
  
• John Cleese choking on otter cum
  
• two men riding John Cleese into battle like that white horse out of lord of the rings
  
• two otters riding another otter, but in a dirty way, like
  
• two young girls taking it up the gary
  
• two young girls being done for fun up the bum
  
• two young girls doing normal things like playing with their hair and dress-up and that and not doing anything dirty
  
• a man just fucking a woman
  
• two men farkin a pony
  
• a pony farkin two men whilst John Cleese watches
  
• a fat man farkin another fat man
  
• a reeeeeally fat man sucking off Owen Wilson on the set of Wedding Crashers 2
  
• Wedding Crashers 2

And finally...

• sex fuck arse tits cum jizz spunk fanny clunge dick cock minge shag pussy labia.

Right, that should about cover it. We'll be on 20,000 hits this time tomorrow, I'm CERTAIN of it.

Two Angry Men Casting Couch: Justice League #2

Green Lantern - like a jedi, but with a gay-ass ring on and an even more camp lime green body-costume. There have been many Green Lanterns - Alan Scott, Hal Jordan, Jon Stewart, Guy Gardner, Simon, Garfunkel, Hall, Oates and Kyle Raynor. The most popular being the UTTERLY shit-house Hal Jordan, a pilot who flies planes and killed a lot of people one time by accident. They fly around the galaxy sorting out problems and answering to funny little blue men in dresses. SHIIIIIT-house. He only justifies his place in the Justice League a little more than Aquaman because he is armed with the most powerful weapon in the universe. And they made it into a ring? Couldn't they make it into a manly-looking belt or even a lovely man-bag? A RING, THOUGH?

Anyway, who better to play Green Lantern than Ralf Little, star of THE ROYLE FAMILY and TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A PACKET OF CRISPS, PLEASE? For those of you reading in America, just imagine I (very poorly) photoshopped a picture of that cunt Topher Grace instead. Ralf Little has all the gravitas that you would need to bring to the role of a intergalactic police-officer with amazing powers. I mean, if they'd let that cunt Hayden Christensen play one, they'll let any fucker play one!

Anyway, Green Lantern's role in any Justice League film will be largely to stand in the background and find a personality. He will never find this personality as his personality solely consists of being an intergalactic policeman with a power ring... Shit, sorry, that's his origin, not his personality. BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE. In fact, I'd be shocked if they even included him, so shit is the character. Did you know they wanted to make a movie based on him and they only way they could do that was to play it as a comedy and get Jack Black in. So what better way to do Jack Black on the cheap than get some crap "comedy" actor from some UTTERLY TERRIBLE UK comedy show. He can take the piss out of everybody - and when your team consists of people like Aquaman and >snigger< Martian Manhunter, you've got plenty of opportunity.

Mr Miyagi Tell Tale Of Spirit World Movie Party

Bonsai! Hey friend, it’s me Mr Miyagi again. The two ninja sans that run Two Angwy Men asked me to tell more tale from beyond grave. Mr Miyagi very proud to be able to tell you many fan what it like to be dead. After telling very looooong tale about Karate Kid, I wonder what things to enlighten fans with. I come up with a verrrrrrry funny story about dinner party I had just other week with maaaaaany dead famous people here in spirit world. Prepare many fans for tale of wonder.

Miyagi turn up at also dead man River Pheonix house at awound 8pm. River sans open heavenly door and look like he try catch wwwwwwway too many flie with chopstick. He arseholed. Goofballs Miyagi thinks. I enter to find other dead actor John Candy eating many a large hamburger in a puddle of own shit. At this point, Miyagi find spirit world celebrity house party many levels of wank until knock at door. In come Freddy Mercury. Miyagi wonder what massive crunchie muncher do at movie party but River Pheonix tell me he do soundtrack to gay 80’s Flash Gordon. Wax on! Next, Miyagi sitting down drinking his tea when Christopher Reeve turn up. Miyagi verrrrrrrry excited about this until Reeve sans turn up in fucking wheelchair.

“Reeve san! Where fucking cape and shorts? You fly why not? I enjoy Supersan 4 verrrrry much. You not make happy Mr Miyagi with cripple stuff. WAX OFF!”

After Miyagi say this Reeve san cry like little bitch and say he wish Margot Kidder was here in spirit world to cry on little mad womans shoulder.

“No worry Supersan! Margot be here in short time. She fucking suicidal cwazy bitch long time!”

I think that finish Supersan off. He spit out straw from mouth and wheelchair stop. Miyagi laugh. Ha ha ha! Silly white man thinking he could ride horse let alone fly. Miyagi burn Supersan boxset after.

Later, River sans ply Miyagi with maaaaaany goofballs and Um-Bongo and before I know it, I am in brothel with Chris Farley san, Don Simpson san, Fatty Padeophile Arbuckle san, Charlie Paedophile Chaplin san, Steve McQueen san, John Belushi san, Ted Bundy san, Jeffrey Dahmer san, John Gay Wayne san, Bruce Lee and Bruce Lee's son san, Brandon. Brandon verrrrrrry stupid man and get killed acting in Alex Proyas film. What fuck????????

Needless to say, 14 hours later, Miyagi wish he were in hell let alone spirit world. All movie man up here total shithead. Miyagi have head like storm and arsehole like Courtney Love. Me not sure when I can report back from spirit world again. Not long time me hope.

BONSAI!

Two Angry Men Casting Couch: Justice League

AQUAMAN
Arthur Curry, half human, half fishman, all shit. His amazing abilities include being able to swim, but reeeeeelly fast. He can also talk to fish. "Hello my fishy brethren, I am seeking the hidden lair of Black Manta. Can you help me?" "Swim, shit, swim, shit, eeek! Human! Human! Swim away! (Shit!) Swim away!" "Come back! Come back, you fucking useless animal!" He is also King of the underwater city of Atlantis - a city so shit we let it sink into the ocean. And who else could play such a legendary character than...

Yes, Ross Kemp! Star of EASTENDERS, EXTRAS and the televisual epic that is ULTIMATE FORCE. I have the box-set. Every series. Seriously. If you're American and don't know who Ross Kemp is, he's the alleged hardman that is scared shitless of Vinnie Jones in the first series of EXTRAS. Also better known for being faux hardman PhilGrant Mitchell in long-running depress-a-thon soap-suicide-pra EASTENDERS. As one of UK TV's most well-known crap scary thugs, he obviously would be excellent to play little-known crap scary superhero Aquaman.

As well as carrying on the tradition that Jason LEGEND Statham and Vinnie CUNT Jones started off of English faux-gangsters playing shitty second-rate roles to crap American actors, Ross could also bring a certain amount of gravitas to the role of a king. As The Guv'nor of The Queen Vic pub, he has experience of keeping a rowdy bunch of perma-drinkers. Plus, if anyone could stand up to Batman, it's faaarkin' Ross Kemp! "Oi, Batman! NOOOO! You might think you're the fucking daddy of loomin' on gargoyles and talking like farkin' Pat Butcher, but the farkin' seven seas are my manor, mush!" And if Jessica Biel turns down the Wonder Woman role, then they could always ask Barbara Windsor.

TOMORROW - GREEN LANTERN!

BREAKING NEWS! Mystic Pizza Arrested

Farrrrrrrrrrkin 'ell mush. That's me, your old mucker Mystic in that mugshot. Banged up like some fackin' criminal or sumfin'. Wot for? Well, I had just spent the afternoon lookin' waaaaaaaay in to the farkin' future to review SPIDER-MAN 4 and it made me so fackin' agro that I went dahnstairs and gave the missus a good fackin' slap abaht. Nuffin' unusual there you might say. Anyway, I goes dahn me local after to get fackin' shit faced with me pals like and the fackin' fuzz turn up arahnd closin' time and put me in farrrrrkin' 'andcuffs. Apparently, my beloved grassed me right up. Domestic fackin' abuse she calls it. FARRRRRRK ORF! I get shoved in the old meat wagon and formally charged. Fack me mush. Wot's the big farkin' deal? I give Barbara a pasting every fackin' night and she's never pissed and moaned before. Fackin' women eh. Can't live wiv 'em, can't kick the shit aht of 'em. I tried to explain to the rozzers that I'm a highly respected reviewer of films on this site so they logged on to check me story and guess wot? The cahnts charge me wiv breachin' the obscene publications act an' 'all. I'm fackin' fuming mush I tells ya. I'm gonna be put in front of some paedo judge in the mornin' and I tell you anover thing, when I get 'aht, Barbara is gonna get the kicking of a fackin' lifetime. GRASS CAHNT!

Kazzam!

AIN'T IT PATRICIA NEWS!!!!

OMGZZZZOOOOOR! It's me, Patricia Jones, muchly wife of Harry Knowles! Yes, Harry Knowles who run heap-um big website, Ain't It Sweet News!!! Can you BELIEVES IT? I "knowles" I can't!!!!11 Well, after we marry long time, I tell my concubine, Harry Bear, that I want more input in suuuuuper-big website. He tell me woman's place in kitchen or bedroom. I not understand why I need be in bedroom as Harry's cock was eated by belly like Sarlacc pit-monster many moons ago. He make me look for his diddly-widdly once and I lose my grandfather's watch in the folds. It never appear again.

So I go to second best option - Two Bitter Old Men!!!! My girlfriends tell me this much big website and I love it long time! I read it and not entirely sure what it all means. What is "cunt"????? I ask Harry friends and they snicker. They smell like BO and TV dinners and sweat meat paste from their five-heads. They never know sweet 10 dollah love that me and Harry Bushka know. They never know TRUE LOVE like ours... Unless they can raise USD$10,000 and provide air-fare from Taiwan.

And now, whenever I have newz of film or something which I love you long time to see, I will be posting here on Two Depressed Men!!!!1111 They promised not to make fun of my poor Engrish skills and me very sure as I have read their posts. Everyone know "fucking" not spelt with an "a", you crazy lady men! I shoot you with ping-pong balls from my noo-noo if you do make fun of me! I am lethal. Men of Ho-Sing-Po-Na-Na-Fu-Wang-Chan Social Workers Club in Thai province of SuSuSuddio say I most lethal at art of ping-pong-fanny-gone. Ancient artform, like topiary or beat-boxing.

Anywayz, I bring you exciting news of SEX AND A CITY film!!!!11 Me and my girlfriends from the All Over Tanning And Massage Parlour love this film MUCH LONG TIME! We see every episode twice and memorise all best lines for use on clients. One time, one of the clients tried to show me his doodle and I screamed like girly-boy! He explained it fine to show doodle in this country, it is welcoming. He says instead of shaking hands, you shake doodle. I shook his doodle for ten minutes, so I must be very welcome! Back to point, silly lady-man! Anyway, SEX OF CITY film look very good! I cannot wait for it to come out and we can go watch it and sit in fancy bar and sip cocktails. Here in America, they even have bars where lady not shoot ping-pong ball from noo-noo!!! Can you believe it??? It's so true, I get thrown out of bar last weekend for trying to insert Bombay Mix into my lady tunnel!

Harry, he no likey SEX IN THE CITY film and think it poor poor custard. He not know anything, too busy rubbing his big belly and thinking bout touching Michael Bay on his doodle. He cry out his name in sleep. "Michael Bay, you make me feel like a natural woman!" he say. I know not what he talk about. I go see film with girlyfriends and report back here on Angry To Be Men website. I hope you come back for more reports!

Love you long time!!!!!

xxxx

Film Classification Warnings I Would Prefer To See

SUPERMAN RETURNS (2006)

DEATHPROOF Review: Ten Things I Hate About Quentin

So, I saw a completely legitimate and not even slightly illegal copy of DEATHPROOF last night. Crabman has already briefly mentioned how shit GRINDHOUSE was and wanted a second opinion on the theatrical release of Tarantino's half. Sometimes I disagree with him just because I'm a mardy cunt so he was a little concerned I'd like it. However, he couldn't be more wrong. If anything, I actually hate it MORE than he does.

1. Feet fetishes are weird - Look, Quentin, I can get behind people like Russ Meyer. Any man who doesn't like massive tits appearing in his films is a fucking weirdo. But obsessing over women's feet is just FUCKING WEIRD. They are ugly as sin. They look like mong hands. Even painted, they're ugly. And I bet they smell too. So, STOP FUCKING MAKING US LOOK AT FEET!
   
   
2. It's way too long - Most people thought it was too long and dull when it was only half a film, so now it's nearly half an hour longer and on it's own... Well, it's WWWWWWWWay too fucking long. And the amazing part about it all is that there is literally no plot here. A canny editor - either at the pre or post production stage - could cut this film down to 20 minutes long. There is literally that much actual material. So you're wondering what the remaining run-time is filled with. Well...
   
   
   
3. Fucking cameo-tastic cunt - Not only does Tarantino insist on appearing in this film as a cool barman in the coolest bar in the whole world... but he gives fucking Eli Roth a cameo too. WHAT A CUNT. In fact, Roth's role could be summed up as "cunt". He probably thought it was really funny that he was playing a cunt, which is some kind of double-double-double-irony squared. Because he really is a cunt. And can't act at all. I have no problem with Hitchcock-esque brief glimpses. Peter Jackson has got it down to a fine art. But when you start getting to M Night Shyamalan levels of self-insertion, well, just FUCK OFF.
   
   
4. The scratched film - Now, I wouldn't really have a problem with this normally. I don't mind creators filming in black and white nowadays. I loved THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE and GOOD NIGHT & GOOD LUCK. They looked good. So I have no problem with deliberately evoking a style from the past. And it looks very convincing during the first half. Admittedly, it's a bit disconcerting from time to time, but it works to make the film look old. Then, randomly, he just stops doing it halfway through. Did he get bored? Too lazy? Run out of money? I can't think of any stylistic reason why he would do it. Likewise, there's a pointless ten minute scene in the middle of the film that's black and white for no reason. Seriously, what the fuck?
   
   
5. Girl talk - Oh my god, I could write 10,000 words on this very easily. I could write an entire blog just based on some of the conversation pieces Tarantino wrote into this film. What's more likely is I will scrawl it in the blood of dead prostitutes across my bedroom wall shortly before I'm thrown into Arkham Asylum. Because, OH MY GOD, is it pointless. I'm not the kind of person who just wants to cut to the killing and car chases - I've loved some of Tarantino's dialogue in the past. But this is so masturbatory, it's not even funny. Not only that, 90% of it has ABSOLUTELY NO RELEVANCE to the plot whatsoever. It's not even giving you an insight into the characters, it's just Tarantino showing how cool and clever he is. There is a full 45 cunting minutes of girl talk before Kurt Russell even turns up. It's a fucking exploitation slasher film, you UTTER utter cunt!
   
   
6. Zoe Bell is totally out of place - Aside from the fact it's so fucking - and oh god, I'm going to say the word again - masturbatory to include his stuntwoman as... a stuntwoman in his film, she is VERY wrong here. I'm sure her understated, naturalistic style of acting would work with a more documentarian style, but in this world of ultra-stylised acting and dialogue, she feels wrong. She feels like she's walked into the wrong film. Actually, I'm being nice to her, her acting is a bit shit. All this talk of, "Ooh, she's a potential action movie star of the future" is utter wank. She is a stuntwoman and a very good one. That is all. Cunts.
   
   
7. Women are best, men suck balls - The only guys who appear in this film are either (a) Tarantino himself (b) Utter misogynist cunts or (c) A fucking weird shop clerk sequence. I mean, seriously, why doesn't Tarantino follow "Lana" Wachowski into ladyboy's-ville? It was fun and quirky when he played on women protagonists in JACKIE BROWN, was a little obvious in KILL BILL and now it's just fucking tedious. I'm going to spoil the second half of the film now - IT WAS SHIT. OK, that's not a spoiler. What actually happens halfway through is the hunter becomes the hunted. And it is the least convincing plot twist I have ever seen. The hard-as-nails, psychopathic serial killing stuntman gets a minor flesh wound and becomes a whining, sissy who runs away and is scared shitless of a bunch of whiny bitches. Likewise, the bunch of fashion model-looking bitches suddenly turn into death-hungry killers who don't mind beating a man to death in the street. If somebody had actually read this script before shooting, they might have been able to point out how FUCKING STUPID it was.
   
   
   
   
8. Totally pointless scenes - Seriously, there are literally a dozen scenes in this film which I retrospectively realised served NO purpose at all. When you're watching them, you think, "Right, there must be some reason why we get these loving close-ups of a girl sending a text message." But OH NO, they have literally no point at all. You never even meet the cunt who she's texting. And that's not even the worst offender. Pretty much any scene with girls chatting is pointless. UTTERLY pointless. But the entire film is RIDDLED with scenes that go nowhere and prove only to pad out the running time. The worst offender is the scene in the middle where the Sheriff turns up, explains he knows what Stuntman Mike is up to and then says he's going to do fuck-all about it. WHAT? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? Are we going to have the cleaner wander on and tell us he's not interested in catching him either? I know it's just so Tarantino can do That Cameo again, but it's still pointless. And then the stuff that really should get followed-up never even see a mention.
   
   
9. The ending - The only reason I don't hate the ending of this film is because it meant the film was FINALLY FUCKING OVER. But seriously, when "The End" comes up on-screen, if you aren't utterly fucking surprised I will eat my fucking hat. In fact, I'm tempted to ask my mate who works at a cinema to take a picture of the audience's faces at the exact second "The End" appears on screen. I imagine it will be very similar to that website featuring photos of people the first time they see Goatse...
   
   
10. The car bits aren't even that good - Seriously. There's not really any car bits until the very end. And they basically entail two cars driving down a road nudging each other. And then nudging a bit more. And also, all the characters in these films drive stupidly fashionable cars. Nobody has a Vauxhall Nova. But the most exciting part of the whole thing is Zoe Bell hanging onto a car bonnet whilst being attacked by Stuntman Mike. And after ten minutes of her swinging around and shrieking, you kinda get bored. And whilst I kinda agree with the character's (And obviously Tarantino's) views that practical stuntwork will always be better than CG, there is a middle-ground. The big rig chase along a bridge in BAD BOYS II is a perfect example of merging CG and practical. So fuck off, you outmoded cunt.

That is only the first ten things that came to my mind when typing. I could probably write you another ten quite easily. You might notice I don't mention Kurt Russell that much, because he's the only thing of worth in the first half of the film. Kurt Russell is a legend. That goes to shit in the second half however. You might also notice that there's not actually that much humour in this post. That's because I was SO fucking furious about how shit this film was that I can't even laugh about it. Do not, on pain of death, pay good money to go see this bag of shit. And if you have seen it and enjoyed it, I would really like to hear from you. After you convince your warden to give you some paper and crayons and loosen your straps.